The Fortune of Mrs Sakura
by KalliopeStarmist
Summary: Sakura goes to a fortuneteller, who offers to let her spend one day married to each of her potential matches. Of course, she doesn't realize that Lee and Sasuke are just the tip of the iceburg. .:Every Sakura Pairing:.
1. Miss Yukari's Hut of Fortune

The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura

Chapter One: Miss Yukari's Hut of Fortune

A/N: There are so many weird Sakura pairings out there with fanbases, I wanted to try my hand at all of them. So, yes, this is a weird story, but it might have a tendency to get serious here and there. Just a warning.

EDIT: Please go to my profile for a complete list of pairings to be included in this story. Thank you!

* * *

"Ooh, look, girls! A fortune teller!" Ino exclaimed, grabbing Sakura's hand and pointing to a large, brightly-colored tent with the other. "Let's check it out!"

Tenten and Hinata looked over at each other and shrugged. "Yeah, sounds like fun," Tenten spoke for both of them, not that it mattered, because Ino was already halfway to the tent.

"Hello, and welcome to Miss Yukari's Hut of Fortune, what can we foresee for you today?" asked the attendant sitting on a cushion in the middle of the incense-and-tapestry-filled tent. She was wearing the Miss Yukari's Hut of Fortune uniform, a pink and maroon sari a la Miss Cleo, which looked ok with her long, light-brown hair, but clashed oddly with her glasses. In one hand she held a half-eaten snack cake.

"Well," Ino explained as Sakura, Tenten, and Hinata filed in behind her, "We're having sort of a girls' day out, and,"

"Say no more!" a teenage girl yelled merrily, bursting from behind one of the side curtains. "The Magical and Psychic Tomo-chan knows all! You all are having a Girls' Day Out, and you want your fortunes told! Right? Am I right?"

"Duh, baka, she just said that," the attendant muttered.

"Oh, hush, Yomi. All right, let's go! You!" the brunette ball of hyper pointed at Ino. "You look like you've got an interesting future! Fame, money, dead sexy men swarming around you-,"

"All right!" Ino punched the air. "Sounds like my kind of fortune telling! Let's go!"

Yomi rolled her eyes as Ino and Tomo disappeared behind a curtain. "Birds of a feather... Ok, who else wants a fortune?"

Someone tugged at Tenten's shirt. "'Ello, there. Wanna have your fortune told?" another teen asked her in a spacey voice with a thick accent. "I'm gettin' real good at dealing them parrot cards."

Yomi sighed. "_Tarot_ cards, Osaka."

"Right. Like the bird."

Tenten laughed. "Sure. It's as good a waste of my money as any."

"Tha's the spirit," Osaka said as she led Tenten through Curtain Two.

Hinata stepped forward, pulling out a wallet with a cute little cat on the front. "I- I want my fortune told... how much?"

Yomi pointed to the rate sign as a tall, formidable girl with long, black hair stepped into view. She saw the wallet and blushed.

Yomi took Hinata's money and turned around. "Hey, Sakaki, you don't mind taking her, do you?"

Sakaki couldn't take her eyes off Hinata's kitten wallet. "No, I- I'd be glad to."

Sakura stared as Sakaki and Hinata left. How could such a scary looking girl be as shy as Hinata?

"All right, I guess that leaves you with Miss Yukari," Yomi said, pointing to the final curtain. "Lucky you."

* * *

The curtain led to a smaller tent cluttered with various occult knick-knacks. A woman older than the other fortunetellers, maybe in her twenties, with wavy brown hair, sat on one of the piles of books, reading a travel brochure.

Sakura cleared her throat and knelt on a cushion.

Miss Yukari looked up. "Oh, hey, a customer. Hello!"

"Hello. I'm here to—,"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Yukari said, folding up her brochure and sitting down on the floor. "You want your fortune told. Love life, right? Of course. Nobody shells out ten bucks just to find out if they're going to make Chunin next year. All right, let's see your palm." Sakura held her hand out, and Yukari examined it for a moment, then released it. "Well, aren't you a lucky one, Miss Sakura."

"How did you know-?"

"I know all. It's my job. Anyway, looks like you're quite popular. You've got your pick of men, don't you?"

"I do? Really?" Sakura asked, her eyes lighting up. "Tell me about them. All the details."

"I can't... Palms only give very vague readings... Tell you what. I don't usually do this, but your palm's intrigued me, and, what the heck. I've got a little potion here," Yukari stood and began rummaging through the junk in the room. "It allows you to spend a day married to each of your little Romeos."

"Sweet," Sakura said. "How much?"

"Eh, I'll do it for free. Not much going on today... Here it is!" she held up a little baggy. "How about we visit... eh, a year into each marriage. Before the first illusions of romance and bliss have faded into dull, monotonous reality."

Sakura blinked, and Yukari flashed her a bright grin. "I mean, um, let's go!" And she dumped the contents of the bag (it looked to Sakura like glitter) over Sakura's head.

* * *

A/N: Azumanga Daioh Crossover, if you didn't know. Don't worry, this is the last mention of them (with the exception of Miss Yukari, a recurring character in this story. But don't worry, you don't need to know anything about her to follow it.)


	2. Sabaku no Sakura

The Fortune of Mrs Sakura

Chapter Two: Sabaku no Sakura

A/N: I never considered myself a SakuGaar shipper, just an author who happened to be working on a SakuGaar... but apparently it's gotten to my brain, because I LOVED writing this chapter. Oh well, I'm resigned to my fate. After all, isn't the first step admitting that you have a problem? So, let's get this chapter over with, and we won't mention Suna or its Siblings for the rest of the fic, deal?

Also, warning: There will be mild time-jump spoilers throughout. Nothing too horrible, but you know how information leaks.

* * *

Soft.

Sakura was lying on something soft. It was nice. She was drowsy. In fact, she felt like she had been asleep.

_Wakey, wakey, Sakura._ Sakura received a telepathic message from Yukari. _It's the first day of the rest of one of your possible lives!_

_Who's the first guy?_ Sakura thought back excitedly. _Naruto? Lee? ... or...even... Sasuke?!_

_I dunno. I have no clue who any of those people are._

Curiosity got the best of her, and Sakura opened her eyes to see what her future held for her today. She found herself on a very comfy bed, lots of pillows and red satin comforter included.

_Well, who ever he is, he knows how I like to sleep,_ Sakura thought.

_Yeah, pretty classy,_ agreed Yukari. _Bet he's rich, too._

Sakura ignored her to take stock of her own body. _Hey, I'm all grown up!... and still flat chested..._

_Oh, it's not so bad. SOMEONE married you, right?_

_Ha. Ha. How old am I?_

_Um... I dunno... about twenty-five, twenty-six, I'd say._

_All right_. Sakura sat up, surveying the room around her. Not shabby at all, but very sparse. The walls were plain white, made of some substance she couldn't quite name, and very thick, judging by the windows. An ajar door led to a closet that seemed to be filled with ceremonial robes and such. She turned to the corner near the bed, to find a desk...

...With someone sitting at it, writing intently. Sakura squinted. Maroon outfit, red hair, a little on the pale and thin side, eerie blue eyes, yup, definitely...

_Yukari, why is Gaara in my bedroom?_

_Who?_

_The guy in the corner._

_That's your husband. Duh, why else would he be sitting in the corner of your bedroom?_

Sakura thought about this. _...Can I have my money back?_

_No. Now go talk to the boy._

Sakura snapped back to the moment. Gaara looked up from the desk and noticed her. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't wake me," she assured him. "But, what are you doing?" It seemed a little early to be up; she could see stars outside the window.

"Just working. I couldn't sleep... you know how I get."

"Workaholic," Sakura suggested along with Miss Yukari.

Gaara grinned, and Sakura made a note to avoid seeing him make this facial expression ever again.

_Kinda creepy,_ Yukari noted. Her words were accompanied by a sort of mental sweatdrop.

_You should have seen him when he was young._

_...so, why are you married to him, again?_

_You tell me! I've only spoken to him about once in my entire life!_

_Hmm... strange. I'm going to go get my guidebook; it'll tell us what's going down. Be right back!_

This left Sakura alone. Well, not really, just abandoned. She decided to wander... away from Gaara, if at all possible. She stood, walked to some likely-looking french doors and threw them open.

"Wow. Nice view," she whispered, finding herself on a balcony several stories higher than the city below. "But not much of an exit... oh well, I can wait out here until Yukari gets back. Oh, the things I do to be married to Sasuke for a day." So, she leaned over the railing and watched the sunrise over the desert... kind of pretty, that.

Something draped over her shoulder: a bathrobe, courtesy of Gaara. "You looked cold."

Sakura pulled the thin garment over her shoulders, grateful to have something to cover her arms. "Thank you." _What is taking Yukari so frickin' long? This is SO awkward!_ "Did you finish your work?"

"It can wait. The sun only rises once a day."

"It _is_ beautiful," Sakura agreed, happy her old Awkward Conversation Starter, the weather, had not failed her. "And everything is so peaceful this time of day." She glanced out the corner of her eye at Gaara. He wasn't grinning, but his lips were twitching a little. Sakura much preferred this display of happiness; it looked sweet rather than bloodthirsty.

"**Hey! Wake up, you lazy dogs!**" a woman yelled from inside. "**I didn't walk all night to have my own family not greet me!"**

Gaara sighed. "Well, it _was_ peaceful," he muttered to himself, exiting the balcony, and the bedroom through another pair of doors. Sakura followed, feeling lost.

Roughly a million hallways and flights of stairs later, they walked into a group of cheerful, excited kids clustering around a woman in a dusty traveler's cloak and a Suna headband.

"Did you bring us anything back?"

"Did I bring you anything back?" she laughed, "I've been on an important, difficult mission! I've been so busy infiltrating the enemy camp, stealing secret documents, and assassinating enemy agents that I've barely had time to eat! Of course I stopped to shop! Would I come back empty-handed?"

"What'd you get me, Aunt Temari?"

"You? Sweetie, I didn't get you anything. I knew that seeing your aunt after all this time would be gift enough for you."

"Aunt Mari!"

A young woman with wide brown eyes, slightly older than Sakura, in a blue silk robe similar to her own (Sakura's was pale pink), tapped her on the shoulder.

"Sakura-san, I'm going to make some coffee, would you like some?" she asked with a yawn.

"Oh... um, no thank you," Sakura stuttered. The woman nodded and walked off.

_What'd I miss?_ Yukari ES'PMed her.

_I don't know, I have NO IDEA what's going on. What took you so long?_

_Oh, sorry. Couldn't find it. My room is a mess._

_Understood. Hey, these kids, they aren't mine, are they?_

There was a long pause. Sakura could hear pages turning in the back of her head. _Uh, Yukari? They aren't..._

_What?_ Yukari cleared her throat. _Oh, of course not! You've only been married a year! Dirty-minded child... No, they belong to your sister-in-law Nat, the woman who just talked to you. Not to be confused with your sister-in-law Temari, who isn't married. Man, this guidebook is a lifesaver! There's so much in here, I can't believe I didn't bring it with me in the first place._

_How many of these kids are there?_

_Six. A lot, I know, but she and Kankuro have been married for ten years, right when they turned 18, so..._

_That's awfully young, _Sakura noted.

_Says here they've been dating since they were twelve._

_No kidding? ... so he really does have a girlfriend... I always assumed he was making her up._

_Nope, she's real. Hey, there's a lot of stuff in here, I'm going to take a break and read it, call me if you run into trouble, k?_

_Uh, wait—_

"Temari-san," Gaara spoke up coldly, making his nieces and nephews fall silent. Beside him, Sakura shuddered a little and stood up straighter, trying to look more the part. What part, she wasn't sure, but there certainly seemed to be a part that she was supposed to look somewhere in this mess.

Temari placed her right hand on her heart and bowed without taking her eyes off his. "Yes, Brother?"

"Did you recover the documents?"

"Yes." She reached into her cloak and pulled out some scrolls, which she handed to Gaara with a slight bow.

"Excellent. And the target?"

"Eliminated."

"As always, my sister, you exceed expectations."

Sakura kept herself from fidgeting. The tension between the two siblings made her uncomfortable.

Temari laughed suddenly and glomped her brother, making Sakura jump. "It's good to be back, Gaar-gaar."

"It's good to see you again, 'Mari. We've missed you."

"I missed you guys too," she said, squeezing him tightly before releasing him. "Oh. Hello, Sakura-san," she added to Sakura, a little stiffly.

"Hello, Temari-san," Sakura returned the greeting as warmly as she could.

"Aunt Mari," one of the children tugged on his aunt's garment. "Why is it you always get something for Uncle Gaara, but never anything for Daddy?"

Temari looked over at the scrolls she had just handed her brother with a wry grin, then patted the boy's head. "I got something for him this time," she told him, rummaging around in her cloak. "HEY! KANKURO!" she yelled as a man walked in the room alongside Nat. "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

"What?" Kankuro said blankly as his sister winged something at him. It caught him square in the head, almost making him drop his coffee. "Ow! Nice way to greet me after being gone a week!"

"It's your present."

"Present?" Kankuro picked up the object that had just ricocheted off his forehead. "Aw, a pacifier. Just what I've always wanted!"

_It's probably for their youngest child,_ Yukari explained. _God, how does Nat keep her figure?_

_Beats me_, Sakura shrugged.

"Temari, do you want some coffee or breakfast or anything?" Gaara asked.

Temari handed out the last of her gifts before answering. "No thanks. I'm just going to crash for a few hours. I'll see you around lunch time, maybe."

"Whatever you want to do. Sakura?"

"Um, I am a little hungry," Sakura said, feeling awkward. She knew they had been married a year and all, but she couldn't help feeling like she was a guest in this stranger's house.

Gaara held out his hand, and Sakura laid hers lightly on top of his and allowed him to lead her off. Very formal. Granted, she didn't know where she was going, but still...

_Hey, not to be dissin' your man, but does he not do the whole "human emotion" thing?_ Yukari asked.

_I don't think he does... How did I get roped into marrying him? I'm surprised I haven't killed myself, if this is how intimate we usually are... on the other hand, if we were any more intimate than this, I'd probably kill myself, too. I mean, I don't even know this guy!_

Sakura and Gaara reached the kitchen, where Sakura grabbed an orange out of a basket on the table and began the long task of peeling it (a task she intended to make last as long as possible). "Don't you want anything, Gaara?" she asked, trying to overcome her timidity.

"I ate earlier."

"Midnight snacks don't count," Sakura said. Gaara grinned at her again (making Sakura remember, too late, her resolution to avoid this facial expression), and picked up another orange.

"Very well," he said, sitting down next to her. Sakura went back to peeling her orange, reflecting there were few things that could end a conversation quicker than the lone phrase "very well." Gaara did the same, and they spent several minutes working away at their fruit.

"Sakura," Gaara said after these minutes had past. Sakura looked up.

"Do you want me to peel that for you?" she asked. Gaara looked back down at his orange, momentarily confused.

"Oh, the orange, no. I was just thinking, our anniversary is coming up,"

"It is?" Sakura started to ask, then stopped herself. "I mean, yes, it is."

"And that means you have been away from your home for a year. I know it's hard on you... I wish my job allowed me to leave more-,"

"Well, that can't be helped," Sakura said understandingly. _Uh, Yukari? What does Gaara DO for a living?_

_Um... let me check my handy-dandy reference..._

Gaara grimaced, or maybe it was a sad smile, Sakura wasn't sure. "Thank you, but it still isn't fair to you. I was thinking, for our anniversary, do you want to go to Konoha?"

Sakura perked up. Ok, she hadn't really been away from home for a year, more like a few hours, but she could see that Mrs. Gaara Sakura (_Yeah, I'm gonna need to find out his last name sometime in here...) _would have appreciated it greatly. "Could we?"

"For you, anything."

Sakura turned a brilliant shade of red. This was easily the most cheesy romantic thing anybody had ever said to her, and she also had the notion that this scene was supposed to be leading up to a kiss, and she wasn't sure how she was going to handle that, and Gaara was looking at her oddly and leaning in and Sakura was beginning to freak out just a little and-

"HEY! KAZ!" yelled a man, walking into the kitchen. "Your little underlings are looking for you!"

Gaara turned to him, looking mildly annoyed, although not at the intruder. "Can't they wait?"

"Nope. They're very persistent... and if they wake up Temari looking for you, God help us all," he laughed, ruffling Gaara's hair.

Gaara rolled his eyes and sighed unhappily, getting to his feet. "Fine." He brushed his hand across Sakura's cheek. "We'll talk more about it later, ok?" Sakura nodded and smiled encouragingly. Gaara smiled back (or maybe it was a grimace; in any case, she liked it better than the creepy-guy grin.)

"Hey, can I have this orange?" the messenger asked Gaara as he exited, stealing Gaara's chair and proceeding to help himself without waiting for an answer. "So, how are you this morning, Sakura-chan?"

"Oh, I'm... fine."

"As good as can be expected for waking up to the Return of the Journeying Sister-in-law, I suppose. I love her to death, don't get me wrong, but I also love sleeping in an awful lot."

Sakura smiled politely, then realized with a start that this was Kankuro she was talking to, as identified earlier that morning by the pacifier incident. It hadn't occurred to her, but until now she had never known what he looked like without the hood and makeup. Of course, that he was several years older than the last time she saw him didn't help her powers of recognition.

_Found it!_ Yukari announced. _He's a..._ she paused. _He's a..._

_You don't know how to pronounce it, do you?_

_Shush, you! I can speak Japanese as well as the next girl! He's a ka- kay-zee,_

_Kazekage?_

_Yeah, that sounds right._

_Oh._

Sakura peeled off an orange section and popped it in her mouth. She chewed on it while her mind caught up with the conversation she had just had.

_Whoa, he's the WHAT?_ she gasped mentally, choking on her orange. Kankuro patted her on the back uncertainly.

"Are you ok?"

"Fine," she whispered, her eyes watering. "Just... got some pulp down the wrong way... Um, what were we talking about?"

"Oh, I was just pointing out that Temari has a tendency to wake everyone up at odd hours of the night when she gets home. Rather rude."

Sakura shrugged. "She's fine. We weren't asleep, anyway."

Kankuro's eyes widened. "Can I stop you there before you go into any detail?"

Sakura's eyes widened in return, and she turned red again. "No, it wasn't-- I mean, yeah, sorry."

"...so... While we're on awkward and uncomfortable topics, have you two thought about having kids at all?"

Sakura's mouth dropped open (in addition to her being red and having wide eyes). "Pardon me?"

"No, seriously," Kankuro ripped away the last of his orange peel and began playing with it offhand. "Gaara really likes kids. He relates to them or something. He'd be a good father... I dunno, I just think it'd do him good to have some children of his own."

Sakura smiled. "Of course, you'd have to weight that against the possibility of them having red and pink hair."

"Actually, that'd be kind of cute."

Sakura thought about this. "Are you ... color-blind?"

"Hey, you married him."

"It wasn't exactly my decision," Sakura said peevishly, microseconds before realizing that she was in an Alternate Universe where, apparently, it had been her decision. _Oops..._

"Right, sure, Sakura," Kankuro laughed. "It's one thing to play the martyr for Naruto and Ino, it's another thing to try it around your brother-in-law."

"Ok, you've lost me," Sakura said, once again out loud.

"Don't even. I know it was as much your idea as his," Kankuro winked at her, then did a double take, staring through the doorway. "Mark!" he yelled, standing up. "Get that DustBuster away from your sister!"

Sakura heard the sound of a vacuum cleaner starting up. Kankuro ran out the door.

This left Sakura alone. She ate another slice of her fast-disappearing orange and pondered her next move. A few minutes later, as she finished off her last slice, she was still pondering.

"I think I'll get dressed," she decided aloud, standing up.

_Do you remember how to get back to your room?_

_...I've got time to kill... sooner or later I'm bound to run across it._

_Aw, you don't want to spend time with your hubby?_

_Not really. Anyway, I'm not dressed._ Sakura responded, walking up a likely-looking flight of stairs.

--several hours later--

_Why is this place so fricking huge? _Sakura asked herself. It wasn't even that the building was all that large, considering it housed a rather large family. It just was several stories high and had a very confusing layout, so Sakura found herself walking up and down flights of stairs that twisted and lead back to floors she had just gotten off of. _How did I end up here?_

_You went through that door with the phoenixes carved on it, then down the hall with the purple carpet, up the spiral stairs, then, _Yukari began recounting her movements.

Sakura sighed and opened a door to find a sitting room with an inviting couch beckoning to her.

_So, how did I end up married to Gaara?_ she asked Yukari.

_Um... I don't really understand the little story here,_ she admitted bashfully. _Do you want to do a flashback?_

_A what? _Sakura barely had time to think/ask before the room around her changed dramatically.

"Oh, hey," Yukari appeared beside her, tapping her on the shoulder. "Welcome to the flashback."

"What's a flashback?"

"Like, in the movies, how somebody will have a flashback? Well, this is kind of like that... it's almost a slide show of the important bits of your life."

"Ok, I get it." Sakura then turned her attention to her own personal slide show. She was currently watching a scene taking place in the Hokage's office back in Konoha... the Hokage was talking to Gaara, presumably in his role as Kazekage. Gaara she recognized because she had seen him this morning, but the Hokage was new to her. It didn't help that he was wearing the Huge Straw Hat of Fire Power, which obscured most of his face.

"I don't know why you insist on wearing that," Gaara was saying, mimicking Sakura's thoughts.

"I like my Huge Straw Hat of Fire Power!" the new Hokage exclaimed in a deep, yet somehow immature voice. Sakura tried to peer into the shadows around his face, but didn't succeed.

"Hey, Yukari, who's the new Hokage?"

"I dunno," Yukari shrugged. "No one I know. Now shut up, you're missing the movie!"

"— would ensure our nations remain at peace far into the future," Gaara finished a very long speech Sakura had missed.

"... Very old school," the Hokage noted. "On the one hand, I would like to see these negotiations end. I mean, god, they've been going on forever... but I can't agree to this unless she is fully willing. I mean, she's a friend of mine, her happiness is important to me."

"I understand."

"With what you're proposing, you'd damn well better understand."

"I intend to sign the treaty in any case, I merely thought-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Hey, let's take a lunch break or something while I run this by her."

And then the scene changed again. Sakura jumped. They were in her favorite restaurant, where the Hokage, still wearing his hat, was talking to another her.

"All right, Naruto, what's going on?" Other Sakura asked. Sakura jumped again.

"HOLY SH– That's NARUTO?" she gasped, walking over to try to look under the hat again. "_Naruto_ actually became Hokage? Did every other person on the face of the planet die or something?"

"That's not very nice," Yukari commented.

"He's my teammate, I'm allowed to be mean. Holy shit," she repeated quietly, sitting down next to herself. "Naruto's the Hokage."

"Only in this reality," Yukari said between bites of a sandwich. Sakura did a double take.

"Where'd you get that?"

"I swiped it off that table over there," she said, pointing at a confused restaurant patron.

Sakura shrugged and returned her attention to NarutoHokage and Other Sakura.

"Well, to be honest, Sakura-chan... uh, you know that peace treaty with Sand that I've been working on for the past six months or whatever?"

"Of course," Other Sakura said. "The one that's replacing the one that was broken during the Cheesy Ramen Incident."

"Yeah, that one. Well, um, Gaara and me-,"

"Gaara and I."

"Whatever, we came up with this... idea..." Naruto was becoming increasingly more embarrassed. "I thought I'd run it by you and see what you thought. We were kind of thinking... past treaties between Sand and Leaf tend to sort of... get violated a lot-,"

"Like the Chunin Exam Incident, the Desert Cactus Incident, the Cheesy Ramen Incident," Sakura put in.

"Yes, exactly," Naruto said. "And a lot of the time it's just because one or the other gets bored and decides to start a war... so, to strengthen the bond between the two villages, so that it's less of a temptation, we thought... maybe it would be good if either me or Gaara got married to someone from... you know, the other village."

"Yes, That's actually a great idea." Other Sakura said simply. "It's very diplomatic of you. Loyalty to your wife would prevent you from attacking Sand, and Gaara's loyalty to Temari,"

"WHOA!" Naruto shouted. "That's not... no."

"It was an example, doob," Other Sakura said, rolling her eyes. "Would prevent him from attacking Leaf... or visa versa, if he married someone from here. And then, her being around would strengthen intervillage ties for generations, especially if there are children... I take it that he's the one sticking his neck in the noose, since you're practically engaged to--,"

Sakura leaned in closer to herself. "Since he's practically engaged to who?" she asked herself, knowing she couldn't be heard.

Naruto stopped her. "I'm glad you like the idea, Sakura-chan."

"Wait!" Sakura (not other Sakura, but our heroine) protested, "Finish that thought, me, Naruto's engaged to who?"

Other Sakura smiled sardonically. "Something I'm not going to like is coming, isn't it?"

"Gaara... um... wants to marry you..."

Other Sakura nodded quietly, her face emotionless.

"I was expecting more of an outburst," Naruto admitted.

"Why?"

"Because... and I love Gaara to death, don't get me wrong, and it really would be great if you'd do this, but it's asking an awful lot."

"I'm not sure I agree with you there," Other Sakura said cryptically.

"Well," Naruto seemed flustered by this. "I um... guess I'll go tell Gaara that the deal's on... Are you sure about this, Sakura?"

"Very."

"I mean, your parents _can't_ like Gaara after-,"

"My parents will understand it is for the good of the village."

Naruto left, and Other Sakura smiled a bright, happy, just-got-engaged kind of smile and laughed a bright, happy, just-got-engaged-against-all-odds kind of laugh.

* * *

"Aunt Sakura! Aunt Sakura!"

Sakura awoke with a start. She was on the couch that she had collapsed on, and a little brown-haired girl, about seven years old, was shaking her awake. "Aunt Sakura," she giggled. "What are you doing here?"

Sakura sat up. "Well, I went through the doors with the phoenixes carved on them, down the hall with the purple carpet... actually, I'm not real sure."

_Sorry, guess you fall asleep during flashbacks,_ Yukari apologized. _It's a default... By the way, the girl's name is Sarah, she's your niece._

_I still don't understand why I wanted to marry him,_ Sakura thought to herself.

Sarah giggled at her crazy aunt. "Uncle Gaar was looking for you," she said.

"Oh. Where is he?" she asked, standing up.

"That was an hour ago, Aunt Sakura. Did you get lost again?"

"Um... just a little bit," Sakura admitted.

Sarah grabbed her by the hand. "Come on," she insisted, leading her along. "You can't wear your pajamas to dinner."

The girl reminded her almost exactly of Ino, an impression that kept getting stronger and stronger as Sarah took her aunt back to her (Sakura's) bedroom and began playing dress-up with her.

It was getting closer and closer to dinner time when someone rattled the door handle. (They didn't succeed in opening it, as Sarah had locked the door.)

"Sakura? Are you in here?" Gaara's voice called from without.

"You can't come in, Uncle Gaar!" Sarah called back as she applied some eyeliner to Sakura. "No boys allowed!"

Gaara made an odd noise... it was muffled by the door, but Sakura thought it was a chuckle. "Well, I guess you and Aunt Sakura just won't be able to come to dinner... we'll probably eat all the dessert while you two are busy, but I'll save some veggies for you."

"Wait, we're coming!" the little girl protested. "Just a minute! Please don't start dessert without us!"

Sakura really did like little kids. She smiled, her eyes straying to a corner of the room, where she noticed, suddenly, that an eyeball was sitting calmly, watching her. She stared back at it, then stuck out her tongue.

Sarah, afraid of being late for dinner, opened to door in the face of her uncle, who had one eye closed, with his hand pressed against his oddly-dark eyelid. He snapped out of the trance that he had apparently been in when he saw her. "Look at you. Are you going to a ball tonight?"

Sarah giggled and spun around to show off the several-sizes-too-large and pink (very pink) dress she was wearing. They had found it in Sakura's closet, and Sakura wasn't entirely sure why she owned it in the first place. "Maybe... look at Aunt Sakura," she exclaimed, pulling him into the bedroom. "Isn't she pretty?"

Sakura turned red under her makeup, which had been applied by a small child and therefore was very crooked and very thick.

"Very pretty," Gaara assured his niece, then stuck his tongue out at Sakura. "Sarah-chan, why don't you run downstairs and show your parents... and let them know that your aunt and I will be right down, ok?"

Sarah nodded happily and skipped off.

Sakura smiled at Gaara, sincerely this time. She thought she finally understood, somewhat, why Other Sakura had been so happy to be marrying him.

"You have to love those kids," Gaara remarked, smiling (not grinning) fondly down the hallway Sarah had just skipped down.

Sakura nodded. "We should have some of our own sometime," she said slyly. In response to this (probably uncalled for) statement, Gaara brushed a loose hair back to its position behind Sakura's ear.

"Yes... we should talk about that... later tonight," he whispered.

Sakura closed her eyes, not sure if it was out of embarrassment or something else, and when she opened them a millisecond later, Gaara (and Mrs. Sakura Gaara) had ceased to exist.

_Well, your twelve hours in Paradise Number One are up,_ Miss Yukari chirped by way of explanation. _Let's look at option number two, shall we?_

* * *

A/N: Wow, long chapter, huh? (The sad part: I didn't include half the stuff I wanted to.) Don't expect updates frequently on this one. I will try, but filling up a whole day for her takes a long time. (Longer than I thought it would.)

(Blatant self-insertion: If you ever need your SakuGaar fix, there's always Twirlygigs and Gizzards, located, along with many other fine fics, on KalliopeStarmist's profile. Also, if you liked Kankuro's kids and want to see more baby ninjas, my friend Celeris has a fic up called The Generation of Fire, and it's quite good and full of ninja babies. And slightly less on crack than I am.)


	3. Mrs Sakura Hyuuga

* * *

The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura Hyuuga

A/N: In my never-ending quest to make these chapters shorter, I come up with one longer than the one before... oops. Apologies, all. Aside from that, this should be the last of the ones dealing heavily with in-laws, so I should be moving more into the actual relationship. (God help us all.)

It is worth warning you that the following chapter is full of random OC's (some with comically Western names).

* * *

_Sakura, before we start this next day, I've got some advice,_ Yukari said. _You're not going to have any fun until you lighten up a little._

_What do you mean, lighten up? _

_You know what I mean. The last guy you were so uptight and busy avoiding him that you didn't get into it at all until the very end. How are you supposed to find out what it's like to be married to these guys if you're deadly afraid of human contact? Now, I know that you weren't expecting to be paired with him, but still. For God's sake, girl, this is your chance to find out which of your friends is the best kisser! Get into it! _

_Um... I guess..._

_Oh, it's not like anyone's going to find out and think you're slutty, but do what you want, it's not my future. _

Sakura, upon pondering this, decided that it was good advice... especially when they got to Sasuke, but surely there would be others. She even went so far as to regret kissing Gaara... _that_ was certainly an opportunity that would never present itself again.

Shivering with the anticipation of being promiscuous in realities she may never return to, Sakura opened her eyes to find out her latest husband. The room was dim, but she could still see him, striping down to his boxers.

_Yukari... _

_Yes, before you ask, that's your husband. _

Sakura's hand flew discreetly to her face to see if she had a black eye or any other bruises. She didn't, but she wanted to check, because she had always felt that Neji would make a fairly abusive spouse.

_Yukari, is there crack in that concoction of yours? _

_Of course not! These are all perfectly logical matches, even if you haven't realized it yet. _

_You do realize that the only real memory I have of Neji is him picking on Hinata until she cried when we were six, right? _

Yukari was silent for a moment. _... I'll check the ingredients. _

She felt a slight pressure on the mattress next to her, as though someone had crawled onto the bed and lain down beside her. An arm wrapped around her waist.

Sakura froze. _What now? How should I react? Should I snuggle? Should I say something? Should I... kiss him? I mean, I just vowed to be more outgoing, but I don't know what's expected in this kind of situation..._

The dilemma solved itself. While she was over-thinking herself into hysterics, Neji leaned over and kissed her, saving Sakura from almost certain hyperventilation.

_All right, see, Sakura, no big deal,_ she thought to herself. _Yukari's right, this'll be fun! And you've finally answered the age-old Konoha Kunoichi Question; Neji— Boxers or Briefs?_

"Sakura?" Neji asked quietly.

"Hmm?" Sakura murmured in return.

"I'm beat, I'm going to sleep for a bit, but don't go too far, ok? I've got a surprise for you when I wake up."

"I love surprises," Sakura said, pleasantly surprised just to know that Neji was capable of anything so romantic as planning a surprise for his wife.

"I know," he murmured semi-coherently, already half-asleep.

_Got it! _Yukari returned. _No crack._

_You sure?_

_Positive. Are you going to sleep all day?_

_All day?_

_It's 10:00, you're going to miss your day if you stay in bed... although, well, I guess not really since you're with him..._

Neji snored.

_I am kind of hungry,_ Sakura realized, carefully slipping from under her husband-for-a-day's arm and rooting through the dresser for her clothes.

* * *

Once dressed, she slid open the door, and suddenly found herself outside in the blinding light of mid-morning. "AK! What the hell--!" _Oh, that's right... the Hyuuga compound, they're all "traditional" and crap, _In real life, Sakura lived in a nice, one-family house in the suburbs, and did not understand the attraction of a communal ancestral home. Not to mention that single solitary memory of little Hinata crying... Sakura reminded herself forcefully that she had had a reason the last time she was married, and she had to stop second-guessing her future self and enjoy each situation for what it was. (Anyway, there couldn't be too many possibilities left.) _Neji is the only guy I know who can be mooching off his uncle after he's married and still think that he's all that. So, Yukari, how did I end up an honorary Hyuuga, anyway?_

Pages rustled in the back of her mind. _Um... oh, simple. Naruto brings Boy to party. Boy meets Girl. Girl turns 18. Boy marries Girl._

_Eighteen? _Sakura asked flatly.

_Eighteen,_ affirmed Ms Yukari.

_This is for that comment about Kankuro and Nat being too young, isn't it?_

_Don't take that tone of voice with me, young lady, I didn't create this future. But, yeah, if I was you, I'd watch what I say. I wouldn't be surprised if you kept getting younger and younger each time. Karma's a bitch... Is that a medical team carting someone away on a stretcher over there?_

It was. Sakura went over to investigate, but they were moving quickly and had walked through the gate that separated the Hyuuga place from the rest of Konoha and out of sight before she got across the large yard. Curious, she looked around for someone who could tell her what was going on, but found nobody. Only a couple of assorted Hyuugas walking by, clearly minding their own business and unaware (or apathetic) to what had just happened.

Sakura wondered if she was seeing things. _Yukari, you saw that, right?_

_Yes... man, girl, you pick out the weirdest in-laws._

_I didn't pick anyone! _Sakura objected. She glanced around again, and this time noticed a youngish-man (maybe mid-thirties) leaning against one of the large trees that flanked the gate.

"Hey, Sakura-chan," he greeted her when he noticed she was looking at him. "Here, pull yourself up some grass."

"Hi," Sakura smiled but didn't sit down. _Uh, Yukari?_

More pages rustled. _Hmm, sorry, can't help you... The only in-laws I have listed here are your cousins-in-law Hinata and Hanabi and your uncle-in-law Hiashi... oh, and "assorted distant relatives... omitted due to space constraints." Guess he's one of them. Note the creepy eyes._

_Oh..._ "Hey," she addressed the man. "Did you see those medics go by just now?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah."

"Do you know what that was all about?"

The man blinked. He seemed to exhibit many of the symptoms of someone who has a slight buzz on... and not necessarily from legal substances, either. "I don't know..."

"Well, any idea who they were carting away?"

"Oh, I think it was-,"

"Hello, Sakura-san!" a happy teenage voice spoke up suddenly from Sakura's elbow. She turned to see a girl who looked almost like Hinata... if Hinata was still 14 in this reality and slightly more angular and had confidence. Actually, come to think of it, she didn't really look like Hinata at all.

"Hey, Hanabi," the buzzed assorted relation greeted. Hanabi returned the wave.

"Hey, Bill. Not working today?"

"Nah, gave my team the day off, it's Bungalow Ferdinand's birthday. What are you doing, still following poor Sakura everywhere and driving her crazy?"

_Apparently she really admires you,_ Yukari threw in. _Or at least likes you. Follows you around and all that stuff._

"So, Sakura-san," Hanabi asked, giving the impression of rocking back and forth on the balls of her heels like an excited child without actually doing it. "Did Neji get back yet?"

"Yes, just a little while ago," Sakura responded. "Don't go and wake him up, now." Hanabi was roughly fourteen and old enough to not need this warning, but Sakura felt that there was something rather mischievous about her and that she should tack it on.

"Yeah, Hanabi, he'd snap you in half," Bill the Buzzed Assorted Relation laughed. "And I wouldn't blame him, either."

"Does it suck real bad, him being out on missions all night and stuff? Like, is it hard to get used to his schedule?"

Sakura shrugged. She wasn't used to his schedule... but, then, she had only been married to him for an hour or so.

"Why the sudden interest, Hanabi?" Bill asked. "One of your little boyfriends want to be an ANBU too?"

"Maybe..." Hanabi said with a wink.

"You're such a little whore," he said affectionately. Hanabi stuck her tongue out at him.

"So, Sakura-san," she continued with the barely-contained energy of someone with a hard-to-keep secret. "Did you talk to Neji at all this morning? Did he tell you yet?"

"Tell me what?"

Bill looked up. "Oh, are you talking about--,"

"Shh!" Hanabi silenced him. "He wants it to be a surprise."

Bill winked knowingly. "He's a good kid," he said to himself. "For one, he's quiet, unlike _some_ young women I could mention," he added to Sakura. Hanabi kicked gently at him.

"Oh, shut up, Bill, you know you love me."

"I swear, the reason Hinata is so shy is because our family's quota of outgoing is centered in you... why don't you get Sakura something to eat, to make up for talking her ear off."

"I'll make pancakes if you tell me what Neji's surprise is," Sakura added temptingly, hoping that Hanabi liked pancakes, and was as bad at keeping secrets as she seemed.

"I like your offer," she admitted regretfully. "But I swore I wouldn't tell, and you wouldn't want Neji to kill me, would you? Anyway, I already ate... and I told a friend I'd meet them."

"A male friend?" Bill suggested slyly. "Mr. ANBU?"

"No, a different one," Hanabi said brightly, skipping off to the outside world.

Sakura went looking for the kitchen, or the dining room, or where ever it was that she could find food. Occasionally an assorted distant relative-in-law would come across her, ask if Neji had told her yet, and then walk away with a mysterious smile when she asked what the flip they were talking about.

_Oh, man, I don't want this to turn into a repeat of the Sand Sibs' House. That was a nightmare, and I was TRYING to waste time._

_Well, you've only been at this for about ten minutes. You spent a couple of hours at Chateau Kaze. And I hope it's not a repeat, too. Those were some deadly dull hours, there,_ Yukari reminded her.

_Yeah, but at least I wasn't hungry, then._ Sakura sighed _I'm getting real curious about this "surprise"... and I'm beginning to think I imagined that squad of doctors._ Sakura thought she heard Hinata's voice coming from the door next to her, and decided to say hello, maybe find out if she wanted to grab some lunch, or at least point out the way to the kitchen. She opened the door a smidgen.

Inside was a bedroom, a very occupied bedroom. A bedroom very occupied by a semi-naked Hinata and... on the bed, his body completely covered by a sheet, his eyes closed, and a pink bra on his head...

"Shino, have you seen my bra?" Hinata asked, taking a pair of fuzzy handcuffs off her wrists.

"...Is it on my head?" Shino asked. Sakura closed the door and backed away slowly, afraid that any sudden movements might... she wasn't sure what, but sudden movement would be bad, she felt instinctively.

_Oh my god... did not need to poke our noses in there,_ Yukari mumbled.

* * *

Perhaps it was her brain trying to overwork itself into distraction, but Sakura figured out the layout of the Hyuuga compound within minutes of her unfortunate spywork, and was soon enjoying a nice, long-awaited meal. Hanabi, back from her date (or whatever) joined her, and, true to Bill's prediction, talked her ear off. Fortunately, Sakura was on a team with Naruto and friends with Ino, and therefore was good at tuning stuff out.

A woman, yet another of the assorted relatives, walked up to them and tapped Hanabi on the shoulder to stop her babble. "Um, excuse me, Hanabi-sama?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm not sure if you heard, but your father had a heart attack this morning,"

"That's what the stretcher was!" Sakura exclaimed triumphantly. The woman turned to stare her. "Oh, sorry... Is he all right?"

"He's stable, yes. Anyway, I thought you and Hinata and Neji could stop by and visit him or something... Sakura-san, I don't suppose you mind rounding up Hinata and your husband and letting them know?"

Sakura went pale at the thought of finding Hinata again. Hanabi saved her. "I'll find her for you, Sakura-san... you go wake up Neji... he probably won't hit _you_."

"By the way, Sakura-san," the random relative said, "I just heard... has Neji told you yet?"

"He wants it to be a surprise," Hanabi explained. The woman nodded.

"Why won't anyone tell me!?" Sakura said. The suspense was killing her.

* * *

Sakura was careful not to open the door to their bedroom too wide; she knew how unpleasant it was to be awakened to a bright streak of light after a long night of fighting.

"Neji, wake up," she whispered, shaking the lump on the bed lightly.

"Hmm?" asked the lump in a tired mumble.

"It's your uncle... he had a heart attack."

"Is he still alive?"

"Yes."

"Figures... He didn't die the first two times, I don't see why this one would do the trick. Oh well."

"They want you to go visit him."

"Like hell I will. Tell him that if he ain't dying, I'm not talking to him. Maybe he'll actually kick it next time."

"I'm not going! He's not my uncle."

A thin smile spread across Neji's face without him opening his eyes or sitting up. "That's probably wise of you... god, why did you marry into this family? You must be nuts."

"I fell in love with you, I guess..." Sakura shrugged. "Yeah, I guess I must be."

"I'm going to get you out of here, Sakura. I promise. I love you too much... but you have fun in the hospital. Take him some chrysanthemums; they're supposed to be a death flower."

"I told you, I'm not going without you."

"Well, one of us has to go... you won't take one bullet for me? Sugar-Pumpkin?"

"I'll go if you tell me what your surprise is." This was really getting under Sakura's skin.

"I will. Tonight... as soon as you get back. And if you don't go for me, go for poor Hinata. It'd be cruel to leave her alone with him just because you're trying to one-up your husband... who, by the way, is currently incapable of moving right now."

"You liar."

"Sakura, have you ever known me to pass up an opportunity to kiss you when my muscles have been in any condition to allow it?"

Sakura laughed, then bent over and kissed him. "All right, I'll go, but you'd better recover by the time I get back... I'm getting impatient."

* * *

When, as a young girl, Sakura had first heard Hinata talking about her little sister Hanabi, she had gotten the impression that Hanabi wasn't a real person; rather, she was a figment of Hiashi's crazed imagination. And while this had proved false (within the past several hours, that is. Sakura and the rest of the Konoha kids had never seen Hanabi in real life) it turned out that Hiashi had plenty of imaginary children who were less disappointing than his real daughters, and he preferred talking to them rather than his actual visitors. This made for an awkward visit, but a short one. The girls ended up simply dropping off the flowers, talking to the doctor briefly, and leaving the Patriarch of the Hyuuga Clan alone with the perfect genius Hyuugas, "Haru," "Hara," and "Haruko."

* * *

"Hello, Sakura, sweetie!" a little old lady accosted Sakura when they returned from the hospital and went their separate ways.

_Oh, GOD!_ Yukari groaned. _Not MORE in-laws! When is this guy of yours going to wake up and save you, here?_

_It won't help,_ Sakura predicted. _They'll still swarm us... ok, I've made up my mind on this, I could NEVER like Neji enough to live here with his family, no matter how good a time we had at Naruto's party._

The old lady pinched her cheeks affectionately and babbled about what a pretty young woman she was, and smart, too, ect, ect,

_Well, you've made a valuable discovery about yourself, _Yukari said triumphantly. _See how helpful this simulation is?_

_Yeah, actually, I'm getting out of something, here. I suppose I should thank you for this,_ she added in a less-than-thankful tone.

"And you're even nice to that good-for-nothing Hazazu," the old lady continued. "It's so good to know little Neji-kun managed to marry someone sane," (Sakura reflected briefly that she had never known anyone to refer to Neji as "little Neji-kun".) "Maybe it will off-set some of the hereditary insanity in his genes, and your kids will have a shot at normal."

"Sakura and I aren't having children, Grandma. Remember? Because I believe exposing small children to this family is child abuse?"

From this statement, Sakura was able to deduce that the hand that had just placed itself on her shoulder belonged to Neji and NOT another assorted in-law, and therefore she was safe.

"The point is she's a real human being," said Grandma Hyuuga. "...not like some of your cousin's Johns. Say, have you told her about--,"

"Not yet, Grandma."

"But he's just about to," Sakura threw in, turning to Neji. "As soon as you woke up, you said you would."

"So I did," Neji said with a small smile. He reached underneath her hair and untied her headband, then wrapped it around her eyes like a blindfold.

Sakura's first reaction was to yank it off, but he stopped her. "You don't trust me?"

"Not a bit," she said, letting her hands drop nonetheless.

"Humor me," he whispered in her ear, clapping his hands on her shoulders and guiding her forward. "I don't get to do stuff like this often... everyone in my family peeks."

Sakura registered her astonishment with Yukari that Neji possessed the sense of fun he was demonstrating.

"Hey, Sakura! Neji!" Hanabi yelled. Sakura and Neji winced. "What's with the get-up...?" Suddenly, the girl gasped. "Are you about to show her? Hey, everybody! Neji's gonna tell her!"

Immediately, Sakura was surrounded by excited, invisible voices. She was too paralyzed from fear to pull her blindfold off, and she had to make due with her instinct to press close to Neji and hope her day was up soon.

_Not until 10 tonight,_ Yukari said.

"Aw, she's going to be thrilled!"

"Yes, hopefully," Neji said calmly, pushing Sakura forward cautiously.

"I cannot believe you're actually doing this."

"Which shows how well you know me," Neji said flatly.

"Goodbye, Sakura-chan! Let us know what you think!"

"Goodbye. We'll write. Now, excuse us," he said in a monotone.

"You two are so cute together!"

"Please move," Neji repeated, a hint of anger in the monotone.

_Does HE not do the human emotion thing?_ Yukari asked.

_Not around his family; he's always been like that._

_Well, you certainly have a type._

_This potion of yours is the one that has a 'type'! Was it brewed by a sexually frustrated emo girl or something?_

_I could check the label._

_I was joking, Yukari._

* * *

Once beyond the collective, overly-excited Hyuuga clan, the walk was uneventful, if a little disorienting to the blinded Sakura.

"Almost there," Neji promised. "Wait here for a second, ok?"

"Wait!" Sakura groped the air around her, trying to follow the sound of his footsteps, which were retreating. "Don't--,"

"No peeking!" he called out, his voice getting more and more distant.

_This had better be good._

_I thought you liked surprises._ Yukari said.

_I panic a little when one of my senses is taken out, ok?_

"Ok," Neji re-appeared and steered her a few more steps. "Here it is..."

The headband fell from her eyes, and Sakura blinked for a second while she adjusted to the dusk sunlight. Her mouth dropped open. "...wow..."

"Surprised?" Neji asked from behind her, leaning over her shoulder to smile at her.

"You bought us a house?"

"Built," Neji corrected her. (_He's so modest_, Yukari said snidely.) "Remember when we were dating, and we came up with our dream home? You scribbled out the floor plan on a napkin at Aru's? Well, this is it."

Sakura looked at him, then let her amazed gaze wander back to the house; a beautiful little traditional Japanese cottage, tucked back away from the world and surrounded by peaceful trees. The kind of trees that made you think harmony and solitude.

"You built an entire house behind my back?" she asked, astounded.

"It wasn't as bad as it sounds," he said. "The hardest part was getting Hanabi to shut the hell up." He laughed, then swept her off her feet and spun her around. "And the best part, no more Hyuugas! We're at the geographical farthest from them we can be; I figured it out before I bought the land. No more Hanabi stalking you, no more crazy old Hiashi talking about his 'kids', no more Grandma cornering us, no one but you and me, Sakura. I promised you I'd get us away from them, and I did. It's just us now," he repeated, kissing her.

_Well, the first sign of sanity is knowing that family's not normal, if you ask me,_ Yukari said. _Maybe he really is a catch after all._

Sakura ignored her and allowed Neji to carry her over the threshold of their new home, which really was her dream home.

"Sorry there's no furniture yet," he said, setting her down inside the door. Sakura's mouth kept falling open as she walked around. She wanted to squeal, but couldn't quite make her vocal cords work.

In what she assumed would one day be the dining room, a few candles in holders on the bare floor illuminated a small, upper-class picnic: a bottle of wine with two glasses, two plates of sushi (Sakura recognized Tenten's distinct and delicious recipes), a bag of marshmallows, a giant chocolate bar, a box of graham crackers, and two chopsticks sharpened to the point where they would be perfect for spearing marshmallows to roast... say, over a candle.

"I thought we could camp out," Neji explained. "There's a sleeping bag in the bedroom."

"Just one?" Sakura asked.

"Just one."

They had finished the wine, sushi, and s'mores, and Sakura was still all-but speechless, trying to make sure Neji knew just how amazed she was at this... she was pretty sure she got the message, but-

"Neji, this is- I can't tell you," she kept saying, until finally he had a come-back.

"Why don't we take a look at the bedroom and see if you find a way to express yourself..."

Sakura blushed as he kissed her neck.

"Oh, by the way, I couldn't find the fuzzy handcuffs this afternoon..."

Sakura went pale. "I don't think you want them anymore," she said.

_Just when I thought I'd repressed everything!_ Yukari groaned.

Sakura blinked.

And the dream house of Mr. and Mrs. Neji Hyuuga, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Neji Hyuuga themselves, were gone.

_That ended not a moment too soon,_ Yukari said.

_I've changed my mind about him, by the way,_ Sakura said. _You're right, if he hates his family, he can't be all bad._

_You're just in it for the house, you little gold digger. First the Kazekage, now this..._

_It's YOUR potion! I'm trying to make the best of it and explore who I am and what I want._

_Well, now it's time to make the best of this; Future Number 3, coming right up._


	4. DeiSaku

The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura:

DeiSaku

* * *

Sakura awoke with someone running their fingers through her hair. _Really more of a Naruto thing than a Sasuke thing,_ she thought, not wanting to get her hopes up, but knowing deep down, that Sasuke, when he finally realized his love for her, would spend his mornings admiring her silky-soft hair. She opened her eyes to find what was either a very effeminate guy or Ino after trans-gender surgery. He had long, flowing, platinum blond hair, cornflower blue eyes, delicate features, and, in fact, the only way she really knew that he was a man at all was the fact that his robe, a black garment with red clouds and an odd collar (she guessed it was a bathrobe... it looked familiar for some reason) was open, revealing a decidedly male chest. He grinned at her in a lopsided, demented kind of way.

_Yukari?_ Sakura asked. _Who the HELL did I just marry?_

_Sakura, we've talked about this; I know some of these guys seem weird to you now, but they have good qualities,_

_No, really. What's his name?_

Yukari froze. _Seriously? You don't know who this is?_

_Never seen him before in my life. Is he my Vegas husband?_

_No..._ Yukari flipped through her guidebook. _Um... his name's Deidara, don't see a last name here. He's a semi-crazed artistic type, you know the ones, from Earth Country, does a lot of work with clay. Member of that club that your boy-love Sasuke's older brother joined._

_The Akatsuki?_

_Yeah._

_Yukari! The Akatsuki is a criminal organization! It's full of- of- EVIL!_

_You apparently learned to deal with it._

_That doesn't sound like me._

_Well, it is. Want to do a flashback?_

Sakura looked up at her new husband with no flash of recognition in her mind. _Yeah, let's._

She and Yukari appeared in a dim space, possibly a cave or a basement apartment with the curtains closed, where a group of shadowy figures were sitting in a circle.

"Look, I need this arm back on my body!" one yelled, waving a severed limb around, forcing the one next to him to duck. Yukari drew back, looking as disgusted as Sakura felt.

"Deidara, put that thing back in its ice-bucket so we can reattach it later," the silhouette of a Venus-fly-trap said sternly. Sakura moved over to the man with the severed arm, now identified as her husband.

"We don't know how to reattach it! I'm going to spend the rest of my life crippled!" he exclaimed. "So much for the super-strong Akatsuki, yeah! What good is a collection of geniuses if there isn't a decent medic among them?!"

"Please, Deidara, you're panicking. Calm down. We understand your hand's importance to you, and we are trying to formulate a plan to restore it."

"Anyway, Dei-dei," the one sitting next to Deidara laughed. "You're always saying how art is temporary, your ability to create it should be temporary too!"

Deidara hit him with his detached arm. "Sasori, I'm about to make your life temporary!"

"Stop waving that arm around!" the fly-trap winced. "You're going to break it!"

"There's no need to refer to Deidara-kun's art as past tense," another shadowy figure said quietly. "I know of someone skilled enough to help us. She lives in my home village,"

Some of the figures started laughing. "We could never capture Tsunade, you crazy—,"

"No, not Tsunade-sama. Her apprentice, a young lady who is barely twenty, yet already rivals her master... Haruno Sakura."

"Hey, that's me!" Sakura exclaimed.

* * *

The scene changed to a well-lit bedroom of the makeshift hospital variety. Deidara, rather pale, sat on the bed, the fingers of his good hand drumming restlessly against the mattress. Sakura cringed, looking at the bloody stump where his other arm used to be. That arm was now sitting on the bedside table, sticking out of a bucket of ice like a gruesome flower.

"Ew..." Yukari said, poking at it. "Gross."

Deidara turned his attention to his severed arm with a look so helpless that Sakura was able to ignore the open wound and feel a stab of pity for him. To a ninja used to focusing their chakra through their hands, the loss of an arm was virtually fatal.

The door opened and a ... _blue? Was he **blue**?_ man walked in. "We've got her," he told Deidara. "Sasori's trying to convince her to take a look at you right now."

"Convince her?" yelled Deidara, his mouth dropping open. "What do you mean, _convince_ her? She's our goddamn prisoner, if we tell her to _fix_ (not just 'take a look at') my arm, she's going to fix my arm or else, yeah!"

"It's not that simple, Deidara," the blue guy (_wait, were those **gills** on his neck?_) said. "You had your arm physically ripped from your body several days ago, not to mention you've been using it as a weapon, that's going to take a lot of work to heal. If she's not performing to the best of her abilities, because she wants you to get better, this might all be useless."

"Oh, look at him, Yukari," Sakura cooed. "How could I refuse to help him, poor guy?"

"So, Kisame," Deidara said, glaring at the blue man. "You're saying that I'm at the mercy of this spoiled little cow?"

Sakura's sympathy vanished.

Kisame's lips twitched. "Cow?" he asked, amused.

"Oh, come on, we all know there's no such thing as an attractive medic! All that time shut up inside tying bandages, dealing with dead people, it messes with them, yeah. This girl's probably some ugly surfboard who's loud and angry because she can't get a boyfriend."

Kisame laughed out loud and left without another word.

"You idiotic pig!" Sakura yelled, unheard by anyone but Yukari, kicking at Deidara. "I hope your other hand falls off! Serve you right!"

"All right, I'll have a look at him," Sakura's voice echoed from the hallway. Deidara perked up. "But that doesn't mean I'll help him," she added sullenly.

"Cow," Deidara muttered under his breath. The door slammed open, and another, grown-up Sakura entered, looking fed-up with her ordeal. She stepped up to Deidara's bed and stood in front of him, her hands on her hips.

And Deidara's mouth dropped open. He couldn't take his eyes off her, didn't even wince when she began moving his arm stub up and down.

"Tsk, tsk," she muttered, examining the wound. "Got in a fight, did ya? You're lucky to be alive, losing a limb like that with no medical care."

"I-," Deidara's eyes focused on Sakura's body for a moment, which was very close to him, as she was examining him. "I stopped the blood flow myself, with chakra."

"So I see," Sakura said, "Don't have any bandages around here? Or just didn't want to mess with it?"

"It hurt... we don't have many, anyway."

"I'll ask them to boil some sheets for us, we'll rip those up," she decided, checking the pulse of the other hand. Suddenly she dropped his wrist with a shriek. "WHAT'S THAT!?"

Real Sakura and Yukari got a look at what she was pointing at and shrieked, too.

Deidara rolled his fingers over the lipped opening in his hand. "It's a mouth."

Other Sakura cringed, but determinedly took his wrist up again. A tongue flicked its way out of the hand-mouth and ran over her thumb.

Sakura shuddered and yanked her hand back, wiping it off on her shorts. "Listen, you creep, I can fix your arm or break the other-,"

"No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Deidara pleaded. "It's got a mind of it's own, please help me, I'll be good!"

Sakura glared at him, then turned to the first aid kit that the Akatsuki had dug up and left in the room for her, as a gesture of helpfulness. Sakura clicked her tongue. "Hydrogen peroxide? Neosporin? Those'll go a long way in sticking your arm back on."

"Well, this isn't a hospital, yeah."

"Don't you have some paper and ink? REAL medical supplies?"

"Paper and ink?"

Sakura nodded, and Deidara shrugged and pointed to a desk. Sakura set to work drawing a complicated symbol on one scroll and writing out a list of required items on another.

"I don't have the strength to do this on my own in one day," she said as she wrote. "You're in for a very long and painful recovery, Deidara-san."

"But... I will recover, right?"

Sakura smiled at him. "You're cute when you're helpless," she decided. Deidara blushed. "Men usually are. Yes, you'll recover. But you're going to be spending a lot of nights with your arm half-grafted while I regain my strength. It will be very painful."

"As long as I get my hand back."

"That's the spirit!" Sakura said.

* * *

"What the—," Real Sakura said as the scene changed. "This is the same room!"

"Few weeks later," Yukari explained.

Deidara, his detached arm back on, but in a sling, perked up as Sakura entered the room carrying a small tray of poultices and medicines.

"Good morning, Deidara-kun," she said with the cheerful smile of a nurse. "How'd you sleep?" she asked, unwrapping his arm and inspecting the thick scar where the limb had re-joined the body. She rubbed some lotion onto it and pressed her hands against the skin.

"Fine. It feels much better now, yeah-- ah!" Deidara replied, gasping as Sakura began to focus her chakra into the healing wound.

"Good," Sakura said absently, keeping her attention on her task as sweat beads formed on her forehead. The scar began to fade.

After a moment she stepped away, much paler than she had been. She stumbled forward, and Deidara caught her with the arm she had just mended and swept her onto the bed next to him.

"Wow!" she exclaimed, "It really is feeling better, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Deidara said, smiling at her. He reached over and pulled a lump of clay out of a bag near his bed and placed it in the palm of his hand. The creepy mouth ate it, and a second later spat back out a beautiful, intricate miniature of a cherry tree. He handed it to Sakura. "Here, Sakura-chan. Thanks for helping me out, yeah."

Sakura held the sculpture up, admiring it. "It's gorgeous!"

"That's what my hands are for, yeah. Throw it against the door."

"What?" Sakura exclaimed. "It'll shatter!"

"Uh-huh. Life is fleeting, beauty even more so. True art should mimic that. Anyway, nothing can remain beautiful in this world for long. Better to destroy it at the height of its glory. At least, that's what I think... A philosophy today's world considers more in-tune with the battlefield than the art gallery, mmm. Throw it against the door."

Real Sakura and Yukari gaped at him. "He can't be seri— AH!" Yukari yelled, ducking to avoid being hit by the tiny tree as Sakura hurled it in her direction. It hit the door and exploded in an oddly heart-shaped ball of fire.

* * *

Real Sakura awoke, once more in her husband's arms. He winked.

"You really drank too much last night,"

"Yeah," Sakura said, smiling.

_Aw, you're finishing each other's sentences,_ Yukari cooed.

"Well, your anniversary comes but once a year," Deidara said. He raised her up, holding her close to him. "Sakura-chan, last night, when we were together-,"

_He means doin' it,_ Yukari clarified.

_I know!_ Sakura snapped back, embarrassed.

"I realized that our love is more beautiful than anything I've ever created myself, the purest art form...yeah..." Sakura blushed as he kissed her. The air around them seemed charged, as if with electricity... or chakra.

_Uh-oh,_ Sakura thought.

KABOOM!

There was a brilliant flash of light and heat, and then nothing.

_I never really 'got' the deconstructionist movement,_ Yukari noted.

_Did he just kill me?_ Sakura asked, blinking mentally.

_Yup, blew both of you up... crazy Bohemians._ Yukari said. _So, looks like this guy's a bust. Let's move onto number 4, shall we?_

_Yeah,_ said Sakura, feeling a little shaken after her experience. _Good idea._


	5. Mrs Sakura Yakushi

The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura Yakushi

* * *

An alarm clock went off nearby, then immediately turned off again. The man next to Sakura shifted, sitting up. Something clattered to the floor, making Sakura's husband swear.

"Um, Sakura?" he said, shaking her gently.

Sakura opened her eyes a little reluctantly, still wary after her brush with Deidara.

Her husband smiled bashfully when she sat up. "Hey, I dropped my glasses again... could you find them for me?"

_Yukari, I'm not sure who this is,_ Sakura said as she retrieved the missing glasses from the floor.

"I'm sorry I'm such a klutz, Sakura," her husband apologized endearingly. "I meant to let you sleep in today, but I can't see a thing without them."

_Yukari?_ Sakura asked again.

_Oh, what? Sorry, I zoned out there._

_Who is this?_ Sakura asked, returning the glasses to the mystery man. He put them on gratefully.

_Uh, his name's... _

_Kabuto?! _Sakura gasped mentally, trying not to let her surprise show. _The nerd from the Chunin exams?_

_It's kinda sad that you can't recognize him without his glasses._

_He's a traitor! He works for Orochimaru!_

_You didn't have a problem with the Akatsuki. _

_I DID have a problem with the Akatsuki, and anyway, more importantly, he must be a pedophile or something! He's like eighteen!_

_Deidara was older than you,_ Yukari began, then remembered how that marriage had ended._ And you and Kabuto are both in your mid-twenties. _

_What are you, his lawyer? I don't fancy hang out around Orochimaru's creepy lair with a pedophile all day!_

_You two live in Konoha. In a rather nice apartment. He works at a pharmacy. So, whatever he was into back in the day, he apparently straightened out when he met you. _

_Aw... how sweet. All right, I guess I'll give him a shot._

_You don't have much choice,_ Yukari reminded her.

"I have to work late again tonight, Sakura," Kabuto said as he got dressed.

"When will you be home?" Sakura asked, trying to be a supportive wife.

"Don't wait up for me."

_Well, that's no fun,_ Yukari noted disappointedly.

"I'll try to get home on time tomorrow, ok? I know I haven't been doing very well with it lately..."

_Tomorrow's your anniversary,_ Yukari informed her. Sakura was outraged that he would consider working on such an important day.

"Try to?!" she said. "You'd better!"

"Work's busy. I do try," Kabuto said.

"Well, try a little harder. Tomorrow's important..." Sakura paused. She didn't trust Kabuto. "Is there another woman involved?"

Kabuto blinked, looking confused at this accusation. "Sakura, you're the only person in the world for me."

"Me and your boss," Sakura said. Kabuto laughed and kissed her on the cheek.

"Don't be silly. I'll see you tonight."

_Well, how rude,_ Sakura huffed after he left.

_A few seconds ago you didn't even want to be married to him,_ Yukari reminded her.

_That doesn't mean I want to spend the day alone!_

_It says in the guidebook that he works late all the time, so if you don't want to be alone, don't marry him. _

_What on earth could he be doing that late in a pharmacy?_ Sakura perked up._ I know! I should make him lunch! _

_What? _

_You know, like a bento box or something! As a surprise. You said he works late a lot, so I don't get to see him very often... I'll show up around noon and we can eat lunch together! It'll be cute!_

So Sakura set to work. She cooked up all her favorite lunch recipes (she had quite a collection memorized from the days of convincing Sasuke to eat with her), wrapped them up adorably, and did her hair and makeup.

_There, how do I look? _she asked Yukari.

_Utterly, unbearably cute. _

_Perfect!_ Sakura gave her hair one last, satisfied pat.

* * *

At precisely noon, Sakura, carrying two lunch boxes, walked into the pharmacy Yukari's guidebook had specified.

"Excuse me," she said with a smile to the man behind the counter. "Is it time for Kabuto's lunch break yet?"

The man stared at her blankly. "Who?"

"Kabuto. Yakushi Kabuto," she said, being careful to annunciate. "He works here."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I really have no idea who you're talking about."

"What do you mean? Of course you do. He works here. He's got glasses, silver hair..." she pulled a picture out of her wallet. The man looked at it, then shook his head.

"Sorry."

"What? You're joking. You've got to be joking."

The door opened, and Ino entered.

"Ino!"

"Oh, hey, Sakura."

"Kabuto works here, right?"

Ino fidgeted, eager to get started on her shopping. "I've never seen him here... something wrong?"

"... he really doesn't work here? He's been lying to me? All this time? Do you— you don't think— he's cheating on me?"

"He'd have to be crazy," Ino assured her. "You know, I saw him this morning down at Training Ground Six..."

Sakura cracked her knuckles and stomped out of the store, leaving Ino to buy her tampons in peace.

* * *

_I don't care if this is just an illusion, NOBODY builds a relationship of lies with Haruno Sakura! _she swore to Yukari, down at Training Ground Six.

_That is a very healthy attitude for a young woman to have,_ Yukari told her.

_Arg. I can't believe the nerve of that four-eyed--,_ Sakura stomped her foot down, which produced a hollow, wooden noise on the ground below her. _Hello..._

Closer inspection revealed a hidden door leading to a flight of stone stairs that lead down a dark tunnel. Sakura, her faith in her marriage lessening with every step, followed them.

_Wait, do you hear-,_ Yukari paused Sakura after a walk long enough to take them far beyond Konoha limits.

"Orochimaru-sama, I can't come tomorrow," echoed through the passageway. "It's— well," the voice laughed as if aware of how silly his request was. "It's my anniversary... my wife wants me home."

Sakura's fists clenched as she tiptoed towards the voice.

"Oh, but Kabuto-kun, I want you here," murmured an effeminate voice to send chills down your spine.

_So there IS another woman!_ gasped Yukari.

_No... not quite,_ Sakura growled.

"I've been staying out too late, and it's not normal to work on your anniversary... Saku— my wife is getting suspicious."

"And since you married her to prove your loyalty to Konoha, her trust is a very valuable thing to have."

"It's not just that—,"

Orochimaru laughed. "Oh?"

"Well, of course, that was a large part of it... I would never have married her without your approval-,"

"Careful, Kabuto, you almost broke a sweat. No need to explain. I was young and in love once."

There was an incredulous pause.

"... I was young once," Orochimaru amended. "If you want to spend the day with little Sakura, I suppose I can spare you tomorrow... although, I must admit, I am surprised she caught on so quickly. I thought you had cleared out all suspicion."

"She thinks it's another woman."

Sakura stopped outside the door where the voices were originating.

_What now?_ Yukari asked.

_I have no clue. _

Evil laughter greeted Kabuto's last sentence. "Poor girl... not married a year and you're cheating on her? How horrible. You can't let her go on thinking that. Sakura-san," The door opened and a pasty-white, purple-eye-shadowed face with a creepy, mocking grin smiled at her, almost killing Sakura from fright and sending her on to the next husband... which would have been fine with her.

"Sakura-san," Orochimaru repeated. "I feel I must inform you that your husband has always been completely faithful to you."

_Well, that's a load off my mind,_ Yukari said.

_Yukari! We're in a lot of trouble here!_ Sakura snapped back as she was lead into the room.

Kabuto, standing next to a long table over what appeared to be a body, refused to meet her eyes when she entered. "I wish you hadn't done that, Orochimaru-sama..."

"Now, now, is this the thanks I get for working to save your marriage?"

Sakura kept her gaze on Kabuto, partly to make him uncomfortable, but mostly because everything else in the room freaked her out.

"Sakura..." Kabuto asked, still not meeting her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"What the hell are YOU doing here?" Sakura shouted. "You're supposed to be at work! But I guess that I'd skip too,** if nobody there even knew I existed!**"

Kabuto winced. "Sakura, I can explain—,"

"You don't need to. Snake man over here wanted a spy in Konoha, and your cover had been blown, so you had to make it look like you'd fallen in love and turned over a new leaf, and I was the leaf you picked, right? Stupid gullible little air head Sakura fell for it, right?" _I gave up Neji-the-hunk and my dream house for this guy?_

"No, Sakura—,"

"Spare me the crap! And forget about your covert operation in Konoha! I won't be used to destroy my village! I'm turning you in!" she declared, turning on her heel and storming into the hall, where she stopped, wincing.

_Yukari, why did I say that out loud? _

_Heat of the moment? ... are we gonna die? _

Orochimaru grabbed her arm._ In all likelihood, yes. _

"What are you going to do to her?" Kabuto asked quietly.

"Well, we do try to keep a supply of bodies around for you... what's your blood type, Sakura-san?"

"Um... A... B... no, wait, C... give me a minute, I'm pretty sure it's a letter..." Sakura stuttered.

"It's O," Kabuto said, "and we don't need any O type right now."

"People know I'm looking for you," Sakura warned Kabuto. "If I go missing—,"

"Bright child," chuckled Orochimaru. "Kabuto-kun told me you were smart. He's very fond of you... I'm sure everyone in Konoha would be sympathetic if you were killed by his former master. He would be so heartbroken, nobody would ever dream he was a traitor..."

Sakura ignored Orochimaru and continued to glare at Kabuto, particularly happy with how miserable he looked. _Serves him right... Gaara wouldn't have pulled a stunt like this_.

Orochimaru laughed lightly at the expression on his minion's face. "Well, no need to decide just yet. Why don't you lock Mrs. Yakushi up for me for now. I'm sure she'd love to have a word with you." he suggested silkily, pulling Sakura along. He let go of her to pick up something on the floor; Sakura's two carefully packed lunches. "Hmm... she brought you lunch," he told Kabuto, who was lingering in the room. "How utterly, unbearably cute... this smells great, Sakura-san, do you mind if I—,"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do!" Sakura snapped, yanking the bento boxes away. _Maybe he'll kill me and I can go on._ _Actually, no, I don't want to die_...

"Kukuku... Kabuto-kun, lock her up... and no hurry, if you want to eat lunch with her. Let me know if she's any good at cooking... something tells me that I'm not going to be getting many dinner invitations to your home."

Kabuto grabbed her arm gently. "Sakura, please, just— OOF!"

For Sakura had decided to take a stand and had punched him in the stomach, which sent him flying into the wall. Sakura paused, staring at her fist. _Whoa... _

_Now's not the time, girl! RUN LIKE HELL!_ Yukari yelled.

Sakura did, not stopping to look behind her or pay attention to the turns she was taking in the maze-like lair until she slammed a door shut behind here, and found herself locked in a walk-in freezer. One filled with human corpses, some of them grotesquely mutilated.

_Yukari? _Sakura whimpered.

__

Yes? 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_My sentiments exactly. _

Any hope I'll freeze to death before the six hours I have left are up?

I doubt it.

Sakura sighed and sat down against the door, catching her breath. _This guy's a flop, too... man, I have no luck with older men... or villains._

* * *

Sakura and Yukari weren't sure how much time they passed freezing to death... Yukari did become well acquainted with "Bob" as she affectionately dubbed the creepy dead body closest to them. Sakura made a couple of attempts to break open the door, but aside from making a good deal of noise, nothing came of it.

"Do you think she escaped?"

Sakura perked up when she heard the voice, so close to the freezer she was trapped in. She would have rather kissed Bob than reveal herself to Kabuto and Orochimaru, but eavesdropping is always a good way to pass the time.

"Impossible... you know the security measures I've taken. She's either still trapped inside, or no longer living."

"She couldn't have such a bad sense of direction as to have ended up in here..."

"Kabuto-kun, are you crying?"

"What? I- no-,"

"It's ok. I was just surprised to see you expressing any real emotion... it's very rare for you to take off your little mask."

"I hoped she would never find out..."

"I don't blame you. She makes some damn good rice balls... are you sure you don't want one? They were in _your_ lunch."

_The bastard!_ Sakura thought, _I told him not to touch them! _

"I can't eat at a time like this."

"I'll save you one."

"God, what are we going to do with her once we find her? We have to kill her... there's no other way... Sakura..."

"Poor Kabuto, you really loved this girl, didn't you?" There was a pause, presumably accompanied by some telling gesture on Kabuto's part. "I wasn't lying earlier. I have been in love before... sadly, the object of my affections was the type very good at ripping out hearts and stomping them flat," Orochimaru laughed, "but nonetheless, I sympathize."

_So... is he gay, or not, or...?_

_I'm not sure... nobody really is. It's one of life's mysteries. _

"I caused this... if I had just left her alone," Kabuto sighed brokenly. "Is there no other way to deal with her? Does she have to die?"

"I suppose we could change locations quickly, then release her, if she hasn't seen too much already. It shouldn't matter what happens to her, since you'll never be able to see her again in any case."

Kabuto choked back a single sob.

_No pity for the poor boy?_ Yukari asked,_Not even a little? _

_Yukari, I'm locked in a freezer with Bob the dead guy, my husband has been using me to gather information about my home so he can destroy it, and he's letting his master eat MY rice balls. I have no sympathy._

"Kabuto," Orochimaru said, "Maybe you should stay behind and let me handle this little security breach... your emotions will get in the way, especially when checking the traps..."

"...thank you, Orochimaru-sama."

_Thank you Orochimaru-sama,_ Sakura mimicked sarcastically to Yukari. _Why do I get all the nutcases? _

"Try the rice balls, they're good."

"I'm not hungry."

"I'll leave them here for you."

"I think I'll... maybe go— home,"

"Very well."

There was a long awkward space of time wherein Sakura assumed that Orochimaru had left and Kabuto had cried quite a bit.

_Yukari, how much longer do I have left in this reality? I don't think I can take much more of--, _The door to the freezer swung open.

"Sakura?"

Sakura let out a strangled cry and backed deeper into the freezer, away from Kabuto.

"No, Sakura, please, listen to me-,"

"Get away from me!" Sakura snapped, pulling a kunai out of her back pocket. "Actually, on second thought, come here so I can slit your goddamn throat!" she yelled, springing on him. He caught her easily and twisted her wrist back, making her drop the weapon.

"Sakura, listen to me," he hissed, clamping a hand over her mouth. "If you want to get out of here alive, you need to trust me."

"Trust you?" Sakura snorted.

"Please," Kabuto pleaded, "I'm trying to protect you!"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Fine. I suppose all I've got to lose is my life. And this isn't one I'm interested in keeping," she added, wondering how many of these freak shows she was going to have to put up with before she married Sasuke.

"Be as quiet as you can, and follow me... I know the way out of here."

Whatever Kabuto's record with trustworthiness, in this instance he was as good as his word, and he and Sakura were soon out on the streets of nighttime Konoha.

"All right... Sakura, I'm going back to our apartment... tomorrow I'll go back to him as though nothing is wrong. When he finds out that you've escaped, we'll change headquarters, and he'll no doubt send someone looking for you. Do you have somewhere safe that you can go?"

Sakura nodded, and thought about making a quip about if Neji was still single, but decided against it.

"Tomorrow, go to the Hokage, and, maybe... go into hiding for a while, until he's no longer worried about you. A month, maybe... you'll be ok."

"What about you?" Sakura asked, a certain bitterness creeping into her voice. "Continuing your life of misdeeds?"

"He can't suspect that I had anything to do with your escape. Once it's safe, I'll escape, I'll come back."

"You'll have nothing to come back to," Sakura warned him, "so you might as well stay with your precious Orochimaru-sama."

"Sakura, please—," he reached out for her, and she pulled away.

"I can't trust you... when and if you do return, I—," Sakura paused to think. "I won't turn you in, not immediately. But if you so much as blink the wrong way—,"

"I will return, and I'll give it all up, for real this time. I promise."

"I already said I can't trust your promises, Kabuto." Sakura responded coldly. "Farewell." She turned to leave, but he called her back.

"Sakura,"

She turned once more, and he caught her and held her for a moment.

"Sakura," he whispered, "I will redeem myself... I will prove that I love you. I will."

He kissed her.

_Well, that was dramatic,_ Yukari noted. _Time for husband five!

* * *

_

A/N: I actually really liked writing this chapter... Whoever suggested this pairing may have won a convert. XD


	6. Mrs Sakura Hatake

* * *

The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura Hatake

A/N: Special thanks to Alisa, who is responsible for Yondaime making the cut (as well as finding fics for Genma, Hidan, and Kimimaro), rebel-girl, Calm Serene, and Following Padfoot's Pawprints for Genma being reinstated, and FoxGirlKitsune for Kimimaro (She could only find 4, but since Marrow by DeGlace is one of the most popular Naruto stories out there, Kimimaro gets a day with Sakura.)

From now on I will be keeping the updated version of this list on my profile rather than at the beginning of each chapter.

* * *

Sakura arched her back, stretching as she woke. _I think today I'm going to take it easy... no cooking, no planning surprises, no foiling plots to destroy Konoha,_

_No Bob the Dead Guy._

_No Bob the Dead Guy. If Sas- if the next guy..._ Sakura sent a mental wink at Yukari. Who else could the next guy be at this point? Didn't she deserve a break (and a bishie) after the Kabuto and Deidara Ordeals? _If he wants to do something fun and romantic, that's fine, but I'm not spending the day locked in a freezer._

Sakura's husband giggled next to her. Assuming it was Naruto planning something horribly mischievous, she grinned and opened her eyes.

Kakashi was occupying the bed next to her, giggling for the only reason Kakashi giggled; he was reading.

_Bring back Four-Eyes!_ Sakura pleaded with Yukari.

_Aw, come on, Sakura. This one's pretty cute._

_Kabuto looks YOUNG next to Sensei! And he's a total perv! I don't care how old I am, I am NOT marrying my teacher! Even for a day! Even in a simulation!_

_Then can I have his number?... say, what's that he's reading?_

_A good old-fashion "pillow book". You'd think he wouldn't, being married and all, but that's Sensei for you._

_Eh, never mind. I've dated enough weirdos. Is he wearing a mask?_

_Yup... I guess he even wears it to sleep... I hope he washes it. In fact, I'm sure he does. I'll put up with X-rated books first thing in the morning, but that face cover is going in the wash at least once a week._

"Sakura-chan?"

Sakura jerked away involuntarily as he lay a hand on her shoulder. "AH!" she took a deep breath and tried to relax. "Er, good morning."

Kakashi didn't seem to find this behavior odd. The visible part of his face crinkled into a smile. "Good morning. Sleep well?"

Sakura nodded cautiously.

He nuzzled his nose against hers, which she assumed was his Kakashi-has-body-issues-and-can't-expose-his-lips version of a kiss. "Good to hear."

_Uh, Yukari? Flashback?_

_Coming right up._

The scene changed to the great outdoors. Team Seven, a few years older than in reality, but otherwise still the same old Team Seven, was walking along, apparently on a mission, chatting and being themselves.

"All right, Sensei, your turn," the other Sakura laughed. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Kakashi said.

The three kids (although they really could no longer be called children) giggled. "All right," Sakura said slyly. "I dare you to take off your mask."

Kakashi shook his head. "Sorry, kids, but I can't do that."

"What?" Naruto exclaimed. "Why not?"

"Yeah, Kakashi, you can't refuse, you picked Dare," Sasuke objected. The reason for his firm stand on this issue was very clear; he was wearing a flower wreath around his hair with the sulky demeanor of someone who picked "Dare" against his better judgement.

Kakashi tightened the tie that kept the cloth over his face with a quiet chuckle. "I won't show my face so easily; I'm saving it for my wedding night."

"Aw, Sensei, come on," Sakura teased. "You got to lose it sometime,"

At that moment there was a huge unexpected explosion. Real Sakura and Yukari clung instinctively to each other, unable to see much through the smoke except for vaguely threatening figures darting by to close for comfort.

Somewhere in the fog, the other Sakura screamed.

"Sakura!" Naruto and Sasuke, also invisible, yelled.

"NARU-!" the missing kunoichi's cry was cut off. The sounds of a scuffle reached the fortune teller and her client.

"SAKURA!" Kakashi screamed desperately. "Naruto! Sasuke! Are you ok?!"

"We're fine, Sensei, find Sakura!" Sasuke yelled. The strangled choking noise of one of the opponents dying accompanied his words.

"Let's get somewhere we can see," Sakura suggested. Yukari clung to her, white as a sheet. "Come on, it's just a violent death struggle," she said gently, leading the woman out of the smoke cloud.

"... right, right, just a violent death struggle, no big deal!" Yukari said haughtily, trying to mask her panic attack. "I was just... surprised, that's all!"

Kakashi emerged from the battle zone, carrying an unconscious Sakura in his arms. He laid her down on the ground gently and knelt next to her, whispering frantically under his breath. "Come on, Sakura, open your eyes... keep breathing, please..." He started checking her vital signs, somewhat clumsily. Real Sakura smiled. Kakashi-sensei was not cut out to be a doctor. "Oh god, don't die on me, Sakura, don't die... I don't know what to do... what's wrong, why aren't you breathing right? Come on, Sakura, wake up, please wake up-,"

Sasuke and Naruto appeared on either side of him, spattered with blood, very little of it their own. "Sakura!"

"Is she ok?"

"She's not breathing right," Kakashi said, not taking his eye off of Sakura. He continued his anxious mantra of "please wake up, please don't die, you can't die," while the boys examined her.

"Open her shirt a little so she can breath," Sasuke suggested. Naruto slapped him. "Ow! The hell?"

"You pervert! Sakura is dying and all you can think about is stealing a peek? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You're the pervert! If she's having trouble breathing you're supposed to take away any constrictions. Only a freak like you would think about sex at a time like this!"

Kakashi carefully unbuttoned Sakura's shirt, stopping before anything too risque was revealed. "Come on, Sakura, wake up, wake up," he pleaded.

"Try mouth to mouth," Naruto suggested.

"Moron, Kakashi can't take off his mask."

"I'll do it."

"You're just trying to take advantage of her! I can't believe you, you creep."

"No, seriously, Sasuke, she needs CRP!"

Sasuke glared at him. "Well, then let me give it to her. I don't want her feeling molested. She can trust me."

"Trust you? HA! You're worse than me! You're jealous I suggested it, aren't you?"

"Of course not, I'm ... um... just looking out for her! Anyway, what would your wife say?"

"My wife?"

"You know, your little almost-fiancee—,"

Real Sakura leaned in. "Yes, Sasuke? Naruto's dating who?"

But Sasuke never let the name slip, because at that moment Kakashi let out a desperate moan and ripped off his mask, pressing his lips against the unconscious Sakura's and breathing into her mouth. "I can't lose you, I can't," he whispered between breaths.

Real Sakura didn't think to pay attention to her teacher's unmasked face. She was torn between laughing at the expressions of horror on Sasuke's and Naruto's faces and being utterly disgusted and repulsed herself.

The other Sakura's eyelids began to flutter. Kakashi pulled back a little as she opened her eyes. "Sensei? What—,"

"Woo! Go Sensei!" Naruto cheered. "You saved Sakura!"

Kakashi stared at Sakura's alert face with relief, then collapsed on her neck as though his ab muscles had given out.

"Sensei?" Sakura gasped.

"I can never lose anyone I love again," Kakashi whispered by way of explanation. "Especially not you."

* * *

_That told me nothing,_ Sakura griped to Yukari as she returned to the Hatakes' bedroom.

_He loves you._

_I know THAT, he's married to me,_ she replied surlily, slipping out of bed. During the flashback Kakashi had disappeared, but she hadn't let her various husbands' comings and goings bother her so far. Figuring she'd catch up with him later, she put on some clothes and headed for the bathroom that adjoined the bedroom.

However, the bathroom was already occupied. Kakashi was standing over the sink, his back to her, splashing water on his face. On the counter next to him, beside the toothpaste, sat his headband and mask.

"Oh, sorry," she squeaked, preparing to leave, but Kakashi turned around too fast for her.

It was the first time she had ever seen him with his face completely uncovered, and her immediate impression was of how damn hot he was. She was caught in his mismatched gaze like a deer in headlights. And suddenly, just because he would never find out in real life, just because she wanted to see what it was like, Sakura wanted to kiss him. He smiled at her, and she leaned in, butterflies in her stomach. Angry butterflies.

Very angry butterflies. Before their lips could touch, she realized that something was wrong, and threw herself in front of the toilet so she could vomit.

_What's your problem?_ Yukari asked her. _I thought he was cute, not nauseating._

_I'm sick, that's the problem,_ Sakura snapped angrily. Some fortune this was.

Kakashi pulled her hair out of her way. "Are you ok?"

Sakura took a few deep breaths. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just feeling a little under the weather."

"It happens. Are you up for breakfast?"

Sakura shook her head, then thought about it. "Um... do we have any Cheetos?"

"That's not very healthy."

"I know... but I need Cheetos. And strawberries. Cheetos and strawberries."

Kakashi blinked. "I'll run to the store." He reached for his mask. The handsome hidden Kakashi going, going,

"Gone," Sakura sighed, reaching for a Dixie cup so she could have some water. Oh well, she had all day. There would be another opportunity.

By the time Kakashi returned with the food, she had gotten over her bout of sickness and was actually rather ravenous. She practically bowled her husband over trying to reach the Cheetos.

"Oh glorious, glorious fake cheesy goodness," she whispered, in ecstasy. "Thank you, Sense— Kakashi."

He nuzzled her cheek in return. "Of course, Sakura. Anything you want, just ask."

_Wow, that's more romantic than I pictured him,_ Sakura thought.

_Eh, guys get like that when their wives are... sick._

_I feel better now, though._

Yukari laughed nervously. _Yeah, that's good... how are the Cheetos?_

_Heavenly._

"So, Sakura," Kakashi sat down across from her. "Today I'm supposed to take Naruto and Sasuke training."

"All right, let's go!" Sakura said. "Not sure that I'll be able to do much... I'm having kind of an off day, I think."

"I understand. You can just hang out."

* * *

"There's the happy couple!" Naruto exclaimed as Sakura and Kakashi appeared on the bridge. "Took you long enough!"

"I thought marrying Sakura would force you to be on time more often, Kakashi, but clearly the opposite is true," Sasuke drawled. Sakura noticed how hot they had become, and quickly squashed the feeling, reminding herself that she would surely end up married to them at a future date, probably in the next few days, and her current mission was to kiss Kakashi.

"Well, now he's probably busier than ever at home," Naruto said with a crude wink. "If you get what I'm saying."

Sakura brained him. "You pervert! Keep your comments to yourself!"

"OW! Hey, don't think you can just beat on me because you're doing special training sessions with Sensei!"

"Sakura," Kakashi chided, pushing her away from her teammate gently.

"But, Kakashi, he was—," she sputtered, bright red and burning with rage. Kakashi smiled.

"And Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

Kakashi smacked him upside the head. "Keep your comments to yourself!"

Sakura and Sasuke laughed, and Kakashi nuzzled Sakura.

"You training today, Sakura?" Sasuke asked as they walked along.

"No, she's going to sit this one out," Kakashi spoke for her.

Sakura sighed. She didn't like hanging around and being lazy while the others were working so hard. "I might join in for a little while," she shrugged.

Sasuke bit his lip. "Well, if you're sure... don't push yourself, though. Wouldn't want anything to happen to the baby."

The three men kept walking as though Sasuke had made a comment on the weather, but Sakura was stopped in her tracks. _The baby? The baby. The BABY?! Yukari?_

_Yes?_

_Am I knocked up?_

_Sure seems like it._

"Oh..." Sakura realized she had fallen behind and began moving again. _My teacher got me pregnant... I'm not sure I want to think about that..._

_Well, he is your husband,_

_But... pregnant?_

_It's one day, I'm sure you'll be fine._

Sakura tried to glare, but couldn't see Yukari to glare at.

* * *

The rest of the team was doing a survival exercise, which was another way of saying "playing hide-and-seek in the woods". Sakura decided she was a little old for this kind of immature training, and left the boys to it, grateful for the excuse to sit out on their games.

She chose an out-of-the-way tree to sit underneath and hung out there, enjoying the day, sharpening some of her weapons on a rock, talking to Yukari about whatever was going through her head, mostly the pros and cons of each of her husbands so far. She even found herself thinking about the baby.

"I've always liked the name Rin..." she told Yukari. "If it's a girl, I might name it that."

_Rin is kind of cute,_ Yukari agreed

After a while, Sakura reached into her butt-pouch and found a book. _Itcha Itcha Violence..._ she thought dryly. _Why do I have this?_

_Maybe your husband slipped it in there? Maybe he's trying to tell you that he—_

_Don't finish that thought,_ Sakura interrupted. She lay the book to the side, but didn't take her hand off of it. _I AM over eighteen now... Can't hurt to take a little peek..._

_Please don't, I was joking..._ Yukari said. Sakura picked up the book and scanned the first page.

_Whoa. Interesting read._

She was deeply immersed in the second chapter when Kakashi appeared beside her. "Hello, dearest," he laughed, nuzzling her. "What are you reading?"

Sakura grinned. "A very interesting little novel. You can borrow it sometime if you want," she laughed, throwing her arms around his neck. _All right, Yukari, it's kiss or bust! _"Where are Naruto and Sasuke? Shouldn't you be hiding from them?"

"Oh, they won't find me for a while. I've thrown them too far off the trail."

"So, we're all alone?" she asked teasingly, her hands slipping up his neck and unknotting the tie to his mask.

"All alone," he confirmed, leaning closer to her, his arms pushing against the tree roots on either side of her. Sakura puckered her lips as his mask fell off.

"AH!" she shrieked, pulling back. This was not handsome mouth she had been thinking about since that morning. Kakashi's lips were huge, red... _fish lips_!

"Psych!" Kakashi laughed, turning into Naruto with a puff of smoke.

"You little--!" Sakura tried to hit him, but her arms and legs had been pinned to the ground by Naruto and Sasuke.

"See, Sasuke, I told you I could get her," Naruto laughed.

Sasuke pulled her to her feet, taking care not to give her the chance to escape. "Good job, Naruto, much as I hate to say it."

"What are you idiots doing?" Sakura asked, struggling. The boys laughed.

"Calm down, Sakura-chan. We won't hurt you... unless your man doesn't show."

"KAKASHI!" Sasuke yelled to the forest, pulling Sakura in front of him so that anyone looking at him could see her. "We have your wife and a water balloon! You guess what's going to happen next!"

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Sakura yelled as Naruto pulled out the threatened water balloon and held it back as if about to throw it at her. "You scoundrels!"

"Show yourself, Kakashi!" Sasuke yelled. "We're not messing around here!"

Sakura laughed a little at the melodrama of the situation. She loved her team so much... she should have known that marrying Kakashi wouldn't change a thing about them. "No, Kakashi!" she yelled. "I'm not worth it! Save yourself!"

"What are your demands?" Kakashi's voice echoed around the clearing.

"Surrender!" Sasuke said. "And treat us to dinner!"

"Kakashi, no!" Sakura gasped. Naruto mock-hit her.

"Silence!"

"Sakura!" Kakashi yelled. It was becoming more and more obvious where the voice was coming from. Another word, and they would know his location.

A little glint came into Sakura's eye, unnoticed by Sasuke and Naruto, who were watching for Kakashi. With a graceful spin, she freed herself from Sasuke's grasp and twisted his arm until he was forced to kneel, then threw one of the needles she had been sharpening at Naruto, bursting his balloon and soaking him. She put one foot against Sasuke's back, keeping him where he was, as Kakashi leapt from his hiding place to capture Naruto.

"Good work, dear," she smiled.

Kakashi's eyes crinkled in the Kakashi-smile. "You too, darling. You know, Sakura, I think I know two young men who owe us dinner."

"Aw, man, and pregnant women eat a bunch, too," Naruto groaned. Kakashi twisted his arm harder.

* * *

_A surprisingly good day,_ Sakura sighed happily to Yukari as she and Kakashi returned home from dinner.

_Even if you didn't get to kiss him..._

_Oh, that's right!_

Sakura walked into the bedroom, where Kakashi was getting ready to take a shower. This does not mean he was naked, it means he was wearing a bathrobe, as well as his face mask.

"You're all sweaty, aren't you?" Sakura asked.

"Well, not that Naruto and Sasuke are capable of making me break a sweat... unless they start threatening someone I care about with certain drenching."

"I bet that mask is filthy. Take it off, it needs to go in the wash."

"Take it off?" Kakashi asked. Sakura stepped towards him.

"Yes, take it all off," she said, pulling off the mask the way she had with the phony Naruto-Kakashi. "There, that's better."

Kakashi smiled, and Sakura's heart leapt a little. He was such a bishie! How could she not have noticed before? "I've been waiting all day to do this," she whispered. She had meant to say it only to Yukari, but it came out. Fortunately, this mistake only speeded up the process. And Sakura got that kiss from her oh-so-very-sexy-(who'd've-thought?) sensei.

"I'm about to take a shower... want to join me?" Kakashi asked as they were making out, kissing her again before she could answer.

"Um..." Sakura stuttered.

_Sorry, sir, she'll have to do that some other time,_ Yukari butted in. _You see, her day here is up._

And so it was. Sakura sighed, but cheered up quickly and braced herself for Husband Number Six.


	7. Mrs Sakura Maito

The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura M_a_ito

Update: OK! I changed it from Mito to M_a_ito!

A/N: Well, here it is, the chapter you've all been waiting for! No, I don't have an excuse for the delay.

I would like to stress that this is NOT a real pairing that does NOT have a fanbase (this means that I actually get to make fun of a pairing without offending any crazies!) It was suggested by my friend NekoRaven, and I told her I would leave it in, just for her. XD (EDIT: Ok, so some people DO ship this, but they're much more easy-going than certain other ships I could name.)

PS: list is still on my profile, and Hidan is now on it. Special thanks to all who wrote in on his behalf.

* * *

Sakura was in a good mood as she found herself in the next bedroom of her next future. She remembered with a laugh her violent reaction to finding herself next to her teacher the previous morning. Who would have thought he could be so sweet?

_See, this is a valuable learning experience,_ Yukari told her.

_Yeah, yeah,_ Sakura thought back complacently. She listened to the sounds of the birds chirping, the cool rustle of the morning breeze,

"WAKE UP, MY YOUTHFUL LITTLE FLOWER!" boomed a man she took for her husband, as he yanked the blankets off of her. Sakura curled up like a shrimp as cold air rushed over her; they had apparently spent the night under the stars._ Please let this be Lee, please let this be Lee,_ she begged over and over, too horrified by the alternative to think of it.

"STUDENTS! RISE AND SHINE!" the green blur who had awakened her continued to boom, ripping the sheets off of three unfortunate lumps.

"Aye-aye, Gai-sensei!" one of the lumps shouted, sprouting enthusiastically into Rock Lee. The other two lumps groaned unhappily.

_Yukari, please please please for the love of God tell me that I'm married to Lee and we weren't sleeping together because we had a fight last night._

_Don't see anything about a Lee... name in the guidebook says M_a_ito Gai._

Just in case Sakura didn't believe her, Gai returned to her bedroll. "Going to sleep all day, snookums?"

_Snookums?_ Sakura gasped mentally.

Gai kissed her on the cheek.

"BLOODY MURDER!" screamed Sakura, shooting straight up in the air and running behind a tree.

_I could be wrong, but I think the term "screaming bloody murder" refers to screaming loudly in terror, not actually, saying "bloody murder",_ Yukari informed her.

Sakura peered out from behind her tree. Lee and Gai were starting a fire as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but Neji and Tenten were laughing.

"Don't look at me without makeup!" Neji mimicked shrilly. Tenten giggled.

"I HEARD THAT!" Sakura shouted.

"It's ok, Sakura-san, we love you, we don't care if you look like the crypt-keeper in the morning," Tenten yelled back. "Most of us are too tired to notice."

_Yukari,_ Sakura looked down at her outfit for the first time. With the others, she had woken up in pajamas, lingerie, or, once, naked (you figure out which one that was!). Today: Green spandex. _... what the HELL am I wearing?!_

_Something... unspeakable._

Sakura gritted her teeth and, certain no one could see her, made the Rock-Lee-Is-Determined hand sign. _This is karma, isn't it? I freak out because Deidara's evil, I get Kabuto. I freak because Kabuto's old, I get Kakashi. I freak because Kakashi's old, I get Gai. Well, I've learned my lesson. Gai is older and creepier than any I've had so far, but I won't complain. I'm going to break this curse._

In the campsite behind her, Gai set fire to his eyebrows, and Sakura ended up bandaging them up while Tenten cooked breakfast.

_Yukari, how did I end up married to this guy?_ Sakura asked as she colored the bandages over her husband's eyebrows black at his insistence ("so no one will notice").

_Well, he found out Kakashi was in love with you, and they're apparently rivals, so he decided to see if he could win your affection first._

Sakura stared at the black marker in her hand. _You have got to be kidding me._

"Perfect!" Gai exclaimed. With Gai, every sentence was an exclamation. "Thank you, Sakura!"

_I hope he doesn't try to kiss me. I am not kissing Gai,_ she thought, leaning away from him just in case. She didn't need to worry; Gai only jumped to his feet, pulling her up with him.

"Come, students! The morning is half-over! We need to continue our journey!"

Lee sprang up, ready to go, leaving his breakfast sitting on a log. The other two blinked, but didn't move.

"Gai-sensei," Tenten said gently, "Don't you think that you and Sakura should have breakfast before we start?"

So Sakura was allowed to eat that morning. "Thank you, Tenten."

Tenten smiled. "Of course. I know Gai-sensei can be a little... overbearing." She shuddered a little, and Sakura didn't blame her; the thought of being married to Gai was enough to make anyone shudder. _Not that I'm complaining!_

"And now, break camp!" Gai ordered. Sakura stared at her half-eaten breakfast, then over at Tenten, who shrugged at her.

* * *

A few minutes later, Sakura found herself running through the woods on a full stomach as fast as she could, and still being outstripped by all four of her companions. _Gai's a lot better at training than Kakashi..._ she thought. _These guys are fast..._

"Sakura-chan!" Lee called over his shoulder, "Are you ok?"

Sakura gritted her teeth. "Yeah, I'm fine... no..." she changed her mind as she doubled over. "I'm not... cramps..."

She could almost hear Team Gai screech to a halt as though somebody had slammed on the breaks.

"Here, Sakura," Gai helped her stand up and then bent over (which gave Sakura a view she did not need). "Climb on my back. I'll carry you!"

Sakura laughed as she accept the piggy-back ride.

"Hey, Ne-ji," she heard Lee say in a sing-song voice behind her.

"For the last time, Lee, NO!"

"Tenten?"

"Lee, I like you more as a casual acquaintance."

_I feel bad for Lee... I mean, he seems OK with me and Gai..._

_Why would he be OK with it? You're not even OK with it._

_I'm not complaining!_ Sakura thought quickly. _Not complaining at all! I like Gai! I LOVE Gai!_

_I don't know who you think you're fooling._

"Hold on tight, my flower," Gai suggested. They had just come to a miniature cliff, and it appeared that they were going to jump down it. As much as she didn't like to admit it, Sakura felt that Gai had given some very sound advice, and she tightened her grip around his shoulders. Gai jumped.

"Wee!" Sakura said in spite of herself. _Ok, this is more fun that I expected..._ "Say, Gai... where are we going, again?"

"We, Sakura, are going to the top of that mountain over there to spend the night!"

"...Why?"

"Because it's there!" Gai exclaimed, throwing open his arms, which almost knocked Sakura off his back.

At the foot of the mountain, Gai let Sakura off his back, which she understood, because even youthful beasts like Gai have trouble carrying grown women up mountains at the pace he was used to.

The problem was that he seemed to expect Sakura to surpass with everyone else, since she hadn't been expending any energy so far.

"Hurry, Sakura! I would hate for Kakashi to think that I've been letting his student slack off just because she's one foxy lady."

Sakura picked up her pace a little, panting something that would have come out, "Someone kill me, please" if she hadn't been so out of breath.

"I love having you around, Sakura... he never picks the steepest paths when you're here."

"_This_ isn't the steepest path?" Sakura gasped at Neji.

_Yukari? ... You said that this potion deals with people who like me in real life... so does that mean that Neji likes me in this reality, too, and he and I just didn't happen?_

_Yeah._

_Why didn't he try to call off the wedding? Maybe he did and I wouldn't listen! Do you think he and Lee are having their hearts broken just by my presence?_

_It's just a scenario, Sakura, try to calm down._

At the top of the mountain, Sakura collapsed face down on the rocks.

"Haha, Sakura," Tenten gasped, sitting down next to her. "You really are kind of a drama queen, aren't you? No wonder Sensei loves you so much... birds of a feather..."

"I'm still conscious, you know, Tenten," Sakura mumbled. "I can hear everything you're saying."

"I know. Come on, stand up. Just 'cause you're married doesn't mean you have to immediately fall out of shape."

"Wake up, Sakura!" Gai scooped her up again. Sakura had noticed that she had spent a lot of her life with Gai being picked up. "The day's not over yet," he reminded her, adding to this statement a small kiss.

_All right, just that once,_ Sakura told Yukari.

Lee burst into tears.

_Crap! I told you he was jealous!_ she thought guiltily, running over to him, "Lee,"

"Sakura-san, you and Gai-sensei," Lee sobbed.

"I know, I should never have-,"

"It's like my dream come true!" he continued.

"Come again?"

"My two favorite people in the whole world, in love and happy! How could any ninja hope for more from his two precious people?"

Sakura was both relieved and disappointed. More disappointed. But it figured. Lee was a little... different in his views on the world.

They had a quick camp-out style dinner, during which Sakura sat by Gai, because there didn't seem to be any remedy for it. Soon it was dark out, and Gai was once again pulling Sakura to her feet.

"Well, students, if you'll excuse us, there's something I want to show my wife," he told the other three, leading a very reluctant Sakura away.

_Whoa, wait, what's this he wants to show me? I don't need to be shown ANYTHING..._

"Aw..." she heard one of the young men sigh. "Sakura and Gai are so cute together."

Sakura turned her head around, comical anime tears in her eyes. "_Et tu_, Neji?"

* * *

The "something" that Gai wanted to show her turned out to be the stars, which was much, much better than what Sakura was expecting. You could see thousands of them, up on the mountain. Relatively, there was no difference between the mountain top and the forest when it came to star gazing, but they seemed closer up there anyway.

"It's beautiful..." she sighed. Gai kissed her.

_Ok, but that's the last time,_ Sakura told Yukari. Gai kissed her again. _Ok, that was the last,... no, _that_ was the last,_

_Sakura, just go with the flow, I don't care..._ Yukari sighed. _I'm hungry..._

Gai started to rub her shoulders, and Sakura reminded herself about her vow to break karma's curse and leaned against him.

"You're so... beautiful," he told her. Sakura didn't think karma was playing fair, but she was determined to give as good as she got. She smiled back at Gai and kissed him.

"And now!" Gai announced. He had dropped his voice for a while there, but he was back to his regular overzealous tones once more. "We make love!"

Sakura blinked in horror.

To find herself safe and no longer married to Gai.

_That was a close one..._

* * *

A/N: Sorry it's short... no wonder you don't see this couple often, they're awful to write for.

Next update should be sooner, as I have most of it planned.


	8. OroSaku

The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura:

OroSaku

A/N: This is the creepy molestation chapter (still rated T, don't worry). 'Cause I figure that OroSaku shippers probably prefer creepy. Also the Akatsuki/Sakura shippers, but I can't write the Akatsuki without bursting into laughter, so for all your creepy needs, this is the chapter to be at.

Goatis wins a Golden Cookie Award for being 100th review on the last chapter, making Gai/Saku my first single chapter to hit the hundred mark!

Lists are still on my profile. Jiraiya has been added thanks to OblivionRose, and Tobi has been added because he's a good (and popular) boy. Surigetsu is under consideration thanks to Truly Christine.

* * *

Sakura opened her eyes immediately upon waking up, eager to see if she had broken karma's curse. The room was dark, the walls and floor made from some dark stone, the furniture of some dark wood. The sheets on the bed were dark purple. Sakura shuddered for a moment, but cheered on remembering that a certain young man in particular was the type to decorate like this. She turned to the mound on the bed next to her, and smiled.

Sasuke's gorgeous, supermodel head was lying on the pillow next to her (attached to a body, of course), slumbering peacefully.

_Finally!_ Sakura thought, bending over and kissing him to wake him up. To her surprise, he kissed back. So he hadn't been asleep after all.

She sighed contentedly, pulling away slightly, and heard Sasuke "mmm". She kissed him again, so happy that her day with him was finally there. _The curse is broken!_

"That's not very faithful of you, Sakura," Sasuke said, a smile twitching on his lips. Sakura, still holding her head only inches above his, looked at him quizzically. His eyes shot open, revealing not the dark handsome orbs she was expecting, but yellow snake eyes.

_Oh, COME ON!_ Sakura yelped mentally, scrambling out of the bed as fast as she could as Sasuke ripped off his face to reveal he had secretly been Number One Public Enemy Orochimaru the whole time.

"You fall for that every time, you know that, Sakura?" he asked, laughing. Sakura tried to jump out of bed, but something caught her by the foot and tripped her. Still lying on the (also dark) carpet, she twisted around to free herself, and found that her ankle was chained to the bed.

"Oh come _on_," she whispered again, trying uselessly to yank the chain free.

"Come back to bed, sweetie," Orochimaru murmured. Sakura was deciding that Yukari was right, Karma was a huge bitch, and also that she wasn't going to waste any more precious time outwitting it, when she was yanked back onto the bed she had just tried to escape from.

_This is his tongue, isn't it?_ she thought, not happy, not wanting to know, but not at all surprised, either.

She was right, unfortunately; which she confirmed when he flicked the tip across her cheek. _Ehg... Well, it could be worse. I could be back on top of Old Smokey having sex with Gai._

Orochimaru wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him. _At least he's using his arms this time,_ Sakura thought.

"How's my Sakura-pet today?" he asked, rubbing his cheek along the back of her neck. Sakura shuddered a little at the nickname/physical contact combo.

"She needs a shower," she told him.

"Whatever you want," he said, although she detected a little disappointment in the purr. He reached over and grabbed a key off of the night stand; she noted that it had been placed on the far corner, out of her reach. _Am I here voluntarily or not? Wait, don't tell me, let me guess._

Having successfully ignored the unnecessary stroking while having her leg unchained, as well as the suggestions that he join her, Sakura made it to the shower and leaned against the back wall.

_Yukari, today is going to be a nightmare,_ she sighed, browsing the large selection of expensive hair-care products. _Yukari? ... Yukari!? YUKARI! Oh, God, something must have happened to her... what if the village was attacked? What if the tent burned down? What if I'm stuck in this reality forever? What if I try the conditioner with lavender oil?_

* * *

She may have been trapped in an unpleasant future with no help from the outside world, but Sakura's hair sure smelled nice when she emerged from the shower. She took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door a sliver.

"Where's your pet?"

Sakura glared through the small crack in the door. So, Kabuto was here. Of course, she didn't know what she had expected... but... he had seemed so sweet last time she saw him... it would be a shame if he killed any last chance he may have had with her because he did something stupid in this reality.

"She's taking a shower," Orochimaru sighed. "Kabuto-kun, I don't understand... why does she still hate me? She's been here over a year."

"It may have something to do with you kidnaping her and keeping her prisoner for over a year," Kabuto suggested as though this was just a thought, and probably not the actual cause.

"This is why you don't have a girlfriend," Orochimaru told him.

"I'm sure that she'll come around," Kabuto assured him. Sakura waited for him to leave before she made her appearance in the room.

"There's my pet," Orochimaru cooed. Sakura shuddered. She figured that she was going to spend a lot of her day shuddering. She wanted to complain to Yukari, but Yukari was nowhere to be found, so she gritted her teeth and sat down across the table from her creepy new husband. Breakfast had been delivered while she was in the shower, so she poured herself some tea and began putting jam on an English muffin, trying not to meet Orochimaru's eyes, which was difficult, as he was greedily watching every move she made. It made her very uncomfortable, to say the least, and she found that she wasn't that hungry.

"Have you decided to stop eating again, Sakura-pet?" he asked as she picked at her food. That tongue shot out again and brushed her cheek, and while she didn't shudder this time, whatever appetite she had had vanished. "You haven't tried to do that for a long time... Or do you want me to force-feed you again?"

Sakura had the distinct impression that the operation Orochimaru had in mind would be very unpleasant for her, and immediately bit a chunk out of her English muffin and swallowed it without wasting precious time chewing. Orochimaru smiled. "Much better."

So Sakura ate her breakfast, and was informed that it was time for their morning walk.

"You don't want to get out of shape, now, do you?" he purred, pulling her very gently to her feet and kissing her. He was probably aiming for her lips, but she turned her head a little, and he settled for the side of her mouth, which, so far as Sakura was concerned, was close enough.

She was expecting (not without reason) to be put on a leash of some sort for this outing, but much to her surprise she wasn't restrained at all.

_He's the one who needs the leash, anyway,_ she thought, watching her husband skip along ahead of her. She wished he wouldn't go so far... it was the middle of winter, and the wasteland his hideout was located in didn't offer much shelter from the elements, just some boulders here and there. She thought about making a run for it while he was ahead of her, but she figured that she wouldn't get far in this weather.

"Sakura, Sakura, come here," he called quietly, holding a finger to his lips so she would be quiet. With not much else to do, Sakura walked over obediently, and her husband (she assumed; were they really married? _Uh? Yukari?_) wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pointed to a crevice in the large rock they were standing next to. "Do you see them?"

Sakura stared for a moment before she noticed the birds nest tucked into the rock. In fact, it took her until a bird landed on it and began to feed its babies.

"They're odd birds," Orochimaru said, almost to himself. "They lay their eggs in the winter... which is probably why they're so rare."

"Hmm," Sakura said. "They're pretty." She winced as soon as she said it. _He's going to kill them, isn't he?_ Deidara, combined with vampire/evil being stereotypes, had taught her exactly what to expect from villains in love.

But he wasn't planning any destruction of endangered species... at least, not right then. He rested the back of his hand against her cheek for a moment, watching her oddly. Sakura may have been able to place his expression, but she was determinedly keeping her eyes on the birds.

"You're cold... let's go back inside."

* * *

And so Sakura let herself be lead back inside to the room she had woken up in. She sighed, happy to be back in the relatively-warm room but unhappy to be trapped once more.

"We shouldn't have stayed out so long... your lips are blue," Orochimaru said, slightly amused at this for some reason. "Let me warm you up," he suggested... well, suggestively, advancing on her. Sakura's escape was blocked; too far backwards and she'd be on the bed, which seemed counter-productive in her escape plan, so she had no choice but to let him embrace her, run his hands along her body...

"I'm warm enough, thanks," she said nervously, trying to twist away from him. "No, really, thanks, but,"

Someone knocked timidly on the door, and Orochimaru, scowling evilly at being interrupted, went to answer the unfortunate messenger. Sakura shuddered once again and sat down on the bed, listening to Orochimaru growl irately at whoever had intruded on his time with her. She also heard a couple of screams of pain, and a few moments later her latest admirer returned, wiping some blood off of his hands. He chuckled when he saw her on the bed.

"I'm very sorry, Sakura-pet, but I can't play with you right now, I'm afraid." Sakura immediately tried to stand up, but he was entirely too close for that; the last thing she wanted was him thinking that she was coming onto him. He cupped her chin in his hand, leaving a bloody hand-print on her face, she had no doubt. "I'll be back to play with you later. Be a good pet until I get back, ok?"

Sakura gulped, which only made him smile fondly and blow her a kiss before leaving. She heard the door lock behind him.

Sakura washed the blood off her face and set about casing the joint. The joint consisted of the bathroom, a walk-in closet, and the bedroom, which also contained a table (where she had eaten breakfast) and a small bookshelf, which she assumed was how she usually passed her time as a prisoner in this reality. This didn't seem tempting today, however, and she decided that she might as well try to escape.

She took a pink robe too large to be hers off one of the hangers in the closet and bent it to use as a make-shift lock-pick.

She only had about an inch of so of hanger on her side of the door, and was on her knees trying to manipulate it, or pull some of the wire back in, when she heard someone humming on the other side of the door. Getting the hanger back onto her room became even more important.

"And of course I have to clean up what's left of his hand, like it was my fault the idiot interrupted Orochimaru-sama," the man on the other side of the door complained. "Hmm... this is interesting..."

Sakura felt a tug on her wire and tugged back.

"Sakura?" the man asked. "What are you doing in there?"

"Umm... nothing, Kabuto, just..." Sakura had a flash. Yukari had said that all of these men loved her in real life.

"Where you trying to escape again?" Kabuto asked with a sort-of mock sternness. "Come on, now, Sakura, you know this hanger isn't going to get you anywhere."

Sakura faked a sob. "Please, Kabuto-kun," she whimpered, "I can't stay here any longer..."

"Don't be so melodramatic."

"Help me, please..." Sakura put all of her damsel-in-distress power into her voice. "You have the key, don't you? You can get me out..."

"We've had this conversation before, Sakura. I'm sorry you're unhappy, but I'm not going to let you out without my master's permission."

"I know you like me," she whispered. "How can you let him do this to me?"

"Do what?"

"You know damn well what! Unlock the door, that's all I want..."

Kabuto laughed. "Sakura, Sakura, Sakura... Of course I like you. You're a very interesting person. But I also don't want to see Orochimaru-sama upset."

"Coward."

"Not at all. I just like how happy he is with his little Sakura pet," Kabuto explained, reminding Sakura uncannily, and uncomfortably, of Lee's reaction to her and Gai.

"You're evil, you know that?" she snapped, seeing this conversation wasn't going anywhere.

"Thank you, I try. Now, do you want me to bring you anything?"

"A key. Haven't you been listening?"

A key slid under the door. Sakura picked it up, hardly daring to believe it.

"There, Sakura. Next time you're near Juugo's cell you can unlock him. Anything else I can get you?"

"You can't see me through the door, but I'm glaring at you."

"You can't see me through the door, but I'm blowing a kiss at you. You won't tell your husband, now, will you?"

"I ought to," Sakura muttered sullenly. "And you ought to watch what you say to me, or you'll go too far and I'll never marry you no matter what you redeeming stunt you might pull," she added.

"But, Sakura, you're already married to my master, so it's a moot point."

"Only in this reality," she said to herself.

Theoretically, Kabuto cleaned up the blood he had been sent for and left, so Sakura tried the key he had given her, just for kicks. But he had been telling the truth; she didn't know who Juugo was, but it wasn't the key to her room, so it must have been the one to his. She hoped he wasn't expecting to be set free any time soon.

So Sakura went back to her hanger, and then to the bathroom. She couldn't find any bobby pins, but she did decide to grease the lock a little with some shampoo, and lo and behold, this worked. She wasn't sure she could tell you why, and she wasn't sure why Mrs. Sakura Orochimaru hadn't thought of it before, but there she was.

Of course, she was no better at finding her way this time than she had been back when she was married to Kabuto, but she had the advantage of not being on the run for her life, so when she realized she was hopelessly, hopelessly lost, she didn't panic. She instead stopped when she found the kitchen, which was large and eerily abandoned, and started making the one recipe she knew could really help her out; her rice balls.

"Cooking is so fun, cooking is so fun. Now it's time to take a break and see what we have done!" Sakura hummed to herself.

"Kabuto-kun, does it smell delicious in here to you?" she heard Orochimaru ask. That's right, her two most favoritest people!

"I don't smell anything..."

"Hmm... your loss. So, any word on Sasuke?"

"I've got all our spies on the watch for him. I'm sure we will find him, and then-,"

_Come on, Kabuto,_ Sakura thought angrily, _Don't say something stupid to make me hate you forever, you're still in the running... before Deidara, anyway... I hate to see you shoot yourself in the foot like this, even if you are an ass,_

"You really think Sakura will be more... responsive if I have Sasuke's body?" Orochimaru asked, musing on this idea.

"Are you kidding, sir? You two will be making little baby Uchiha brats in no time... she's far too shallow to care who you are, as long as you look like Sasuke."

Sakura winced. _Can't say I didn't see that coming. Deidara officially jumped up a place._

The timer on the oven buzzed. Sakura shut it off as quickly as she could before turning off the heat on her creation, but it was too late.

"Who's–," Orochimaru smiled when he saw her. "Sakura-pet? What are you doing out?"

Sakura gulped and snatched up the plate, holding it out in front of her like an offering. "Um... Making rice balls?"

Orochimaru looked blankly at her, then smiled. "You're so cute," he decided.

"Would you like one?" she offered.

"I fell in love with you over these rice balls, did you know that?" Orochimaru informed her, much to her horror, delicately lifting one off the plate.

Sakura shuddered. "I should never have learned to make them..."

"Don't be silly... if you didn't want to stay, why didn't you escape once you got out of the room?"

He had her. "Because... I ... was hungry?" she guessed. This was, in her view, the wrong answer, because he took the plate out of her hands and wrapped his arms around her, pinning her hands to her sides.

"Poor Sakura... I forgot to feed you today, didn't I? You haven't eaten since breakfast," _At least he sounds a little remorseful_, Sakura thought. "I haven't been taking very good care of my little pet, have I? But you still shouldn't try to run away. I told you to behave while I was away."

He sounded a little angry. Sakura thought quick and pressed herself against his chest. "I wouldn't have gone very far..." she whispered. "I'm sorry."

This defused any tension. Orochimaru laughed softly and held her more tightly. _Maybe I should have just let him tear me to pieces,_ Sakura thought, but she couldn't help relaxing a little; for an evil psycho-killer bent on destroying her village, Orochimaru had a very comforting hug.

"Don't be sorry, Sakura-pet. It was my fault. You deserve more attention..." he said, bending to kiss her neck. Sakura shuddered. "Much more attention. In fact, why don't we head back to our room and I can make up for that neglect?"

Sakura shuddered and waited for her day to be up.

* * *

It wasn't until Orochimaru, still keeping her clamped to his side with one arm, turned the shampoo-covered doorknob that Sakura realized that her day was far from over. And when he started unraveling her clothes, she knew it was all up to her.

"Wait!" she interjected, pulling her bra-strap back into place before zipping up her shirt. "I just want to... talk... to you for a while. I feel like we spend so much time together, but I never really got to know you..." The Damsel-in-Distress voice was replaced by the Convincing-Seductive-Female-Spy persona. "Tell me a little about yourself..."

Orochimaru smiled at her and sat down on the bed, pulling her onto his lap. Sakura sighed mentally with relief; just as she had hoped, he thought he had all the time in the world, and she just needed to keep him busy until her day was up. (She refused to entertain the possibility that with Yukari gone, her day would never end.) "What should I tell you, then?" he purred, stroking her arms. Sakura had decided that "pet" was a perfectly good description of her role in the reality.

"Tell me..." she cast around for a good topic, "am I the only one you've ever loved?"

"No..." Orochimaru sighed. Sakura waited. She really hoped this wouldn't turn into a conversation like the ones she had with Gaara; she didn't think she could keep him going that long on monosyllable answers. Fortunately, he began to elaborate. "A very very long time ago I had a crush on the girl in my squad..."

"Tsu–," the syllable slipped out of Sakura's mouth before she could think. She hadn't been expecting him to say that!

He chuckled. "Yes, the one and only... In many ways you remind me of her... but that was a long time ago, like I said. And she was less than tactful in turning me down... nothing like you, my pet."

_Yeah, well, she had more of a choice_, Sakura muttered to herself as Orochimaru rubbed his cheek against hers.

"Why me?" she asked. "Because of the rice balls, or because of her?"

"While Sasuke-kun was here, all he talked about was you and the fox boy... and Itachi, but you most. Never on purpose. It would always be, 'that reminds me of something Sakura used to say' or 'once Naruto said that to Sakura, and she hit him so hard his eyes turned to spirals'. He was so obsessed with the two of you, without realizing it... I simply had to see what all the fuss was about. And once I saw you, I understood."

"Where do the rice balls play into all this?" Sakura asked. She was in a quandary; Sasuke clearly thought about her, but look at the price of all her successful flirting! And now he was slowly pulling off her clothes a little at a time when he thought she wasn't paying attention. Thank you, Sasuke.

"Oh, Sakura, it's simple. Ever since the young woman I mentioned earlier, I've been wary of handing my heart," _Such as it is, _Sakura thought sarcastically, "out to anyone, no matter how perfect she may be... but those rice balls..." Orochimaru gave a little sigh of pleasure at the thought of Sakura's Amazing Rice Balls, "Those are worth risking heartbreak for."

"I'm flattered," Sakura started to say, but Orochimaru, having talked enough, flipped her onto the bed and kissed her.

_Oh crap, what now?_ Sakura thought to herself. But this time her timing didn't abandon her, and the reality faded away before she had time to think of another diversion.

* * *

A/N: A little OroTsu... couldn't help myself.


	9. Mrs Sakura Uchiha

The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura Uchiha

You've all asked for it and asked for it. Well, here it is.

A/N: I have to give you another rant. I'm really sorry, I know I'm being a bitch.

All right, as some of you may have heard, there is a story circulating in the Prince of Tennis fandom called Mrs Sakuno's Fortune by Sakutama. She DOES have my permission to use the idea, however, she asked with a different penname, which, as you can imagine, caused some confusion and has me worried about other potential fic-swipers. Thank you for everybody who brought this fic to my attention, and I apologize to Sakutama. My bad.

Now, I support borrowing ideas. The idea of marrying off a popular character to everybody in a fandom actually belongs to The Amazing Goddess of Zelda, GalaxyGirl. However, I have never claimed to have thought this up, also I felt that I changed the plot and circumstances enough to constitute an original story.

So, if you would like to use a few one-liners, basic plots, or anything minor in one of my stories, that's fine, and go ahead. Power to you!

HOWEVER: If you would like to use one of my OC's, or a title, or obviously base a story off one of mine, I would ask that you write me a quick PM, or whatever, just as a heads up, and maybe give me a small credit at the beginning, so that other readers don't think you're plagiarizing. **Please send the PM under the penname you are going to post the story on. **I'm sorry, but that's just common sense. If you post under a different name, you risk me or someone else reporting you on accident, and they WILL ban your account.

ALSO: Please, if you like a story of mine enough to borrow it, no matter how minor, you like it enough to support my work. You can take a little time to review or fave. It doesn't take long to write a little note or let others know you enjoyed my story, and I appreciate it. People look at reviews and your favorites list, so you're helping me out more than you realize.

If you see a story that you think might be stolen from me, please, don't hesitate to tell me. I'll check it out and decide what to do. Please, don't be rude to the author; it could be simple coincidence.

I'm sorry for being so tight-assed about this, but fanfic theft does happen. I know somebody who had one of her stories copied almost word-for-word, and the stolen fic won an award before it was taken down. I work hard to make my stories different from the average fanfiction out there, and I don't want to see others taking credit for my ideas.

* * *

_So, what'd I miss?_

Sakura twitched violently as Yukari's voice filled her brain. _What did you miss? WHAT DID YOU MISS? You missed an entire day!_

_Aw, too bad. So, how was it?_

_Aside from being kept prisoner, yanked around by a __**tongue**__, and almost raped? Fine. Just fine._

_Oh... that bad, huh?_

_Yeah. That bad. Where the hell were you?_

_I left to get a snack._

Sakura growled to herself, but didn't reply. She realized that she was neglecting her new day. She didn't want to open her eyes, but after Orochimaru and Gai, she knew she had better be on the alert.

_Little Debbie Swiss Rolls are sooo good,_ Yukari sighed. Sakura could hear her munching contentedly.

Someone was holding his arm around her, stroking her neck, her arm, her breasts... Sakura gulped. A horrible thought occurred to her: What if her day with Orochimaru wasn't up yet? And even if it was, what if she was still in the same general situation? She began to struggle, thrashing and trying to get free of the arms that were encircling her, holding her against her new husband's chest.

"Shh, shh. Sakura, wake up," he whispered comfortingly. Sakura opened her eyes, and immediately calmed down. Not Orochimaru; not anyone equally scary.

"You were having a nightmare again," he explained coolly. Sakura smiled up at him, recognizing the red eyes, the dark hair, the handsome features of her teammate. She was so relieved after... well, after everybody, but especially her last... erm, husband, that she could have cried. But instead she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a kiss.

_Sakura, I've got tell you,_ Yukari said guiltily, _That's not Sasuke._

_I know, I know, it's his brother,_ Sakura shrugged,_ but you weren't here for the last guy, you have NO IDEA how much of a step up Itachi is for me._

She kicked her legs under the blankets experimentally. No chains. She was free, she was happy, he was in love with her (...Right?), everything was good today.

"Nightmares certainly wake you up in the right mood, I see," Itachi remarked dryly, kissing her as he pushed her back against the pillows. Sakura grabbed at his long hair, pulling him closer. _Yukari, he's sooo hawt!_

_You're kinda shallow, ain't cha?_

_You weren't here for the last guy,_ was all Sakura would reply.

"Sakura, I love you," Itachi whispered into the side of her neck. Sakura smiled. "I wish I could just stay here, with you, all day... forever."

Sakura froze as he kissed her. She could see his black Akatsuki cloak hanging on the bedpost, and she remembered Deidara. Oh, boy, did she remember Deidara. _I don't wanna die, Yukari! I'll end up with some other freak, like... like Ebisu or Shikamaru's father or something! __I want Itachi to leave me alive long enough to enjoy his bishiness!_

_All I can tell you is enjoy the bishiness while you have it._

Sakura began to kiss back furiously. Itachi let out a very quiet laugh and pushed her away slightly. "I think I need some coffee before we can go that far this early. And I don't want to leave you for a minute, even for caffeine."

Sakura smiled back and let him press her to his chest, kiss her, and just generally be a much more cuddly, loving person than she really expected from a man who murdered an entire clan in one night.

"I never want to leave this room," Itachi told her. "I'm only happy when I'm in bed next to you."

Sakura blushed happily, and Itachi kissed her once again, just as the door swung open, and the blue, gilled man from her day... er, hour with Deidara walked in without apology. Itachi dropped her like she had ceased to exist and immediately turned to the intruder, calmly pulling on his cloak, his face impassive.

"Morning, Itachi... Sakura-san," the blue guy greeted, smiling wryly, as if to say he knew what they were doing. "Hope I'm not interrupting?"

Sakura blushed and pulled a bed sheet over herself to hide the fact that her camisole was not entirely on, but Itachi simply blinked at him as though he had no idea what he was talking about and wasn't going to dignify his nonsense with a reply.

"What do you want, Kisame?"

"We're supposed to be meeting with the Leader." (Something about the way he said "leader" made Sakura think Capital L). " Actually, we were supposed to be meeting with him about half an hour ago."

"Then why didn't you wake me up half an hour ago?" Itachi asked, mild annoyance in his voice.

"Because I was asleep. It's 9 in the fugging morning. Why don't you wake yourself up? Or were you already awake?" Kisame winked at Sakura, who grinned. Itachi's facial expression didn't change at all.

"We've wasted enough time. Let's go," Itachi said, sweeping out of the bedroom without a glance at Sakura. Kisame rolled his eyes and winked at her once more before following his partner outside.

_Hey! What happened to all that romantic wanting to stay by me crap?_

_I'm afraid to say, Sakura, that some men will say anything to have a hot make out session __with an attractive woman._

_I demand a flashback!_

Yukari obliged, and she and Sakura appeared in a dark cave of shadowy figures.

"There's no need to refer to Deidara-kun's art as past tense," one was saying. "I know of someone skilled enough to help us. She lives in my home village,"

Some of the figures started laughing. "We could never capture Tsunade, you crazy—,"

"No, not Tsunade-sama. Her apprentice, a young lady who is barely twenty, yet already rivals her master... Haruno Sakura."

Sakura was puzzled. "This seems familiar."

"That's because this is partly the same flashback that you had with Deidara-the-suicidal," Yukari explained.

"Oh," Sakura said as the scene changed.

Itachi, Kisame, and a large, bizarre wooden scorpion-human hybrid of a structure, which was twitching its tail impatiently, stood in a dim stone hallway.

"What the hell is it?" Yukari asked, carefully poking at the scorpion's back.

"I'll go talk to her," it growled just as Yukari made contact, making her jump back.

"Yeah, good luck," Kisame laughed. "I'm sure she's dying to help out the friend of the creepy puppet-man, shark dude, and ex-Uchiha who kidnaped her in the dead of the night."

"Well, she's not going to change her mind if I don't talk to her," the puppet answered, scuttling away. "And I'll be damned if we broke into Leaf just to keep her overnight and let her off with a warning."

"Take that thing off before you talk to her! You'll scare her half to death!" Kisame called after it. The puppet waved its tail as if to say, 'yeah, yeah.' Kisame rolled his eyes.

"It would be nice if she agrees to help Deidara," Itachi said simply.

"It would be _nice_?" Kisame laughed. "Are you serious? Why the hell else did we bring her out here, if not to—," he cut off with a gasp. "Ooh, I get it! You suggested _her_ for a reason, didn't you?"

"She's the best there is," Itachi shrugged. "And Deidara needed someone skilled."

"That's not what I meant at all," Kisame laughed, draping one arm over Itachi's shoulder. Itachi stiffened at the friendly physical contact. "You like this girl, don't you?"

"Hn."

"You know, you're an attractive fellow, there are better ways to get her attention."

"Deidara is right, we need a medic to reach our full potential."

"That's entirely changing the subject. What do you intend to do with her?"

Sakura thought about Orochimaru and gulped.

"I want her to fall in love with me. While she's fixing Deidara's arm will be a perfect opportunity."

"You're crazy, you know that? You can't plan out other people's reactions like this–," Itachi turned to Kisame, and even Sakura shuddered seeing his expression. It was like having ice water poured down your spine while running blind and naked through a snowstorm. Kisame froze solid, a comparison not helped by his skin color.

"Kisame," Itachi sighed, and the ice melted. He transformed to someone not completely confident, not completely in control. It was... endearing. "I'm going blind. Every time I use these cursed eyes it eats away at my vision. You know that."

"Stop using them."

"And waste my ability? It is all that sets me apart. To stop using them would be to squander my gift. I will use them until I no longer can."

"And then what?"

"Exactly. A blind ninja is of no use to anyone. I will be forced to retire from Akatsuki... and I will be helpless and alone."

"Oh, now, we'll come and—," Kisame stopped. "Yeah, we'll miss you."

"That's why I need her. Someone who loves me, who will take care of me, someone I can hold. Someone I can start my life over with..."

Kisame's arm twitched, liked he wanted to hug Itachi, but he quickly quenched the urge. "She's cute. You've got good taste," he said instead, walking off.

"Hn."

* * *

_So, do you think he meant all that in a pragmatic, planned out way or in a romantic, head-over-heels way?_

_Hard to say... What difference does it make?_

_Well, if he just wanted a nurse, then anybody could have done and he doesn't really love me! And I need to find this out before I marry him in real life, right?_

_Yeah, I suppose._

_Well, I'd better get on it then, hadn't I?_ Sakura asked, hoping out of bed and proceeding to get dressed. She noticed with mild interest that her headband now had a slash through the middle, marking her as a Nukenin, but tied her hair back with it as though nothing was wrong.

A quick adventure getting lost in the small maze of Akatsuki bedrooms, and she had located a kitchen/dining room area, made some Celestial Seasonings for herself, and grabbed a donut out of an almost-empty box sitting on the counter.

"See, we saved a powdered one for you, we know those are your favorite, Sakura-sa-a-an," a familiar voice said in sing-song behind her just as she sat down. Sakura spun around, and there, facing her, were the flowing platinum blond hair, psychotic cornflower-blue eyes, and delicate features of her third husband. The crazy. Deidara.

Sakura gulped. "Th-thank you."

Deidara smiled, a little lopsidedly, like you would expect from a man capable of blowing up his beloved the day after their anniversary, and sat down next to her. He reached for her hand, and she quickly withdrew it... only to realize that he was actually reaching for her donut. He broke off a small piece and popped it into his hand-mouth in one simple motion. Sakura watched him uncertainly.

The hand spat out a powdered-donut bird, which hovered an inch off the table for a moment before he picked it up again and popped it into his mouth. "Thank you, Sakura-san. You're the best, yeah."

"I didn't say you could have that," she muttered, sipping her tea. Deidara grinned even more broadly and pressed his hand against her cheek quickly. Sakura felt it peck her on the cheek right before she threw the contents of her tea cup on him, startled into a reaction by the fear he was trying to blow her up again. Fortunately for the artist, the Akatsuki layer was poorly heated, and the tea was only luke-warm.

Deidara laughed. "You're so cute, Sakura-san. Every time I go into battle I hope I get hurt so you can be my nurse again, yeah."

"Baka, don't say things like that!" someone else admonished him, "I don't want to fight next to an idiot like you." Sakura turned around, wishing she had picked a seat where she could see the doorway. She briefly caught sight of a red-haired young man in the hallway before Deidara stood up, blocking her vision.

"Oh, don't be so protective of yourself, Sasori-danna. There's more to life than making it last as long as possible, yeah. Art is—,"

"Oh, shut up. Anyway, whatever you let some stupid enemy do to you is NOTHING compared to what Itachi'll do if you start playing nurse with his wife." A chakra thread zoomed above Sakura's head and attached itself to a donut. "I'm going back to bed. Don't blow anything up while I'm sleeping."

_Says here Sasori's not a morning person,_ Yukari said.

_Ya think?_ Sakura thought as she ducked to avoid the donut flying over her head and to Sasori.

"Deidara, why are you dripping?"

Sakura turned around again to see Itachi staring coldly around the room. Kisame was with him; Sakura actually thought their apparent inseparability was amusing; they seemed pretty opposite. And indeed, Kisame ruffled her hair as he walked by to get a donut, whereas Itachi barely glanced at her.

"I'm covered in tea," Deidara said with a grin. "It's part of my on-going rehab to get my arm in working order, yeah."

"You lost your arm over a year ago," Itachi said flatly. "And what does that have to do with tea?"

"I dunno, but Sakura chucked it at me, and we all know Sakura-san doesn't do things randomly, so there must be a good medical reason."

Sakura grinned at Itachi and tried to catch his eye. He didn't even glance at her. She cleared her throat. "Of course I had a good reason; he stole my donut."

Kisame laughed. Itachi came out of his shell enough to blink at her.

_Not to be dissin' your man, but-,_

_Yukari, I'm trying to decide if he does the whole "human emotion" thing right now, I'll tell you as soon as I've got an answer,_ Sakura snapped back, a little peeved at the reaction she was getting from Itachi. "And he told me that you guys went through all the trouble of saving my favorite kind for me and everything," she said, making sure to lay on the flirty as heavy as she could.

"I'll have to take a rain-check on the reward, Sakura," Kisame said, waving his donut as he walked out the door. "I've got the tub booked."

_The Akatsuki's pretty big,_ Yukari explained, _so they have to schedule who gets the bathtub._

"Deidara," Itachi said, completely ignoring Sakura advancing on him slinkily. "You're getting tea all over the floor. Go change and then clean this up."

Deidara rolled his eyes and muttered something as Sakura laid a hand on Itachi's shoulder.

"Care to repeat that?" Itachi said calmly, ignoring the contact with Sakura. He was a little frightening (she supposed it was his intent), and she withdrew her hand as a reflex. Deidara growled and walked away, grudgingly admitting the winner of the power struggle.

Sakura was left alone with the slightly-scary Itachi who was capable of clearing the room of sullen, tea-stained Akatsuki members with a mere glance. She was thinking about making an exit, herself, when he turned to her suddenly, smiling gently.

It surprised her. A moment ago she had been scared to death of him, but the man standing in front of her wasn't scary at all. In fact, he hardly looked capable of being scary. He looked sweet. She couldn't remember _Sasuke_ ever looking so kind.

Sakura had removed her hand from his shoulder, but hadn't yet lowered it, and now Itachi grabbed it and pulled her close into a kiss. "Good morning, Sakura."

"Go— good morning," she squeaked, caught off guard by the sudden mood-swing.

"I love you."

"Hn..." Sakura said, not sure he was telling the truth, or that she wanted to commit to a reply until she was sure. Itachi, apparently being one of those people who found indifference endearing, kissed her once again.

"Don't ever leave me, Sakura, not for a moment... I miss you whenever I can't touch you."

"You were the one who left ME this morning, don't give me the sob story," Sakura said, annoyed by the cliche. Anybody being so cheesy had better be faking everything or nothing.

"And it ripped my heart out just to walk away," he said. Sakura rolled her eyes, but was quite willing to let him continue to caress her. After all, bad liar or not, Itachi was attractive, and she was by no means complaining about having a day with him; it was the long haul she was investigating.

_If you're that unsure about it, maybe you should just scratch him off the list and go on with enjoying your day,_ Yukari commented. _I mean, you have other options... even some who AREN'T crazy._

_Even some who are coming up..._ Sakura thought slyly. _Some who are just as attractive as Itachi... wink._ She grinned and decided to relax. Yukari was right. So, once she got back to the real world, she wouldn't be marrying the serial-killer Uchiha, that was over and done, time to use her hard-earned recreation time. She went limp in Itachi's arms, leaning back against their support, forcing him to lean in closer to her to close the gap between their lips. He bent forward to reach her, tasting her, desperate to be near her-,

"We need coffee."

"**Now.**"

Itachi let go of her abruptly, and Sakura lost her balance and fell backward onto the floor.

"OOF!"

"Oh, sorry, we hope we're not interrupting anything,"

"**But it's our caffeine time.**"

Sakura blinked. There was something peculiar about the way the two voices talked, like they were finishing the other's sentence, only not the way that he wanted it finished. Rubbing her tail bone, she stood up.

"It's the kitchen; nothing important goes on here. What could you be interrupting?" Itachi asked tonelessly, apparently not noticing his wife standing right next to him. Sakura wanted to hit him, but her attention was distracted by a large, bi-color man wrapped in a Venus fly trap. Itachi poured a cup of coffee from the machine next to him and slid it over to him.

"Thanks, Itachi, **we'll let you get back to your 'nothing important',"** the man said in two unnervingly-different voices, grabbing the coffee and leaving. Itachi immediately turned back to her, his face all tenderness and concern and love.

"Are you ok?"

"Not really," Sakura said angrily. "You know, 'nothing important' pretty much sums up what I am, doesn't it?"

"What? No, you're more important than anything–,"

"Anything obviously doesn't stretch to include your image with the other guys, does it?" Sakura snapped. "I mean, I understand not wanting to make out in front of them, but I don't stop existing the minute one of them walks into the room!"

"Sakura, you know I love you."

"Yet you're apparently ashamed to be associated with me. I'm your WIFE! They know you care about me! They know what we do! Why do you try so hard to distance yourself from me?"

Itachi shrugged at her, a little annoyed. "You shouldn't be so sensitive to things like this. It's simply the way that they are."

"You just dropped me on a tile floor because a plant man wanted coffee! Can't you understand why I'm upset?"

"Of course, but be reasonable," Itachi said, acting so much like the version of him that emerged around the Akatsuki that Sakura looked over her shoulder to see if any had just walked in the door.

"I don't think that asking to be acknowledged in the presence of others is unreasonable," Sakura said, storming past him. "Sasuke always said you were heartless," she muttered.

* * *

With Sakura's bad sense of direction, it took her a little while to find her way outside, where she sat down on a convenient rock and waited for Itachi to come out and apologize and generally try to convince her that he was madly in love with her and hadn't simply married her because he needed someone blindly devoted (attractive a plus!) to take care of him in his old age. She hadn't really decided if she would accept the apology or not. On one hand, bishie, on the other hand, heartless psychopathic liar who had already caused Sasuke so much grief. _He'll be out to beg my forgiveness any minute now..._

Sometime after noon, the super-secret door to the Akatsuki's super-secret hideout opened up, and Sakura awoke from the doze she had fallen into. "Ita— Kisame?" she asked, surprised to see that it was not her theoretically-remorseful husband, but his blue-skinned friend with a bath-towel wrapped around his waist.

"Here, I brought you a sandwich," he said, dropping a paper bag next to her. "I figured you would be hungry after sitting out here all morning trying to play mind games with our resident genjutsu expert."

"I wasn't playin—," Sakura glared at him and took a bite out of her sandwich. "All right, I was playing mind games. But damn it! I'm not going to sit around and let him treat me like... like... a solitaire game or something!"

"A solitaire game?"

"You know, something that you pick up and play with when nobody else is around and you're bored."

"That's not how he sees you, Sakura," Kisame said gently.

"How do you know? I mean, when we're alone he's always "oh, I can't live without you", but as soon as someone can see us it's like he forgets I'm there. How do I know that the romantic stuff isn't just an act to keep me crawling into bed with him at night? He's the one who started the mind games. What's wrong with making him prove himself?"

"His apologizing won't really prove to you that he loves you, now, will it? And it's hard for him to apologize after what you said."

"What? _I'm_ the one in the wrong here? Are you serious? He drops me on the kitchen floor because he's ashamed to be seen kissing me, and you're on his side?"

Kisame gave her a pointy grin. "Well, if I have to pick between the two of you, Itachi is my friend, but I meant that you shouldn't have said what you did about Sasuke."

Sakura blinked. "What did I say about Sasu— oh, that he thinks that Itachi's heartless? Itachi didn't _know_ that?"

"He doesn't need reminding," Kisame said seriously. "It's painful for him."

"Well, if he didn't want his little brother to hate him, he shouldn't have murdered his parents," Sakura said. "Ah-dur."

"Don't say things like that to him, please. You and I both know that he's a sensitive little guy under all the psycho-killer exterior. He needs tough people like the two of us to help him out, ya'know?"

Sakura sighed. She felt that Kisame was not simply helping Itachi with his deception of her; it didn't seem like the larger man would go too far out of his way for that. "I just wish that I could tell which version of him is sincere."

Kisame laughed and ruffled her hair. "Don't we all. But if you want to hear my theory, I'll tell you. Itachi ignores who he really is around us, what he's thinking and feeling, and becomes heartless pitiless _boring_ Itachi... and he ignores you for the same reason; you're a part of who he really is."

Sakura smiled at this thought. "That's actually really sweet... but..." her jaw clenched determinedly. "If he's ever going to change, some part of him is going to have to force him."

Kisame looked at her as if he was a little frightened of the psychotic determination in her eyes. And if he could have heard what she was saying to Yukari, he would have been even more worried.

_Yukari, let the Great Public Seduction of Uchiha Itachi begin!_

* * *

She found Itachi just where she wanted him, talking to Deidara.

"So I just told him, if you want to put your lousy excuse for art in my room, don't be surprised if I— hello, Sakura-san, yeah!"

"Hello, Deidara," Sakura waved at him. He waggled the tongue in his hand-mouth back.

"That doesn't change anything, Deidara," Itachi said as if she wasn't there, which she expected. "You still have to replace the microwave and the singing bass."

"Itachi, I wanted to say that I'm sorry for what I said earlier," Sakura said. "I was out of line."

"Ooh, what did you say, yeah?" Deidara asked eagerly. "Are you two having a lovers' spat, yeah?"

"Something like that," Sakura said, grabbing Itachi's arm. "And since it's clear that Itachi won't be apologizing, I've taken it upon myself to fix things up," she leaned upwards to whisper in his ear, "_any way I can._"

The first success of the day, Itachi's gaze flickered over to her for a moment. _Our next goal, Yukari, is to make him smile at me._

"Oh," Deidara winked, "I'll leave you two alone, then, yeah"

"No, stay," Itachi said, shaking Sakura off. "We haven't finished talking."

"Yeah, Deidara-san, stay," Sakura purred. "I promise we won't do anything inappropriate while you're watching, yeah."

Itachi glanced at her again, and she winked at him, but he didn't reply. Deidara didn't catch the mock on his speech habit.

"Seriously, Sakura-san, Itachi, I should go... I've got to steal enough money from Kakuzu to buy a microwave, yeah."

With Deidara gone, Itachi was back to his warm, loving self, and Sakura could see in his eyes that he really was hurt by what she had said, that Kisame was right, he was a tender little soul. And what's more, she actually felt really bad. She hadn't meant for him to overhear the Sasuke comment... she had just been thinking aloud.

"I'm sorry, Itachi," she whispered. "So sorry."

He smiled, and reached for her, but she eluded him. "But not sorry enough," she grinned impishly.

"Sakura–,"

"See you around, sweetie," she said, blowing him a kiss.

* * *

And so her day went, showing up whenever Itachi was around some of the other Akatsuki, hanging off him, being affectionate and loving despite his utter refusal to see her, but jumping away the minute they were alone. It was exactly what he did to her, really, only in reverse. She was just going to see who cracked first.

The big moment came when she was standing in front of him, holding his arms in place around her shoulders as they talked to Tobi, an adorably sweet little evildoer with an orange mask. Sakura had gotten pretty well acquainted with the all Akatsuki during her experiment.

"So, Deidara-sempai said that he'd replace my singing bass if I did his laundry for a month, and I didn't think that was fair because Zetsu said it was his fault it went 'splody, so could you tell him that he has to replace it for free?"

Sakura didn't have to look at Itachi to know that he had a studiously-indifferent expression on his face. "Why should I?"

Tobi shook his head. "I was asking Sakura-san," he explained. "'Cause Deidara-sempai listens to her because she's so nice."

"Itachi's nice, too, Tobi," Sakura said, moving Itachi's arms across her breasts. He very rarely shook her off when she tried to pose him, but he hadn't yet acknowledged that she was the one responsible for the movement. "He just doesn't show it very often, so nobody knows what a great guy he is."

This type of hint had been going on all day with no result, so Sakura wasn't expecting the breath against her ear.

"Itachi is a good boy?"

Tobi 'eeped' with what seemed to be anticipation as Sakura turned her head slightly so she could just see her husband out of the corner of her eye.

"Yes. Itachi is a good boy."

Itachi kissed the side of her neck. "Sakura is a good girl, too."

"It- Itachi-sempai!" Tobi gasped. "You really do love Sakura-san!"

Itachi grinned wolfishly. "Yes, Tobi. I really do."

Squealing, Tobi ran off, and Itachi went back to kissing Sakura's neck.

"Congratulations, you acknowledged my presence," Sakura said, turning herself to face him.

"You can't tease me like that, Sakura... it's not nice of you to test my self-restraint like that,"

"Why should you be so restrained?"

"Oh, Sakura," he kissed her face. "I can't explain. I just get afraid that people will try to separate us... my family would have tried..."

"Shh..." Sakura sighed, nuzzling him. "We don't have to worry about them anymore now, do we?"

"No, not at all," Itachi said, "I just need you to remind me of that once in a while... that's why you can never leave me... you're the only thing that keeps me in touch with reality," he kissed her, pushing her back against his arms. She leaned back, just as she had earlier, when,

"**We can't believe that Tobi is telling the truth,** but Tobi wouldn't lie, **but Itachi wouldn't treat Sakura like a human being, either,"**

Sakura froze, preparing for Itachi to drop her as Zetsu approached loudly down the hall. And indeed, Itachi was watching the entrance to the room cautiously. She gulped. This would hurt, no matter how she prepared.

But Itachi didn't drop her. He smiled at her, pulled her closer to him, and went back to making out with her as Zetsu walked into the room.

"Ita**chi?"** (t)he(y) asked, confused. Itachi kept Sakura clasped to his chest as he turned to the intruder.

"What, have you never seen a public display of affection before?" he asked.

_Congratulation, Angel, mission accomplished,_ Yukari said, _This reality will self-destruct in five seconds.

* * *

_

A/N: Working through writer's block...egh... so this chappie could have been a little better, but I don't think it turned out horrible... it's the longest one yet, even discounting my long-ass rant ... ah well.

LIST IS ON MY PROFILE! (Suigetsu has been added)


	10. SaiSaku

The Fortune of Mrs Sakura:

SaiSaku

Housekeeping: Ok, Pein, Yamato, Kakuzu, and Zetsu have all made the list in a landslide. Don't like it? Don't read their chapters. (Mostly thanks to Truly Christine... and Kakuzu lovers get to thank me personally... I stuck my neck out for the lovable little Frankenstein on this one. Don't remember who suggested Pein... forgive me?)

Furthermore, I have decided to permanently CLOSE suggestions. The list we have is extensive enough. That's right, if next week a new character appears and begs Sakura to marry him, he doesn't get a chapter here. So, the list on my profile contains all the men Sakura will be marrying, and further requests will be ignored. Thank you to everyone who helped build this list up to what it is today.

I'll say it again, the list is on my profile. If you want to know who's on it, refer to my profile.

I've purposely kept it vague exactly how old Sakura is supposed to actually be in this fic, to avoid time-jump difficulties. However, it would be too damn awkward to repeat her argument against Deidara for every time-skip character she comes across that she doesn't know, not to mention certain people have died recently in the manga, so just ignore the chronological aberrations from here on out.

* * *

Sakura prepared for her next day, a modified Dr. Seuss rhyme running through her head like a plea to the potion. _One Uchiha, Two Uchiha, Red Uchiha, Blue Uchiha..._

_Bad Uchiha, Good Uchiha?_ Yukari suggested.

_If the next guy can't be Sasuke, then I hope it's Naruto or someone who does the whole human emotion thing,_ Sakura sighed. _I get sick of seducing these guys... it takes up so much of my time._ She opened her eyes.

A tidy stack of self-help books on the night stand met her eyes first. On top was a jar of ink, and behind them she could see smooth black hair and a sketch pad hiding her husband's face. He lowered the sketch pad to dip his brush in ink and saw her.

"Oh... You've moved," he said. His face crinkled immediately into a wide smile, but he sounded disappointed.

_Sai?_ Sakura groaned.

_Aw, he seems cute,_ Yukari said.

_He's the epitome of emotionlessness! A million times worse than Itachi!_

_He's smiling,_ Yukari pointed out.

_It's the only expression he knows, and he's faking it,_ she thought back.

Sai began to clear some space on the table for his sketch. "I was drawing you sleeping," he explained. "Your lines are so interesting when you sleep... but you're awake now."

"I'm sorry about that," Sakura said.

"Oh, it's ok," Sai's smile stretched even bigger, if that was possible. "I can finish it the next time you sleep in."

Sakura shook her head. "I'll go back to sleep now, if you want," she offered. She wanted a flashback to find out how she had ended up with a guy who was Sai's particular brand of bizarre.

Sai nodded. "If you want to, Sakura-chan," he said in a studiously-impassive voice. Sakura took this as a 'yes'.

_Ooh boy! Flashback time!_ Yukari said brightly.

She and Yukari found themselves outside the ramen shop that Team 7 spent so much of their time in, due to Naruto's addiction.

"SAI-KUN!" A grown-up Naruto, the same sexy one that she had met in her day with Kakashi, rushed past her and Yukari and sprung onto Sai's back as the young man walked by.

"Oh, hello, Naruto-kun," Sai said in a pleasant, if somewhat monotonous, voice.

"Come on, have some ramen, man!" Naruto continued, pressing his cheek against Sai's. "We've been waiting for you, you know."

Sai cocked his head to one side. "I didn't know you were here, though...how could you have been waiting for me?" he said.

"Well, I was just saying to Sakura, I was just saying, 'Sakura, wouldn't it be awesome and a half if Sai happened to walk by?', and you did! Didn't I just say that, Sakura?"

Sakura looked down at herself... it had looked like Naruto had pointed to her, but Flashback Sakura was standing right next to her. Flashback Sakura smiled.

"Yeah, Sai, he did. Come on, let's eat. I'm starving."

Sai wiggled out of Naruto's grasp. "No thank you," he said with his smile still in tact. "I should be going."

"Oh, come on!" Naruto said, tugging at his sleeve.

"I am going to the library. They have a book in for me."

"Aw, you can pick that up anytime," Naruto said.

Sai shook his head, still smiling, and walked away. "No, I really must go."

"That Sai sure is an oddball, however you look at it," Naruto said to Sakura.

"Oh, Naruto, don't be so judgmental."

"Hey, I love him like a brother," Naruto said. "He's just a weirdo."

Sakura nodded. "He has been acting odd lately... less friendly. I thought he had been making some real progress this year..."

"Yeah, he's probably hanging out with the lovely Ino," Naruto laughed. "No time for us ugly mofos."

"Ino hasn't spoken to him at all lately," Sakura said. "Do you think he's feeling ok?"

"Sakura-chan," Naruto said patiently, "I'm sure that if Sai was feeling under the weather, that you're the first person he would go to. And if something had happened, he would call me up no matter what time of night it was. He's just being a moody artist type, I'm sure."

"I guess..." Sakura sighed, still staring off down the road Sai had walked down.

"Well, if you're going to worry about him, you might as well do it over ramen," Naruto said, pulling her inside.

The scene changed, and Sakura found herself following Flashback Sakura up the stairs of a cheap apartment building not unlike Naruto's. She was carrying a tupperware container, which she had to shift awkwardly against her hip to knock on the door.

Sai answered the door, and his bright, phony-looking smile returned when he saw her. "Hello, Sakura-chan," he said, his voice not quite matching his smile.

"Hi, Sai-kun," Sakura said, smiling awkwardly and holding out the tupperware. "I– er... you... Well, I thought maybe you weren't feeling well, so I made you some soup..." she said.

"I'm in good health," Sai answered her. "So I don't need any soup."

Sakura twitched. "Well, I went through the trouble of making it, so it's polite to at least act like you're thankful," she told him irately.

"Oh..." The smile disappeared from Sai's face for a moment while he thought. "Ok, how's this..." He forced another smile. "Oh, thank you so much Sakura-chan!" he said enthusiastically, "This is exactly what I've been wanting to eat. I hope you didn't go through much trouble for me, though. It's so nice of you to do this for me! Thank you for your concern!

He bowed deeply and took the soup from her. "I'll heat some up right now!" The smile faded back to an emotionless face. "How was that?" he asked curiously.

Sakura burst into laughter. Sai stared at her uncertainly.

"Why are you laughing, Sakura-chan?" he asked. She kept laughing, leaning on the doorframe for support, tears sprouting from her eyes. This puzzled Sai even more. "Sakura-chan, why are you crying?"

Sakura shook her head. "It's nothing, Sai... just, you're so funny..."

"I don't understand," Sai said. "Thank you for the soup." And then he closed the door.

Sakura slapped a hand against her forehead. "Sai, sometimes..." she whispered, shaking her head in exasperation. She knocked on the door again, but got no reply. So she opened the door and walked in, Real Sakura and Yukari following her.

"Sai? I'm trespassing!" she announced, skirting around a pile of books marked "to be returned" sitting in the middle of the narrow entrance way. She opened the first door that she came to and walked in.

It was more cluttered than Naruto's apartment, which was saying something, but it was cluttered with art supplies, sketch books, paper, inks, brushes, and pens, rather than old pizza boxes and dirty underwear. And hanging on the walls... no, not hanging, _papering_ the walls, covering the walls...

...were pictures of her. Drawings, quick sketches, paintings, colored, uncolored, pencil, pen, ink, oil pastel, watercolor, all of Sakura. Sakura talking to Naruto, Sakura treating a patient, Sakura's back, Sakura running, Sakura smiling, Sakura crying, Sakura eating, Sakura by the sea, Sakura in the forest, Sakura dressed up, Sakura in practically nothing... (She didn't see any of herself nude. This was comforting.)

"Oh... Hello, Sakura-chan," Sai said from behind her. Sakura jumped in a half-circle to face him.

"...Sai... What is all this?" Sakura asked. Sai, miracle that it was, blushed.

"I- I find the most inspiration when I am painting you," he explained. "I think about you a lot, lately. You're fun to draw, I guess. But it's hard... they never come out just right."

"Would you like me to model for you sometime?" Sakura asked, looking in awe at the gallery around her.

Sai shook his head. "I don't think that would be a good idea," he said. "You see... I like to draw you, but being around you makes me feel funny..."

Sakura smiled. "Maybe you're in love with me?"

Sai shook his head. "It can't be that... I love Naruto, but I don't feel like this around him."

Sakura shook her head gently and stepped close to him. "Not that kind of love," she said, kissing him. "_This_ kind."

* * *

Sakura woke up again.

_Ok, so he doesn't do the whole "human emotion" thing, but at least he's not angry about it, like Gaara, Neji, and Itachi,_ Yukari said. _He's making an effort._

_Yeah, I suppose,_ Sakura said.

"You're awake again," Sai said, smiling. Sai, Sakura realized, was pretty much always smiling.

"Are you finished?" she asked. Sai smiled proudly and turned the sketch so she could see it. An ink drawing of her lying on the bed. "Oh, it's beautiful," she said, smiling, "I'm jealous of your talent."

Sai smiled. Or, rather, Sai didn't stop smiling. "I don't like it much," he said. "The proportions are all wrong, and it doesn't look right."

"Oh, I think it looks fine," Sakura said comfortingly. "You're too hard on yourself. It's only a quick sketch,"

"I know, but it doesn't look like you. It just looks like a person," he explained, considering the difference between the portrait and his wife, still smiling.

Sakura looked at the drawing. It looked like her as far as she could see. "Well, maybe you just need some breakfast... get away from it for a while. When you get back, you'll see how good it really looks," she suggested.

Sai lay the sketch pad down. "I guess."

So Sai and Sakura ate breakfast, and then they hung out for a while, Sai in his art-studio, which was no longer quite so covered with Sakura sketches, although they were a large part of it, and Sakura in the corner that she had cleared out for herself, which was mostly full of medical scrolls and much more tidy than the rest of the room. It surprised her, to be honest. She didn't consider herself very neat, and she always considered Sai to be almost obsessive-compulsive in a very unabrasive way. Apparently this rule didn't extend to his art supplies.

"Sakura-chan?" Sai said suddenly, looking up from his book, _Self-Expression Through Art_, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

Sakura smiled. "Sure."

So, once Sai had gathered up his supplies ("But what if I see something I want to draw?"), they set off on a walk through the woods.

"Sai," Sakura grabbed his hand as they were walking. Sai smiled at her. Sai was always smiling. Sai had not once stopped smiling the entire morning. "Why is it that you paint so much? I mean, I understand that it's your hobby, but... well," Sakura didn't want to admit that she was comparing Sai with Deidara, and finding the two artists to be completely different. "You don't seem obsessed or anything, you just do it... a lot."

Sai shrugged and let his gaze wander around the scenery like he had forgotten his Ridalin. "Well, I guess, when I was little, I liked to imagine things and then draw them, so I could look at them... they were pretty." Sakura, watching him, blinked. For a second, it looked like his smile (which, frankly, was starting to irritate her) had flickered for a moment. He had looked a little sad. "Not much around me was pretty... it was fun, to pretend." He smiled at her. "And now everything is so pretty."

Sakura stroked his arm, feeling sympathetic for her poor little emotionless husband. "Sai, you know, you don't have to smile if you don't want to."

"But... I'm with you, and I love you, and that makes me happy, so I should smile, right?" Sai said, confused.

"You don't have to smile all the time, though," Sakura said, kissing his cheek. "You can love me and be sad at the same time."

Sai hugged her. "But I am happy, Sakura-chan. Although," the smile went away. "I wish I could draw you better..."

"I think they're very good likenesses," Sakura said. "What are they missing?"

"Well," Sai sighed. "They look like you, but... when I draw things like trees and birds, I'm drawing things that don't have any meaning... I don't love them, so drawing them as they look is alright," he explained, "But when I look at you, I know that I love you. You can't see that in my art. I want people to look at a picture of you and see why I love you." He smiled again. "Sakura, could you pose for me?" he asked suddenly.

Sakura blinked. "...sure?"

Sai pointed to a nearby log. "Could you sit there? Any way you want."

Sakura complied, and Sai sat down where he was (in the middle of the path) and pulled some paper and a pencil out of his backpack.

_I'm bored,_ Yukari whined after an hour of watching Sai. Sai, Sakura had noticed, wasn't smiling. He was busy concentrating.

_Well, tough. See, you could have waited and gotten a snack right now, instead of ditching me with the child-molester with the creepy tongue._

_I don't like this guy... he's too boring..._

_Oh, I think he's sweet,_ Sakura said. _And you liked him this morning. _

_I changed my mind. Is today up yet?_

It was getting close to dusk when Sai decided that the light was all wrong, and they had better leave.

"Can I see it, or do you want to wait for it to be finished?" Sakura asked as they made their way home... with a quick stop at the ramen shop for take-out.

"I'll show it to you when we've eaten," Sai said. "I read a book saying that going to bed on an empty stomach is very bad for your sex life."

Sakura blinked at him. Sai had said this with a very straight face, no hint of any hidden meaning. "Oh."

Sai smiled at her again.

* * *

It wasn't until dinner was over and Sai had cleaned up (he was fairy tidy when his artistic space wasn't in question) that Sakura brought up the picture again.

"You seem curious, Sakura," Sai had noted.

"Well, I did spend all day posing for you," she reminded him. "It's hard not to want to see what you've been doing to my body."

Sai grinned. Sakura wasn't sure if he was oblivious to the innuendo or not.

"Here, I'll show you," he finally consented, taking out his masterpiece. "I like it a lot, but it's very different... do you think it looks ok?"

Sakura's mouth dropped open. It was not intended to be life-like at all. At first glance it was Sakura, but the shading, if you looked closely, was something else entirely. Her hair seemed to form cherry trees, and portraits where hidden in the shadows through the picture. One looked completely blissful, one too forlorn for words. The trees in her hair seemed to express emotions, as well, wilting, waving in the breeze. She turned her attention to the people hidden in her skin and clothes.

"Those are me," Sai said, pointing to one. Sakura looked between the lonely boy and her husband. It was. With an actual expression, he had been hard to identify. "And, in your eyes... that's my brother,"

Sakura stared at the eye Sai indicated in the picture. Behind it, in the reflection, was indeed a young man, smiling proudly.

"And the other one is Naruto," he explained. Sakura nodded.

"It's beautiful..."

"I realized, when we were talking, that loving you isn't just being happy," Sai said. "It's being happy and lonely and jealous and nervous and too many emotions to count. And I thought how you make me think of other people that I love, and how all of you are so close to me, and..." Sai suddenly stopped and lowered the painting. "Sakura-chan, you're crying..."

Sakura sniffled and wiped away a tear. "I'm sorry," she said. "It's not that I don't like it, Sai," she said hastily, in case he couldn't understand. "It's just so beautiful, and it has so much feeling in it..."

Sai smiled and kissed her eyes, one after the other. "I'm very glad that you like it, Sakura-chan. I cried too, while I was making it. One of my books, the one about expression in art, says that real art should reflect the emotions of the painter... do you think I did that?"

"Yes, Sai," Sakura smiled through her tears, "I think you did that very well."

Sai carefully laid the picture back on the kitchen table. "Another book said that if the woman you love is crying, you should hold her in your arms," he wrapped his arms around Sakura's waist, "And kiss her," He did, "and then..."

"Sai, what book said that?"

Sai kissed her again. "That one Kakashi's always reading," he said simply. "Am I doing everything right so far?"

"Yes, Sai."

Sai smiled, his eyes closing into little half-circles, not unlike Kakashi's. "Good. So we can move onto chapter two! That's my favorite part!"

_Actually, we're more like on Chapter 10,_ Yukari said as the world blacked out. _I've got to say, Sakura, I've noticed three patterns with you: Artists, Emotionless Guys, and Very Very Effeminate Men._

_I am NOT into effeminate men!_ Sakura objected. _Sai is perfectly manly. He usually says 'penis' ever other word._

_Yeah, that's what makes a guy manly,_ Yukari said sarcastically. _But you're right, it's not that you like effeminate guys, it's that effeminate guys like you..._

_I do NOT attract effeminate guys!_ Sakura continued to object, and she would have argued with Yukari over it, too, but her next day was starting, and she needed to focus on that.

* * *

A/N: I just sat down and wrote this chapter from scratch in about 2 hours... so yeah, it's short, and it's more like a date with Sai than being married to him. And it's also not as funny as some of the others, but I never promised pure comedy. I hope you can forgive my shortcomings.


	11. Mrs Sakura Yamanaka

The Fortune of Mrs Sakura Yamanaka (read the A/N):

Special thanks to TheKazz (formerly NekoRaven) for all the help, and my most sincere apologies for the wait.

A/N: I'm going to say this once more, and then never again.

_**I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE A PARTICULAR PAIRING.**_

I figured the yuri chapter would be the best time to address this, but it goes for ALL chapters. So, if you don't want to incur my unending wrath, either comment on MY writing ability rather than my pairing, or keep your mouth shut.

There's no real plot to this story, so if you really can't stand Orochimaru, Gai, Ino, Kakuzu, ect, just don't read that chapter. I've gotten plenty of people telling me that they skipped a couple. That's fine. I respect that.

Skullblade and Black White Mist are doing Mrs. Hinata-style stories. Both have my permission.

Oh, and Morte Giver is the one who suggested Pein.

* * *

Her new husband was lying on her stomach, his head covered by the blankets. It wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, it was quite pleasant. This didn't really surprise her, since most of the guys she knew were pathetically underweight... especially Sasuke. He needed to eat more. And as his wife, she was going to see to it that he did. Starting now.

"You need to fatten up," she said as her husband kissed her collarbone. "People will say that I'm neglecting your health."

"Mmm, Sakura-chan," Her "husband" raised their head up and grinned at her from under the blankets. "You can't tease me like that when I'm in the middle of a diet!" Ino pouted at her.

_Effeminate men AND Women,_ Yukari smirked as Sakura tried to recoil in horror.

_YUKARI! I DO __**NOT**__, REPEAT __**NOT**__! BEND THAT WAY!_

_Why so scared? Could it be that you're denying some part of yourself?_

_WHAT? No! She's a girl! I'm a girl!_

_Oh, don't be so homophobic. Explore! Challenge your comfort zone! Discover who you are!_

_I know who I am, thank you very much! I am a girl named Sakura who is madly in love with a MAN!_

_I thought you liked Sasuke..._

_What are you implying? WHOA!_

Ino had kissed Sakura's neck. Sakura scooted backwards as Inp ran her hands up Sakura's sides very sensually.

"What's wrong, pookie?" Ino cooed, squeezing Sakura's breasts. "Playing hard to get?"

"Hey!" Sakura yanked Ino's hands away. "You've got your own pair of those to play with!"

Ino's hands closed around her wrists and pressed Sakura's hands into Ino's breasts. "Those are for you, pookie," she murmured, kissing Sakura as she squirmed.

_Yukari!_ Sakura cried, _It's like being back with Orochimaru! Only fem!_

_Relax, you pansy._

_Why aren't you ever on my side on these things?_

_I AM on your side. You just don't realize it yet, 'cause you're a poor, sexually-confused little girl._

_WHAT? NO! I demand a flashback!_

She and Yukari were transported to what appeared to be Naruto's crummy apartment, only decorated (in the typical half-assed Naruto decoration way) for a party. Music was playing and people Sakura recognized were wandering around, but her attention was focused on herself, Naruto, and Neji.

"So..." Naruto, who had an arm wrapped around Neji's shoulder (something that was rather dangerous, and that nobody but Naruto would ever dare to do), grinned at Sakura. "Could you babysit Hopeless here for me? It's his first time trying to be a socially-active human being."

Neji glared at Naruto out of the corner of his eye, and Flashback Sakura smiled rather nervously. Real Sakura recognized that look; it was the one that you made when your crazy-nice friend is trying to convince you that his new pet wolf is a cute puppy, or that Gaara is a cuddly little boy. She made it frequently.

"Anyway," Naruto continued, "As you know, I'm, um... well, I'd love to hang out and make sure that Neji doesn't kick any puppies or anything like that, but, I'm busy-,"

"Your fiancee," Neji muttered.

"What? No! Er, I mean-,"

Flashback Sakura smiled, "Just go already, Naruto. I can handle..." She shrugged, staring off to the side of her feet.

"Sakura? You blushing?" Naruto crowed.

"Just leave, Naruto!" Sakura yelled.

This was all well and good, but something was bothering Real Sakura. "Uh, Yukari? Is this the... uh... right flashback? 'Cause Ino isn't in it, and it's looking suspiciously like how Neji and I hooked up, eight husbands ago..."

"Yeah," Yukari looked a little concerned. "I guess it's the right one... Oh, look the scene's changing."

Sakura and Ino were leaning against the foot of Naruto's bed, and, judging by the lifeless Tenten on the bed above them, it was just after the party.

"So...Neji, huh?" Ino asked after a minute.

Sakura nodded.

"... you're really desperate, you know that?"

Sakura nodded again, slamming her head against the bed. "I know."

"I mean, the kid that beat up Hinata."

"All right, Ino, I get it, I'm pathetic. He's nice enough, though... he's got a sense of humor."

"Really?"

"Really."

Ino grabbed the almost-empty plastic cup from beside Sakura and moved it away. "I think you had quite enough to drink tonight, if you can say that with a straight face."

Sakura giggled and pushed Ino playfully. "I didn't have much tonight. And we had a good time, even if you don't believe me."

"Ok, even forcing ourselves to forget that he's neurotic and somewhat abusive-,"

"Aw, lay off the boy, Ino, he's changed a lot," Sakura said.

"So claims Naruto, but forgetting all that, there's still question of his sexuality."

"You think he's gay?" Sakura asked.

Ino tossed her hair to one side. "I mean, I've never once caught him looking at me."

"Not every boy who doesn't ogle you is gay," Sakura said with a laugh, "you vain little ice princess. He probably realized that you never let guys do anything but look, and he's too smart to waste his time. He's just a little effeminate, that's all."

Ino grinned. "And you're into effeminate guys?"

Yukari laughed. "I told you!" she hooted. Real Sakura glared at her.

Flashback Sakura shrugged. "Never really thought about it, but, yeah, I guess all the guys I end up giving my number to are a little... girly."

Ino smiled and leaned against Sakura's shoulder. "Maybe, Sakura-chan, the fact that none of your relationships pan out is an indication that you should stop half-assing it with girly men," Ino leaned in closer and kissed Sakura, "And start looking for a woman."

* * *

_Yukari!_ Sakura whined, back in Ino's room. _My best friend is harboring a crush on me?_

_Looks like it. Now shut up and kiss her._

_Do I have to?_

"Come on, Sakura-chan," Ino said, pulling Sakura up. "I'm taking you shopping... you need to look perfect for tonight."

_All right, you don't have to kiss her right now,_ Yukari said mercifully, _But you should later on. _

_Not sure I can avoid it,_ Sakura thought as Ino blew a kiss at her. _She's awfully... loving._

After a quick breakfast consisting of some fruit yogurt (Ino's was low-fat), Ino dragged Sakura out to the merchant district of downtown Konoha for some good old fashion clothes shopping.

_Well, it's not so bad... it's just like shopping with her any other time._

Ino tried to grab her hand. Sakura yanked her hand away and looked around nervously to make sure no one was watching.

"Pookie? Is something wrong?" Ino asked, wrapping an arm around Sakura's shoulder. "You've been acting weird all day."

Sakura kept glancing around at the people around them in the streets. Nobody seemed to be staring; she supposed that Ino was not the type to keep the nature of their relationship a secret. Still, it felt... well,

_Weird? As though some part of you that you've been ignoring all your life has suddenly–,_

_NO!_ Sakura yelled at Yukari, grabbing Ino's hand determinedly. "Nothing's wrong, Ino. Where should we start?"

"How about Priscilla's Frills?"

Sakura looked over at her. "Ino, do I look like I'm five?"

"Oh, you always say that, but you always find something cute there."

* * *

_Priscilla's Frills_ had opened up when Sakura was a little girl. It had began life as a cutesy little boutique where over-attentive new mothers could buy their babies the pinkest, most disgustingly cute stuff available to take pictures that they could later show to their embarrassed daughters' dates. The shop had evolved as the girls grew up and got spending money and common sense, and evidently, by the time that Sakura and Ino walked in the door, had become something much more... _risque_.

"I dunno, Ino," Sakura said, turning in the mirror to examine the pink corset and matching miniskirt she had been forced to try on. "It's just... not me."

"Ok, Sakura, have some more self-confidence. It looks hot on you."

"I look like a cheap whore."

"Sakura, life is about self-esteem! This is why you could never get a relationship going with any of those losers you dated before I took pity on you."

"Excuse me? I thought that I could never get a relationship going because I was waiting for you, _pookie_."

"Hey now. Pookie is _my_ name for _you_."

Sakura smiled and pushed Ino into the stall she had just changed in. "Well, it's my turn now. My turn to be Ino. And I get to dress you up."

"What? Sakura!"

"Wait here!" Sakura said, rushing into the store to find an outfit for Ino to try on. She liked dressing Ino up. Ino was... well, Ino was...

"Beautiful," Sakura said as Ino showed off the slinky little number Sakura had dressed her in. Ino should be a model. She was always so pretty, and so confident, and so poised. Sakura grabbed a scarf off of a nearby rack and wrapped it around Ino's neck, admiring the way it matched with her eyes.

_Sounds like you're fitting in just fine,_ Yukari remarked snidely.

_Shut up, no I'm not! Girlfriends do stuff like this._

_They sure do._

_Not girlfriends like _that_! Girls who are friends. Girl friends._

_Whatever, honey._

"Oh, Sakura, I feel like I'm eight again and letting you dress me up like a little doll," Ino giggled. "Do you remember doing that?"

"Yes."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is..." Ino grinned and wrapped her arms around Sakura. "It's my turn to be Sakura now, pookie. I'm all grown up and I get to be the one picking the outfits." She kissed Sakura, pushing her into the stall.

"I already tried on this hooker outfit for you."

"I know. I found something better."

"Something better" turned out to be a black dress with slits across the middle.

"Um... Ino, where's the cloth?" Sakura asked, trying to close the gaps in the fabric.

"There you go again. You have no problem putting me in skimpy little outfits, but as soon as the tables are turned..."

"Your body's nicer than mine," Sakura said. Ino kissed her.

"Well, if you ever want to borrow it, it's all yours. Now, let's buy this. It's hot."

Sakura ignored the sexual advances and surveyed herself in the mirror. "It does look pretty cool. Where are we going again?"

"My parents' house for dinner. Did you forget?"

* * *

"Ino," Back out on the street, Sakura peered into the bag that contained her new outfit. "Are you sure that you want me to wear this to your parents'? I mean, it's not really... parent material."

"Oh, who cares? They hate you anyway."

Sakura gulped. "They hate—,"

"Hey! Ino! Sakura!"

Ino grabbed her hand and spun her towards the voice. "Hey, guys!"

It was Chouji, Shikamaru, Naruto, and Sai. Ino waved at them. "Hi! What's going on?"

"We're getting barbeque," Shikamaru said. "Want to tag along?"

Sakura noticed that Naruto looked a little uncomfortable, but Ino had already accepted the invitation, and before Sakura could comment further, they were shuffling into a booth at the Mongolian BBQ place.

Ino squeezed in between Chouji and Shikamaru, and Sakura was happy for the opportunity to eat without Ino hanging off her. Naruto scooted in first. Sakura was going to sit on the end, but Sai offered her the next seat, so she ended up in the middle.

Naruto did not seem happy about this.

"Uh, Sai, it's..." he stuttered, flailing against the wall. "Er, I'm sure she'd rather be next to you... and uh, be able to leave... and it's more roomy, uh,"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Sai said blankly. "I thought she would want to be across from her wife."

Naruto laughed nervously as Sakura slid in next to him. "Right, right... her... wife..."

_Aw, he's so uncomfortable around you!_ Yukari cooed while Naruto scrambled to avoid making physical contact with Sakura. _Isn't that precious?_

Because of Team 10's frequent visits to the restaurant, the waiters were all well acquainted with their group, and the food arrived almost immediately.

Shikamaru took a sip of his drink and groaned. "Aw, I ordered Dr Pepper, not Coke."

"Send it back, then," Ino said.

"Nah, too much trouble."

Ino groaned and pushed him. "God, Shika, if you aren't going to do anything, then stop complaining."

"But I like complaining."

"Yeah, but it drives the rest of us nuts."

Sai turned to Sakura, bored with the typical InoShikaChou conversation. "So, Sakura, how are you?"

"I'm fine," Sakura said. Sai nodded and went back to eating.

Ino grinned and leaned forward to snag a piece of food off of Sakura's plate. "Just fine?"

"God, Ino, why don't you order your own food instead of stealing everyone else's?" Shikamaru groaned. "That's a lot more annoying than anything I do."

"I'm on a diet," Ino said. "I can't eat an entire plate."

Chouji poked her. "Yes, you can! You're skin and bones," he lectured. Ino pouted.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," she said. "And don't be so self-righteous. It's Sakura I'm stealing from, not you." She grabbed another slice of meat from Sakura. "And she doesn't care, right, pookie?"

Sakura jumped as a foot ran up her leg. Ino winked at her.

"Are you guys playing footsie?" Shikamaru asked, sounding bored. "Come on, we're crammed in here tight enough as is, save it for when you're alone."

At the first suggestion of footsie, Naruto ducked his head under the table. Ino wiggled her toes at him, and he came back up, looking mortified.

"Naruto," Sai leaned around Sakura to talk to the young man. "Is footsie some kind of lesbian game?"

Naruto turned pale. "Uh– uh,"

"No, Sai," Shikamaru said, taking a sip of his not-Dr Pepper. "It's not. It's just a thing a lot of couples do. Like making out."

Sai nodded. "Oh. Thank you. I was confused."

Naruto squeaked and picked up some food with shaking chopsticks.

"So, Sakura, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Sai."

"How do you and Ino have sex if neither of you has a penis?"

Naruto choked on his food and started turning blue. "Sai- you can't– That's not– I'm–,"

Sakura thumped him on the back once, but he shied away from her. Meanwhile, Chouji began to eat Naruto's share of the food.

"It's— ok, Sa– Sakura— I can— I'm — fine."

Sai didn't seem to notice Naruto. "It's been bothering me for a while, but I haven't had the opportunity to ask you. I tried to ask Hinata if she knew how you did it once, but she fainted."

"Oh..." Sakura laughed nervously. "Well, er... we... Is this really..."

_You don't know the answer, do you?_ Yukari asked snidely. _My God, you are the biggest virgin I have ever met..._

_Excuse me! I know how it's done, I just... I mean, we're eating!_

"Well, Sai," Ino explained with a lascivious grin at Sakura. "Sakura-chan's usually the bottom."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, and Chouji began to focus more on Ino than on chewing. Sakura got the idea that they were very happy Sai had asked this particular question. _Pervs..._

"Ino!" Sakura snapped, looking around the restaurant. "There are little kids here!"

Ino smiled. "Oh, they won't know what I'm talking about, pookie, and Sai-kun wants to know. We light some candles, and then I start to massage–,"

"All right!" Naruto jumped to his feet, pale. "Everyone done eating? Good, let's... let's...Check please!" he yelled at a waiter.

* * *

Ino burst into hysterical laughter once they were away from the others. "Can you believe Naruto? He's such a little prude!" she giggled. "I love how he hates to touch you, like he thinks you have cooties or something!"

Sakura giggled a little. "He's trying to be open-minded, I suppose."

Ino draped an arm around her. "Sure he is, pookie. He's just so bad at masking emotions... I hope you don't mind me teasing him like that."

"I can't believe Sai asked that..." Sakura whispered, turning red from the memory.

"Really? I can. It's a perfectly Sai question. Ah, pookie, your teammates are so... bad at dealing with their little lesbian friend, I just want to give them big hugs..."

"Meanwhile, your team is perfectly fine with it," Sakura sighed. "That's what I get for being on Team Drama."

Ino giggled some more. "Yeah, Shika and Chou are fine... but we all know they'd be even better if they could watch. Did you see the look on their faces when I started talking about–,"

Sakura squirmed. "Yes. Did you have to tell them—,"

"What? That you're the uke? Oh, I think they already knew," Ino kissed the side of her neck before opening the door to their home. Sakura squirmed away.

"Wait!" she yelled as Ino threw the shopping bags in a corner. "What do you mean, they already knew!?"

* * *

_I mean, I can be dominant! There's no reason for them to assume that I'm the–,_

_First, Sakura, you've been on this for hours. Stop obsessing. And second, yeah, you've got 'submissive' written all over you._

_I do not!_

"Pookie?" Ino knocked on the bathroom door where Sakura was changing. "Are you dressed yet?"

"Uh... I dunno, Ino."

Ino pushed open the door. "Well, it's very simple. Are you wearing clothes or not?"

"Of course I'm wearing clothes, but-,"

"Then you're dressed," she explained, wrapping her arms around Sakura and pushing her against the wall. "And you look adorable."

"I beg to differ," Sakura said. "Ino, I just don't think that this dress," (She was wearing the one they had bought at Priscilla's), "is the kind of thing that I should wear to eat dinner with your parents."

"Sakura, Sakura, Sakura," Ino said, stroking Sakura's hair. "I stopped caring what my parents think years ago. And I want to show you off."

Sakura smiled, a little uncertainly. "If you're sure..."

"I am. Come on, how about a little cuddle time before we leave?" she whispered, nibbling on Sakura's ear.

"Wha– Uh– You know," Sakura pushed her away. "You're not dressed yet, and we don't have much time–,"

Ino sighed and checked her watch. "Guess you're right... Anyway, a fresh hickey wouldn't match your outfit."

Sakura sighed with relief.

* * *

Sakura hadn't had such a cold reception from in-laws since Temari on day one. For once her father wasn't drunk, and her mother had the same kind of silently-unhappy look that she got when Ino had brought home a condom from sex-ed class. She smiled wanly at the store-bought pie that Ino and Sakura had picked up for dessert.

"Ino, would it kill you to put a little effort into things?" she asked, putting it on the kitchen counter. "I taught you how to bake for a reason, you know."

"Mama, who has time to bake an entire pie these days? I only get a few days off, I'm not going to spend them slaving a way in the kitchen."

"It's a useful skill, Ino. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you know."

Ino smiled (not with her eyes) and wrapped an arm around Sakura's mostly-exposed waist. "Anyone who thinks that flunked anatomy."

"Don't be so fresh. Men think about two things, sex and food."

Ino rolled her eyes. "And that's why I hold that women are a much better choice. Do you need help setting the table?"

Sakura spent dinner fidgeting with her food.

"So... Sakura," Ino's father said after a moment. He tried to avoid looking at her, but when he did, his eyes wandered down to the slits in her dress. "How is your team?"

"Oh, they're fine," Sakura said. "They're..." she smiled. What else could she say? "They're fine. This is really good, Mrs. Yamanaka."

Ino's mother nodded. "Thank you, Sakura."

There was another long silence. Mr. Yamanaka stood up. "Anybody want some wine?"

"Sit," his wife snapped, yanking him back to his seat.

There was another long silence.

"So, Ino... met any cute guys at work, lately?" her mother asked.

Ino ground her teeth together. "I wouldn't know."

"Well, what about you, Sakura? That little Uzumaki boy's gotten quite attractive."

Sakura gulped, and Ino slammed her hand down on her plate. "That's enough, Mother. You can make these stupid little insulting comments all night long, but why don't I just come out and say it? This "lesbian" thing is not going to "blow over"! Sakura and I are in love, and the sooner that you accept this, the happier we'll all be!"

"I just think that maybe you should make sure that this is really what you want," her mother said hopelessly.

"Sakura and I have been _married_ for a year! She IS what I want!" Ino screamed. "And you and Dad and anyone else who has a problem with that can just suck it! Good. Night."

Ino stormed out of the house, leaving her parents and Sakura splattered in rice and staring blankly at the door.

_So... who wants pie?_ Yukari asked.

* * *

Sakura pushed open the door to her and Ino's bedroom. "Ino? Are you ok?"

Ino, curled up at the foot of the bed, shook her head. "I'm sorry I lost it back there, Sakura. I'm just so... so.. _sick_ of them acting like you're some kind of phase and that I'm going to get tired of you and settle down with some boy and have a house and a dog and a bunch of kids."

Sakura sat down next to her and dropped the grocery bag she was holding. Ino wrapped her arms around her and rested her head against her (Sakura's) chest.

"I'm not going to get tired of you, Sakura. Not ever. You're the one that I love. Why is it so difficult for them to see that?"

Sakura sighed and rubbed Ino's shoulder. "I don't know, Ino."

"I..." Ino sobbed a little. "I don't want to have to chose between you and my parents. I want them to love who I am, you know?"

Sakura hugged her. "I know, I know."

"I really love you, Sakura."

There was a long pause. Yukari nudged her mentally.

_Well?_

_Ok, ok, fine. I'll say it._

"I love you, too, Ino."

"What's in the bag?" Ino whispered.

"Oh, that..." Sakura picked up the bag. "I stopped by the store..." She pulled out a pint of ice cream. "I thought maybe diets don't count at times like these."

Ino smiled and wiped some tears off her face. "Thanks, pookie."

"Of course."

Ino stood up. "I'll go get some spoons..."

And then she vanished.

_It's over?_ Sakura asked.

_Yup. There, don't you feel liberated?_

Sakura slumped over. _Just bring on the next guy... er, person, and stop questioning my sexuality._


	12. Mrs Sakura Aburame

The Fortune of Mrs Sakura Aburame

A/N: My New Year's resolution: To stop being such a bitch in my author's notes and let everyone know how much I love them for supporting this fic. Because I do love you guys, very very much.

Yukari's lines should be italicized and underlined, Sakura's should be italicized. If you notice that any are not, could you please let me know? Sometimes my formatting messes up... don't know why. Thanks!

The yuri chapter was the only surprise in the whole story (thank you for the lack of flames!); if you would like to see if your favorite bishie is going to be featured, please feel free to check my profile for the complete list.

As I warned in the very first chapter, this story is not pure comedy. I have a serious side that does occasionally come out in my plots. Sorry for the inconvenience this may cause you.

Also, as you may have noticed, I have serious attention-span issues and tend to start things in these chapters that I forget to follow through on, such as the random birds in the OroSaku chapter and a couple of others that didn't pan out. I apologize profusely for my lack of focus.

Um... in case you skipped the Neji chapter (judging by the number of pro-Neji reviews, I would say that this is a very small percentage of you), I like ShinoHina.

Shibi is the name of Shino's father. You will need this trivia tidbit later on.

* * *

_Well... That was unsettling._ Sakura said after a moment.

_That your best friend might be in love with you?_

_No, that I paid good money for that ice cream, not to mention the trauma of dealing with heartbroken, cuddly Ino, and I didn't get to eat any of it. __But, hey, at least it's over with, and... HEY! Yukari, I take issue with that last fortune! Ino'll go for any guy who's still breathing, she can't possibly be in love with me!_

_Love is complicated, young grasshopper._

_More like this potion is full of crap. All right, bring on the next one. And make it male._

_Or Sasuke._ Yukari laughed.

_Or Sasu— Wait! There, you did it again! Do you have something to say?_

_Who, me? Of course not._ Yukari thought innocently.

Sakura growled to herself. _Really?_

_Did I say something wrong, Pookie?_

_You shut up!_

A high-pitched wail went up next to Sakura's ear. She jumped up and looked around defensively, ready to be mauled by females, villains, effeminate villains, and men in spandex.

Instead, she found a baby monitor on her left and a pale, muscled shoulder decked out with a giant blue dragon tattoo on her right. The monitor was crying, and the shoulder was moving up and down slightly. She poked at the dragon's tooth. The shoulder snored as if to say "You take care of it. I'm... still... asleep. Yeah. Asleep."

Sakura was about to hit the shoulder, but the baby sent out a particularly piteous cry, and Sakura's maternal instincts won out over her defensive ones.

_I'll deal with lazy-ass mystery shoulder and his child-abandoning skills later,_ she told Yukari, slinking down the hallway, following the sounds of the baby, which she supposed was hers. Something was bothering her.

She didn't know anyone with a giant tattoo. And she didn't know anybody that she would marry that she hadn't already seen shirtless. Well, maybe a couple of the Akatsuki, but weren't Deidara and Itachi enough from that evil organization to be obsessed with her? And anyway, this wasn't the Akatsuki layer.

_Not another total stranger, not another total stranger, not another total stranger..._

_Maybe Sasuke got a tat for you,_ Yukari suggested.

Sakura sighed and picked up the child she had maneuvered her way to. It stopped crying immediately. It appeared to be a girl, at least, to judge by the amount of purple in the room. Sakura noted, with some dismay, the lack of pink or other gender-stereotypes. She and the vast majority of the guys she would rather spend the day married to had been raised according to the old traditions, and if her husband was somebody she knew, the room would be pink and covered with flowers and teddy bears.

_Yukari, I'm worried,_ she thought.

_About the way that kid's looking at you?_

_No, about my hus–, Wait, what?_ Sakura looked down at the baby in her arms. She was, indeed, looking at her expectantly. More accurately, it was looking at her breasts expectantly. Sakura glared back at it. "All right..." Sakura's eyes darted to the birth certificate framed on the wall. "...Shiori. What do you think you're looking at?"

The baby blinked up at her with small black eyes. Sakura sighed and shifted its weight to unbutton her own shirt.

"Fine. Suppose it's best to keep you off the bottle for a little longer," she sighed once again, feeding the infant (and trying not to concentrate too much on what this involved.)

She was putting Shiori back in her crib when something bumped against her ankle. She glanced down to find a mug of tea steaming next to her. Puzzled she picked it up and took a sip, then grimaced. Decaf. Caffeine, she supposed, was bad for the baby.

Her second concern was how the beverage got to her feet to begin with. She glanced down at the part of the flooring under suspicion and found nothing but several unusual insects.

_Ew! Kill them, kill them!_ Yukari shrieked. And, indeed, Sakura did jerk her knee back for a second, her gut-reaction being to stomp on them, but the part of her brain that had made it through Gaara, Gai, Kabuto, Orochimaru, and Kakashi stopped her.

_I shouldn't,_ she told Yukari.

_Sakura! They're filthy, disgusting, tea-bearing bugs! You have to protect your child! And me!_

_It is..._ Sakura gulped, preparing to meet the possibility head-on. _It is possible that my husband is an insect... fancier._

She looked around the room again. Purple was much closer to his style than pink, there was no doubt. She wondered if they had argued over it, but she couldn't picture Shino arguing with anybody.

Another thought occurred to her, and she looked down curiously. Shiori cooed. She wasn't an unattractive baby at all. She was actually quite cute. Sakura squinted at her. She leaned in closely. Surely her precious little baby girl wasn't covered in bugs! She couldn't be, not that round little face, that sweet little tuft of brown hair, those cute little fingers.

Very carefully, she poked the baby's stomach.

A tiny bug flew out of her footsie pajamas and straight at Sakura's face. Sakura shrieked and jumped back.

Someone laughed behind her, a short, quiet chuckle. Sakura spun around. Yes, that was most definitely Shino. He was much easier to recognize facing her head-on in a gray bathrobe. And she could even see the other side of the dragon along his chest.

"What?"

"She always surprises you with that one," he said simply, walking up to her and kissing her on the forehead.

"I–," Sakura started to defend herself, but there was nothing to say.

_Yeah, it's not a great reflection on you that you're afraid of your own child's abilities._

Shino did not seem to be so upset by Sakura's apparent attitude towards his clan's specialty. He picked up the baby and kissed her forehead as well. She responded by rubbing her hands against his cheeks as though she was trying to rearrange his face.

_I never had Shino pegged as the type to have a giant tattoo. Or a child._

_Why not?_ Yukari asked. _It says that he's inheriting control of his clan, he needs an heir, right?_

_Well, yeah, but... but..._ Sakura sighed disconsolately. She couldn't explain why Shino wasn't father material. It was just one of those things that was true and that everyone knew intuitively. Kabuto was a compulsive liar, Gai was a child-molester, and Shino was a loner.

Shino heard the sigh. "Something the matter?"

"I'm just tired," Sakura said. With anybody else she would have gone on a part-joking tirade about how _somebody_ should have been helping her with the baby, but Shino... Shino didn't joke. _Yukari, you can't understand. He's quiet and a little weird, and he doesn't laugh. He's like an old man._

_Fine, let's go do a flashback._

"Being a new parent is difficult," Shino said, doing a slow yet difficult-to-follow maneuver that ended with Shiori snugly in one arm and Sakura's shoulder pressed gently against the other. "You've been losing a lot of sleep lately."

"I wouldn't lose so much if someone else would wake up to feed the baby," Sakura muttered. Shino kissed the side of her neck.

"As soon as she starts on the bottle full-time, I will wake up every morning and suffer for her the way you have. Now, go back to sleep. I will watch her, and you're putting your health at risk in this state."

Sakura hesitated._ Does Shino really know how to take care of a baby?_

_First off, Sakura, it's not like YOU know how to take care of a baby, either. Second, do you want the flashback or not? I don't think you want to pass out in the middle of the nursery. And third, what makes you think he's so incompetent?_

Sakura made a mental face at Yukari, but began the walk back to her new bedroom. _It's just... it's SHINO, that's all. He's not... social._

_Neither was Gaara._

_Gaara's not social in a hurt-during-childhood-wishes-he-could-be-social way. Shino's not social in a why-would-I-hang-out-with-you-humans way._

_Ah,_ Yukari thought sagely. _Yet another one of your emotionless guys._

_Your potion's emotionless guys!_ Sakura corrected, jumping onto the bed somewhat huffily. _I don't pick them!_

_Ah, Sakura, when will you realize that you DO pick these guys, just by being your beautiful, seductive self?_

Sakura waited for the room to dissolve into the flashback so that she could glare at Yukari. "You're _never_ on my side," she said. Yukari grinned, and Sakura, fuming, looked around.

"Oh... Oh, I know where this is!" she exclaimed, her anger melting as she ran to the blackboard in front of her, tracing the chalk dust. "It's the old school room! Yukari, this brings back so many memories..." she glanced around. "No Sensei..."

"HEY! LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

Sakura and the children seated at their desks looked towards the door. She laughed. "Of course, he's yelling at Naruto and Kiba and Shikamaru and Chouji. And there's Sasuke, and Hinata, and Ino, and me... Oh, Yukari, we're so young!" She walked up to the little pink-haired girl drawing on her notebook.

"Well... glad this is so nostalgic for you," Yukari said, looking a little weirded out. "God, girl, you're not _that_ old, you didn't graduate that long ago."

Ino shrieked and jumped to her feet, swatting something off her desk and across the room. The other children jumped to their feet as well, looking alarmed. "EW! A BUG!"

The girls squealed.

Sasuke got up, looking heroic. "I'll kill it," he offered, walking nonchalantly over to the insect on the floor, notebook in hand. "Don't worry."

Sakura reflected that this must have been a very long time ago, back when Sasuke attempted to have a social life.

"STOP IT!" Little Sakura screamed, running past him to throw her hands over the bug. "It's just a grasshopper, it's not hurting anybody!"

"Ew, Sakura don't touch it!" Ino said. "It's dirty!"

"Leave it alone," Little Sakura said, scooping up the bug and taking it back to her desk. Ino scooted her stuff away to take the seat one over.

"Don't be such a girl," Sasuke said. "Ninjas kill things."

Sakura blushed as she put the bug in her pencil case. "Well..."

"Ninjas kill people," Hinata ventured quietly, picking up her stuff and moving to Ino's empty seat. "Not innocent little grasshoppers. It doesn't deserve to die."

"Yeah, that," Sakura said.

"We'll take it outside during recess," Hinata said to her. "That way we won't get in trouble."

Real Sakura looked at the little pink-haired girl before her, looking ready to cry. "I remember this..." she whispered. "I was so upset because Sasuke thought I was weak."

"Well, I'm certainly glad you've grown a backbone since then," Yukari said. "You'd be wicked boring to hang out with otherwise."

"But what does this..." Sakura looked around. Only one child had not stood up in the commotion, and that was Shino, sitting in the back of the class, next to the window. Funny, she had never paid any attention to him in school.

The scene changed to the playground, then. Sakura winced and looked around cautiously.

"What's with you?" Yukari asked.

"It's just... well... I was never very nice to Naruto when we were kids, and... I don't want to see him here...now that I know how lonely he was," She finished her survey of the playground. "I guess Iruka kept him and the other boys inside."

"Yeah, great, no guilt trip this time," Yukari said dismissively, "Now, where are you?"

"Over there," Sakura walked over to the edge of the grounds, where she was sitting next to a shrub, setting her grasshopper free.

"Do you think he'll be happy here, Shino-kun?" she asked the boy standing next to her. Real Sakura hadn't noticed him at first. She simply didn't pay much attention to Shino.

"Yes. It was good of you to save him. Most girls just squish them."

"We do not!" Sakura said. "Why does everyone think girls are weak? First Sasuke, now you–,"

"I don't think girls are weak," Shino said apologetically. "I just said that you usually squish bugs. Ino was ready to."

"Hmph," Sakura said. "She just wants Sasuke to save her from the big bad grasshopper."

"You like Sasuke, too, don't you, Sakura-san?" Shino asked, kneeling next to her. Sakura blushed.

"Well, I don't like it when he does stuff like that," she said slowly. She looked up, smiling. "But nobody's perfect... sometimes you have to correct the people you love."

Shino pushed his glasses back up on his nose. "...Yes, I suppose so."

The scene changed again, still the playground, only now it was getting dark, and the only person was an adult Sakura, sitting on the lone swing, sobbing.

"What's with you?" Yukari asked Real Sakura.

"How should I know?"

Shino (at least, it appeared to be Shino... he had a hood on that obscured most of his face, on top of his usual shape-masking jacket) warped out of the bushes and placed a hand on one of the chains of the swing. "Sakura..."

"H-hi, Shino," hiccupped the woman next to him.

"I just heard what happened."

"What happened?" Yukari and Real Sakura asked. Shino didn't answer them.

"Oh, you did, huh?" Sakura said, trying to hold back her sobs. "What did I do wrong? Why would he do something like that to me?"

"Do something like what?" Yukari asked.

"Who's 'he'?" Real Sakura asked.

Shino very gently touched Flashback Sakura's arm. "Please forgive me, I'm about to say something beyond my place," he said. "But... I have never thought you two were a good match."

"I love him, though," Sakura whimpered. Shino gulped (at least, he seemed to... it was difficult to tell under all the cloth). It seemed like he was working up the courage to say something... but, once again, with Shino, it was hard to tell.

"When we were young," he said, "you told me that sometimes you need to correct faults in the ones you love. And you two... often try to correct each other."

Sakura looked up at him, wiping away a few tears.

"But I can't agree with you," Shino went on. "Because I can't find anything to correct in you. You are not perfect, but I would never change anything about you. There is nothing about you that I would not miss. Every detail is part of you. I do not understand what he sees to change in you. I see lots to change in him, but I doubt anyone would ever succeed."

He pushed the swing gently, creating a subtle rocking motion, and began to walk away, Sakura staring after him.

"Shino–,"

Sakura woke up. _Wait, that's it?_

_You two got married and had a kid, what more do you want?_

_Who's the jerk who broke my heart?_

_The flashback's not about him, it's about Shino. Although, I would say that it was Sasu–_

_You be quiet! Sasuke would never hurt me!_

_Whatever, Sakura._

Sakura ground her teeth together and began to get dressed.

* * *

Her and Shino's house was moderately-sized, large but not impossibly so, and she was able to find her way to the kitchen with a minimum of trouble.

"Awake already? And dressed, too." Shino said. "After all that complaining..."

"I worried about leaving the baby with you too long," Sakura said, only half-joking. She looked at Shiori, sitting on Shino's lap and playing with the belt of his bathrobe. "I don't really know why," she said, not to Yukari, as planned, but to Shino. "You're too self-controlled to hurt her."

"You're just being a mother," Shino said. "Any female knows instinctively that men fail at childcare."

"And everything else, too," Sakura said. Shiori noticed her and stretched out her hands.

"Fair enough," Shino agreed, handing the child back to her mother.

_Oh, yeah!_ Sakura gloated mentally. _Queen bee! Who's on top now, Yukari?_

_Shino._ Yukari said.

_No, ME!_ Sakura snapped.

_Hmm..._ Yukari made a noncommital noise.

_You want to say something, Yukari?_

_I think Ino has already said it all._

_For the last time, yesterday wasn't—,_

"A very pretty day," Shino said. Sakura furrowed her brow at the non-sequitur, then noticed that he was looking out the window. Sakura wouldn't have agreed with him exactly on that; it was a pale, overcast, mildly depressing shade of gray outside.

"I suppose..." she said graciously.

"We should take Shiori out. It's not often that she gets both her parents home on the same day."

"It looks like it's going to rain," Sakura said doubtfully.

"It won't rain. It's cloudy, but not humid. She won't get sunburned today."

Sakura looked down at the little child. She was unusually pale, like her father. Sakura supposed Aburames just burned very easily. "All right. Won't hurt her to get a little fresh air."

Shino stood up, set his coffee in the sink, kissed Sakura on the forehead and touched Shiori's nose. "I'll get dressed."

This left Sakura alone with the baby again. She looked down at her. _She's really adorable, isn't she, Yukari?_

_I suppose, given that she–,_

A bug flew at Sakura's face, and she yelped again.

_—is a bug master in-training._

_She's still cute._ Sakura thought, somewhat defiantly this time. "My cute little bed-bug," she said to the child. "We're going on a little walk with Daddy, and I'm going to show all my friends how cute Shino's and my little baby is. Now, let's get you in the stroller."

She looked for the stroller. And looked for the stroller. And then she looked some more.

"Shino!" she called finally, knocking on the bedroom door. She didn't want to admit that she couldn't find something in her own house. "The stroller."

"I know, Sakura," Shino called back. "I'll be right there."

Sakura stood outside the door, feeling stupid. Shino didn't suffer fools gladly... and Sakura liked to think of herself as not a fool... as an anti-fool, able to balance out Team Kakashi against Naruto. She was intelligent. And resourceful. And sensible. The kind of girl, now that she thought about it, that Shino _would_ be attracted to. The kind of girl who could remember where she left her baby's stroller from day to day.

She was bright red from embarrassment when Shino emerged, wearing his typical knee-length jacket, fully zipped, with the hood up, and with his glasses on, so only his nose showed.

"I doubt you'll get sunburned on a day like today," Sakura said, forgetting her problem with the stroller.

"No, but they prefer the dark," Shino said indifferently. Sakura, inferring that "they" were the bugs, wanted to point out that this was ridiculous, because Shiori wasn't wearing half as much clothing as her father, but she decided that her husband's wardrobe was no different than Kakashi's mask; it was simply an idiosyncracy not worth arguing over. "Now," Shino said, "let's go, shall we?"

"Er..." Sakura was about to ask about the stroller once again, when a swarm of insects grabbed the baby out of her arms and hovered her above the ground.

Sakura shuddered. _It's normal, it's normal, it's normal. Everything is perfectly under control, it's normal..._ she thought over and over as Shino grabbed her hand and led her outside, the insect-carriage floating ahead of them.

Sakura realized, as they walked around town, that they were an unusual sight. As proud a first-time mother though she was (if you didn't count her brief pregnancy with Kakashi), she knew that the people staring at them were not all admiring their perfect little baby.

"Hello, there."

Sakura jumped at the voice next to her. Shino was not as concerned.

"Hi, Dad."

_Oh no!_ Yukari said. _Not another in-law who hates you!_

_My in-laws haven't hated me..._

_Er... Ino's parents._

_Ino's parents didn't hate me,_ Sakura said, _Her dad was freaked out because his daughter was married to someone hotter than his wife, did you SEE the way he was staring? And Ino and her mother are both high-maintenance drama queens, so they're always fighting like that. Nothing personal._

_Sakura, I think that was—,_

_All due respect, Yukari, I've known them since I was about two. I know._

_Whatever you say... Maybe you should be paying more attention to your current in-law._

_You're the one who distracted me to begin with–, _Sakura protested.

Shino's father, who looked very much like Shino did when he was younger and actually exposed some of his face in public, had wrapped an arm around Shino. This clearly embarrassed Shino.

"Hi, Dad," he said again, wiggling a little. Shibi smiled fondly at his son, which Sakura noticed, but doubted that Shino did.

"Are you kids busy today?" he asked.

"No, not at all," Sakura said politely.

"Why don't I buy you lunch, then?"

* * *

Konoha restaurants were used to bizarre customers, but the insects were not exactly welcome anyway, so Shiori had to settle for a high chair like a regular infant.

_She's such a well-behaved child,_ Yukari said as Shibi tried to feed some of his sandwich to his grandchild and Shino intervened. _She's so calm and easy-going._

_It must be an Aburame thing... Shino's always very self-possessed, you know. It certainly makes being a mother easier than I thought._

_And she never cries,_ Yukari said.

Shiori burst into tears.

Sakura sent Yukari a mental glare.

_What?_

_You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?_

Sakura picked up the baby and tried to silence her. They were in a very nice, quiet café, and the other patrons were looking mildly annoyed.

"Shh... shh..."

"Is she hungry?" Shino asked.

"Maybe..."

This wasn't the case. Also, her diaper didn't need changing, she didn't have a temperature (at least, according to Shino's bugs, who apparently monitored vital signs), and she didn't want to sleep. In fact, nothing seemed wrong with her at all, except that she was crying.

"It's probably colic," Shibi told them after they were forced to leave the restaurant.

"Colic?" Shino asked.

"Basically, it means that the baby cries for no reason for ten years solid. Shino had it when he was little," Shibi said. "It's nothing to worry about."

"It's nothing for you to worry about," Sakura said, still trying to consol the baby. "You don't have to live with a baby that won't stop crying."

"Oh, she'll probably stop in a few minutes."

* * *

Five hours later, Sakura and Shino were still taking turns holding Shiori in a futile attempt to get her to shut up. Shino had stripped off his jacket and sunglasses and Sakura had a bottle of aspirin and a pitcher of water next to her.

"Why don't you tell her about how you got your tattoo?" Sakura suggested. Mostly because she felt that the flashback had stiffed her this explanation.

"Why that story?"

"Because it's something, and the sound of your voice will calm her down. And I'll run to the liquor store and buy myself some brandy."

"No alcohol while you're nursing," Shino said.

"I was joking."

"No you weren't," Shino and Yukari said.

Shino rocked the baby. "All right, why don't I tell you about Daddy's single, solitary act of spontaneity." Shiori's sobs quieted a barely-noticeable degree. "Everything I've ever done I've done after serious deliberation... not to mention a good deal of input from the insects... they can be very nosey, Shiori. You'll understand when you're older. But I always get their opinion on everything, and think through everything before I do it. I was in love with your mother for years and years before I decided to talk to her."

Sakura smiled and downed another aspirin.

"But... well, long before I worked up the nerve to do that, she was dating another man."

Sakura thought he might identify this man, but Shino, apparently to spare her remembering, didn't give a name.

"When I found out about him, I was a little heart-broken, so Uncle Kiba took me out to get me out of my melancholy... And I decided, for the first time in my life, to do something random and unexpected. I decided to get a tattoo. So I argued with the bugs until they agreed to it, and Kiba and I picked out the design... and now I have a giant dragon across my back, shoulder, and chest. And it hurt quite a bit, but I can't say I regret it."

Shiori quieted. Sakura and Shino smiled at each other, then at her.

She started crying again.

"Oh, come on, baby," Sakura groaned, picking her up. She quieted once again, and a few moments later, she was asleep.

"I guess she had to tire herself out at some point," Shino said as they put her in her crib.

"I think your dad's crazy," Sakura said. "We should take her to the hospital tomorrow."

"Yes, probably."

Sakura wrapped her arms around Shino. "I'm sorry for breaking your heart and forcing you to get a tattoo that Kiba picked out."

"Sakura..." Shino hugged her and nuzzled her neck, which reminded her a little of her day with Kakashi... except without the mask. Or the morning sickness. "I won. I got you, and our daughter... What is past doesn't matter."

Sakura smiled. _How romantic!_

"Also, the bugs think the tat makes me look manly."

And it was on this mood-breaking note that Shino and Shiori vanished.

_You dealt with having a child much better than I thought you would,_ Yukari noted.

_What's that supposed to mean? I'm full of motherly instinct!_

_Coulda fooled me._

Sakura sent another glare at Yukari and prepared for another day... preferably one that wouldn't be spent with crying infants.


	13. Sakura of the Red Sand

The Fortune of Sakura of the Red Sand

Warning: Following chapter may contain a few more sex jokes than the norm. I think most SasoSaku shippers are pervs (I mean this in the best possible way), but I thought I'd give a head's up, anyway. (I'm really hoping that this chapter doesn't bump my rating...)

A/N: Well, as of 5/1/08, this story has 1000 reviews! Juniper11, the 1000th reviewer, will receive, as a token of my appreciation, this handsome Author's Note. Also a oneshot on the topic of her choice (ItaSaku).

By the way, I don't believe I've asked, is anyone interested in doing fanart for this story? My own drawing abilities leave much to be desired, and I'd love to see some other people's perspectives on these pairings. Send me a note if you're interested so I can link your picture to my profile. X3

(One final note, to several people: Sakura and Ino together is _not_ creepy. Sakura being held prisoner by Orochimaru and molested on a daily basis is creepy.)

* * *

_The bugs are right, you know,_ Yukari thought, _The tat does make him look manly._

_I suppose... I wonder if it hurt any of them when he got it. They live in his body, you know._

_They live..._ Yukari shuddered mentally. _That's so creepy._

Sakura, who was looking on Shino very favorably, was about to respond, but she noticed that her arm was behaving oddly. She opened her eyes.

Her hand, suspended by a thin blue thread held by another arm (this one not her own), was hanging in the air, above the head of the young man next to her.

Sakura watched, fascinated, as her fingers began to move and stretch gracefully in a mesmerizing dance.

_Cool._

_Sakura, maybe you should be more concerned about why your hand is doing that._

_But it's so pretty..._

_Yeah, but you're not the one doing it._

_Hmm... that is a bit creepy. _Sakura yanked her hand back to her side. The thread vanished, and the head next to her turned to face her.

"Hello, doll," he said, smiling through half-closed eyes. His arm lowered slightly, and Sakura's hand moved, once again on its own, to stroke his cheek.

_Ok, this __**is**__ a little freaky,_ Sakura thought, feeling the rough surface underneath her fingertips. It startled her not just because of her non-consensual movement, but because his skin felt different than it looked. It looked soft and warm, smooth, but instead it felt stiff and... well, _dead._ She withdrew her hand, but it moved out again, this time to his lips, which, when they kissed it, were just as unsettling as his cheek.

_How... bizarre. Who is this?_

_Sasori, from the Akatsuki._

_You're putting me on! Sasori's that big scorpion thing, with that tail, remember?_

_Guidebook says Sasori._

_Liar!_

_Fine! I know a little girl who's getting a flashback!_ Yukari snapped angrily.

Sakura once again found herself in a dimly-lit meeting.

"We don't know how to reattach it! I'm going to spend the rest of my life crippled!" one she recognized as Deidara exclaimed. "So much for the super-strong Akatsuki, yeah! What good is a collection of geniuses if there isn't a decent medic among them?!"

"Please, Deidara, you're panicking. Calm down. We understand your hand's importance to you, and we are trying to formulate a plan to restore it."

"Anyway, Dei-dei," the one sitting next to Deidara laughed. "You're always saying how art is temporary, your ability to create it should be temporary too!"

Deidara hit him with his detached arm. "Sasori, I'm about to make your life temporary!"

Sakura pointed at the bulky figure. "Look, Yukari, that is _not_ the man I woke up with this morning. His voice is completely different."

"Stop waving that arm around!" the fly-trap (Sakura now knew him as Zetsu) winced. "You're going to break it!"

"There's no need to refer to Deidara-kun's art as past tense," another shadowy figure (Itachi?) said quietly. "I know of someone skilled enough to help us. She lives in my home village."

Some of the figures started laughing. "We could never capture Tsunade, you crazy—,"

"No, not Tsunade-sama. Her apprentice, a young lady who is barely twenty, yet already rivals her master... Haruno Sakura."

Sakura tapped her foot against the changing ground. "So, Yukari... any chance of them showing me actually getting kidnaped, so I know how to avoid it?"

"Aw, you don't want to have three outlaws fighting for your affection?"

"Two outlaws, since I'm _not_ married to Sasori, anyway, Deidara's clearly not an option, and I could never betray Sasuke with Itachi."

Yukari laughed. "That's not what you said a few days ago."

"This isn't real life! It doesn't count!"

The scene had changed while Sakura and Yukari squabbled, to the hallway where Itachi and Kisame had discussed Itachi's imminent blindness during his particular flashback. Sasori, the large, scorpion-like structure, was there with them, waving his tail. Sakura pointed to him triumphantly.

"There, Yukari. May I present Sasori?"

"Give it a minute," Yukari said.

"I'll go talk to her," he growled.

"Yeah, good luck," Kisame laughed. "I'm sure she's dying to help out the friend of the creepy puppet-man, shark dude, and ex-Uchiha who kidnaped her in the dead of the night."

"Well, she's not going to change her mind if I don't talk to her," Sasori answered, scuttling away. "And I'll be damned if we broke into Leaf just to keep her overnight and let her off with a warning."

"Take that thing off before you talk to her! You'll scare her half to death!" Kisame called after it. Sasori waved its tail dismissively as it walked down the hall, which was beginning to fade into a new scene.

"Finally, something new," Sakura said, looking around the small, stark, cell-like room. The flashback version of her stood across from them, still wearing boxers and a camisole; she had clearly been asleep when she was captured. She was running her hands against the wall, apparently looking for a weak spot. Sakura didn't know why this would help; even if there was a weakened area, it would take a battering ram to burst through the wall.

Suddenly, the girl from the flashback's head snapped towards the door, and she curled into a fetal position in the corner just as the door opened, and the handsome young redhead from Sakura's morning walked in, wrapped in the Akatsuki's distinct uniform.

"See, that can't be Sasori," she told Yukari. "The question is who he really is."

"I know your face," the flashback Sakura growled. "Akasuna no Sasori."

The man smiled, his eyes remaining half-open for a lazy look. "Correct."

"Oh, snap," Yukari said as Sakura gaped.

"It is nice to know that I am more renown than some of my colleagues. Now," He raised a hand, and blue strings shot from his fingers and attached themselves to Sakura. "I'm sure you're wondering why you're here, Haruno Sakura."

The flashback Sakura glared as the strings pulled her to her feet, but walked forward at their bidding.

"My companion is in need of medical attention," he said, "And you seem to be the only woman for the job."

"Then he's out of luck, ain't he?" Sakura growled.

"You would refuse help to a wounded man?" Sasori asked. "Where are your morals?"

"In bed with your mom," Sakura snapped. Sasori pulled her closer.

"What manners... shouldn't you be more diplomatic with someone who can control your every motion?"

Sakura tilted her chin up to look at him and smiled coyly. "Go to hell, you puppeteering bastard," she said sweetly, punching him square in the jaw, which knocked him out of the doorway. Without wasting a moment, she shot down the hallway, but a rope wrapped around her from behind and suspended her mid-jump.

"It's true that my strings cannot hold up against active resistance. They were designed for puppets, not prisoners," Sasori said calmly. Sakura, Yukari, and the flashback Sakura hanging in the air turned towards his voice as he propped himself up on an elbow. His cloak had burst open, and all three women could see where the rope had originated; a compartment in his body where his intestines were supposed to be. "You have done some research on your S-ranks, haven't you? Or perhaps Konoha does not trust Suna as much as it claims to..."

"Wh-what are you?" the flashback Sakura gasped.

Sasori looked down at his exposed body and ran a finger over the strange cylinder where his heart should have been. "A more durable human, that's all."

"Human?" Sakura sneered. "Are you sure?"

"No, not really," Sasori sighed. He lowered Sakura to the ground. "But I do care very much for your would-be patient, and I would do anything to see him healed."

He lowered Sakura to the ground, and she made no move to run as the rope slipped off her body.

"Please, Sakura-san. It is a small favor."

"You think I would heal an enemy as a favor to _you_?" Sakura asked, although some of the scorn was gone from her voice.

"I can't desert my friend..." Sasori said. "I know we argue, but... I promised him that I would bring you, and I'm not going to break that promise."

Sakura stared at him for a long moment, then tossed her head. "Where is he?" she asked. Sasori pointed down the hall, and Sakura began walking the way he indicated. "All right, I'll have a look at him," she said over her shoulder. Sasori perked up. "But that doesn't mean I'll help him."

The scene cut to a small bedroom, not unlike Deidara's, but much more crowded. What little wall-space was not covered with shelves, armoires, and cupboards was plastered with medical drawings of human anatomy. The heavy curtains were drawn, but a lamp shone brightly from the desk where Sasori was sitting, surrounded by delicate tools, his cloak off. The bed was sandwiched between two bookshelves and contained a very comatose Sakura.

Sasori sighed and glanced over at her out of the corner of his eye, then picked up a small screw-driver and began attaching two puppet joints together. He set the tool down again, looked over at her once more, and then returned to his work for a few minutes.

"_Somebody_ forgot his Ridalin this morning," Sakura remarked to Yukari as he repeated this process a few times.

The Sakura on the bed began to groan, and Sasori turned his chair to face her at an angle.

"What happened?" Sakura asked, pushing the blankets off her body.

"You over-exerted yourself healing Deidara. He must be rubbing off on you; it is more effective to use a little energy each day and recover it at night, than to make yourself pass out and spend a few days in recovery. He is never very good with that sort of strategy."

"I do get carried away, sometimes," Sakura admitted. "But so do you... you're always obsessing over these puppets."

"It is difficult to maintain an army of puppets, even if I rarely use most of them."

"It's more than that," Sakura said. "You enjoy this... making your little people."

"I do," Sasori admitted. "I picked my specialty carefully... I am something of a natural at puppeteering, I suppose."

"Ya don't say," Sakura said, somewhat dryly. She seemed to be looking pointedly at his wooden body.

"Yes," Sasori missed the sarcasm. "When I was young, things seemed to change so rapidly... Creating puppets was a way to preserve something at its best, forever..." His finger twitched, and the little joint he was working on flexed. "You're right, Sakura. I did develop a sort of obsession for them. But all artists are a little obsessive, and the preservation of beauty is what art is truly about."

"Deidara would take issue with that," Sakura said.

"Yes, Deidara would..." Sasori smiled at his little dancing joint. "But I was talking to you, not Deidara. What do you think about art, Sakura?"

Sakura smiled. "I'm not an artist. I'm a medic. We don't think about things, we just fix them."

"You are an artist, in a way, though... you preserve human life."

"I'm a medic," Sakura said again. "Don't read too much into it."

"But that's what I do..." Sasori said. "You're still tired. Get some more sleep, little artist."

"This is a long-ass flashback," Yukari said as the scene changed again, to Deidara's room.

"I'm going to be out and about soon, right?" Deidara asked as Sakura wrapped a bandage around his reattached arm.

"Yes, you should be," Sakura said.

"I hear you've been staying in Sasori-danna's room, yeah..." Deidara said slyly. Sakura turned red.

"I had to sleep somewhere."

"Sure, Sakura..." Deidara smiled and let Sakura keep wrapping his arm. The smile grew after a moment. "He can't feel, you know."

"That's cruel, from someone he cares so much about," Sakura said.

"Oh, no, he has emotions, I know. I mean, he can't feel anything... his body isn't real. It's like making out with a block of wood, yeah."

"You know from personal experience?" Sakura asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Maybe..."

"We've already talked about it, for your information, and he can feel, a little."

"A little, un," Deidara echoed mockingly.

"Well, it is different, of course... and his nerves aren't as sensitive as a regular human's, and he doesn't get the same sensations, but..."

"You're ok with that? Someone who will never be able to feel you in his arms, who won't care when you kiss him?"

"Of course I am."

Deidara grinned. "I _thought_ you two were in love, yeah."

* * *

Sakura woke up again. _What does he mean, he can't feel?_

_He's a puppet,_ Yukari said. _How much feeling do you expect him to have?_

_I didn't expect him to be a puppet at all! I demand a human husband._

_Bug boy was ok, but puppet-man isn't?_

_Shino's HUMAN._

Those rough, dead lips kissed her. "Something wrong, Sakura?"

"You don't have to kiss me..." she said, opening her eyes.

"Oh, this again," he sighed, blinking his eyes. They were very clear, golden. Sakura wondered if they were real or glass. "I enjoy kissing you, you know."

"Even if you don't feel it?"

"Doll," Sasori stroked her cheek, "How many times do I have to tell you?" He kissed her. "I love you." He kissed her again. "I know that we don't have the most intimate relationship... but that'll change. Promise."

Sakura sighed patiently. She reminded herself of Deidara, Itachi, Gaara, and her various other misadventures. A puppet still trumped Orochimaru. And Gai. Definitely better than Gai. "You promise?"

"I'm working on it. This may come as a surprise to you, but it's no small feat to make a body anatomically correct."

"Anatomically-," Sakura started to gasp, but Sasori cut her off with another kiss.

"I didn't expect to need certain things until I met you," he said.

_Oh, Yukari... too much information!_

Yukari cracked up. _You're married to a Ken doll..._

_What?_

_Never mind._

Sasori pulled her up with the chakra threads. "We should get going... they'll eat all the donuts."

"Oh, right."

* * *

"Sakura-sa-an!" Sakura winced as she picked up a donut. She knew that voice all right. Sasori winced, as well.

"Here we go," he muttered to her, picking up a donut. Sakura wondered, briefly, why a human-puppet that couldn't even feel his own kisses would need to eat donuts, but whatever. "Good morning, Deidara."

"Good morning, Sasori-danna. You're always in a better mood after you get your morning sugar, yeah."

Sasori looked at his donut, then at Deidara. "I haven't had any sugar yet."

Deidara winked. "Not that kind of sugar, right, Sakura-san?"

Sakura narrowed her eyes at him. "Not really any of your business, is it, Deidara?"

"I'm only teasing," Deidara said with a smile. "But, then, I can understand being uptight... married a whole year and no sex, it'd make anyone a little grouchy, yeah."

"Deidara!" Sasori snapped, attaching his donut to a chakra thread and whipping it at his partner angrily.

"Just saying, you should treat a girl like Sakura right, Sasori. A woman has needs, you know," Deidara shrugged, grabbing the donut out of the air and walking off with it. Sasori sighed and leaned against the counter.

"But I try..." he whispered to himself.

_Aw... poor little impotent Pinocchio_, Yukari sighed.

Sakura wrapped an arm around his jointed shoulders. "You do just fine. Deidara just has trouble wrapping his brain around the idea of a relationship without sex, as do most people who have never had a good relationship."

_Like you?_ Yukari asked.

_You shut up!_ Sakura snapped back._ I'm trying to comfort my husband!_

"He's right, though," Sasori said quietly. "You need a man, someone like you... unless... " He turned to her, little eager glints in his half-opened eyes. "You became a puppet like me."

Sakura smiled, but Sasori didn't seem to be joking. He stood up, navigating her away from the counter so he could pace around her, inspecting her. "I could do it, you know. It would not be half as difficult as it was to change myself..." His hand touched her waist gently as he circled behind her. Sakura turned her head, keeping her eyes on him.

_Yukari, why does everyone in the Akatsuki have to be clinically insane?_

"We would be the same, perfect, unchanging, together... And it would be a joy to work on a body as beautifully proportioned as you are, Sakura, to preserve you like this..." Dead, leathery fingers stroked her neck for a moment. "Of course, you haven't trained as a puppet master. You wouldn't be able to control an artificial body," his voice was behind her, right at her ear. His arms wrapped around her body, pinning her own arms to her sides. "So I would have to control you, instead."

Sakura gulped as he kissed her neck. His nerves weren't as sensitive as a human's, could he tell how badly scared she was? "Sasori..."

"Mmm?"

"Sasori," Kisame came to her rescue, slipping past the two of them to get to the donut box. "How many times do we have to tell you, 'no, I don't want to be a puppet, thanks' means 'no, she doesn't want to be a puppet'? Why don't you finish turning yourself into a sex toy so you two can get your jollies at the same time, instead of making her hyperventilate?"

"Sakura knows that I would never turn her without permission," Sasori said without releasing her. Kisame rolled his eyes and looked over at Sakura, who managed a weak, shaky grin. "I just want her to know that the offer still stands."

Sakura released her breath. He was still beating Deidara's ideas of art and love... but not by much.

"Anyway, the process is painful, and I don't think I could stand to see her in pain," he added. "So for now, it looks like you'll just have to stay my little doll," he whispered.

Kisame looked at the donut he had just picked up, then at Sasori and Sakura, and lowered the donut back into the box. "Why do I even bother trying to get breakfast here?" he muttered to himself as he left.

* * *

Aside from the puppet scare, things went pretty smoothly with Sasori. Well, except for the fact that she couldn't quite get used to the way his skin felt. And that his joints clicked when he moved. And that he had a tendency to jerk her around with his strings to get her attention. She decided that spending all your time with puppets was not a good way to develop social skills.

"Sasori-danna," Deidara strolled into their bedroom, where Sakura and her husband were piecing together what appeared to be a cross between an arm and a model airplane. "Mind if I work in here with you? Tobi won't stop bugging me, yeah."

"Sure."

Deidara pushed some limbs off of the bed, sat down, and pulled out a bag of clay. "Why are you messing around with those arms, un? Shouldn't you be working on those _updates_ Sakura wants?"

Sakura turned red and concentrated on the tiny screwdriver she was working with.

"I would be," Sasori said casually, "But _somebody_ blew up my favorite poly-limbed puppet yesterday, and I need to have it repaired immediately. By the way, no setting those things off in here."

Deidara looked at the little centipede in his hand. "Of course not, un. I'll take them outside after dark, yeah. The effect is better that way. And anyway, Tobi would hear them."

"You should be nicer to Tobi, Deidara," Sakura said. "He's a good boy."

"So he's told me, yeah," Deidara muttered. "You should be meaner to Sasori-danna, Sakura. He's always going to put his work before pleasure if you don't put the pressure on. You're too good to him."

"I'll have it done by our anniversary," Sasori muttered.

"Excuses, excuses. Why are you curled up in here working on some weapon for some future battle when you've got a beautiful, loving woman sitting next to you right now, yeah? Try living in the moment for once, it's a lot more enjoyable."

"And it's a lot less practical. What's the point of slacking off today and then getting caught off-guard and killed tomorrow? I want to be with Sakura for a long time."

"Life is uncertain, you should enjoy while you've still got it."

"The only reason you've still got yours is because I'm the one looking to the future for you," Sasori countered.

Deidara clucked his tongue. "Married to this prude for almost a year now, Sakura, and you still haven't gotten any action, yeah. You know, you haven't consummated it, you can get the marriage annulled..."

"Deidara!" Sasori snapped.

"She's got the right to know her options, un," Deidara laughed.

Sakura smiled and leaned over the desk, pecking Sasori lightly on the cheek, ignoring her impulse to shudder at the texture. "I think I'll stick it out for a little longer, Deidara." _A few more hours, anyway. It's not like he's causing me much trouble._

Sasori smiled at her, then looked over at the man on his bed as if to say "ha. I win."

"You brave woman," Deidara said. "No sex and he makes you work on his little toys, but you still stick by him, yeah."

"I enjoy it," she said honestly. "I like working with my hands." She smiled. She wasn't sure why, but Sasori and Deidara reminded her of Sasuke and Naruto. Possibly because they argued all the time. She remembered Sasori's pleading on Deidara's behalf during the flashback. It had been a very Naruto/Sasuke thing to say. No wonder she had agreed to help.

"Well, if you want to put them to really good use," Deidara said, "You could oil up your hubby's joints for him. They're squeaking, and it's driving me nuts, yeah."

Sasori looked over at her. "Are they really, Sakura?"

"Yeah, a little," Sakura said bashfully.

Sasori sighed and set down the puppet pieces he was holding. "I don't even notice anymore... here," He sent a thread out and grabbed some machine oil from a shelf. "Might as well deal with that now."

Sakura blinked at the oil on the table before her. "C-can't Deidara do this?"

"Oh, that's right, you haven't done it before, yeah," Deidara said. "Well, you should learn, you know. What if you're in bed together, and he starts squeaking? I'm not gonna wake up and help you, yeah. Especially if the part that's creaking is-,"

"All right!" Sakura hurried to interrupt; she wasn't sure she wanted to know how that sentence ended. "I'll do it."

"It's not hard," Sasori said, stretching out his hand in front of her. "See where the joints connect? Just squirt a little in each of them... See, like that. The knees are a little trickier, there's a panel you have to open... I'll show you."

Sakura gulped.

_What's wrong?_ Yukari asked. _You didn't have a problem breast-feeding. This is like oiling your bike._

_I know, but... but... it's like doing surgery. Dangerous, last-minute surgery that could leave the patient crippled, but you don't have any anaesthesia or the right tools, and there's no way to sterilize the ones you do have, and you don't know what you're doing._

_I think Sasori here knows what he's doing, Sakura. I doubt you're going to cripple him._

_I know, but that's what it feels like._

Sasori lifted a panel on his knee, exposing a series of complex gears. He flexed his leg. "Just put a few drops on the ones that move," he instructed.

Sakura obeyed gingerly. "You can't do this yourself?"

"It's much easier when someone helps out. Deidara, we would get done faster if you helped."

"I'd love to," Deidara said, gathering up his little clay creations, "but I'm in the middle of an artistic breakthrough, so I'm off to my room for more clay. But you two have fun, yeah. Oh, and Sasori-danna? That anniversary that you're going to be ready for? It's tomorrow."

"He just doesn't want to do it because he almost died the last time," Sasori told her. Sakura went a little green at this news.

"Almost.. Di-died?"

"He oiled the wrong thing and my wings went flying out at him," Sasori shrugged, twisting over in his chair. "I don't think you'll have that problem; you've got a much better knowledge of human anatomy than Dei-Dei. Ok, the spine's pretty easy, see that little hole next to the nape of my neck?"

"Um..." Sakura brushed his hair back, her hands shaking. "I- I think..."

_OK, I understand why you're scared, now,_ Yukari said.

* * *

"How many joints do you _have_?" Sakura groaned as she opened her second can of oil to get started on Sasori's feet.

"The same number as you have... At least it only has to be done once a year or so. Careful!"

Sakura jerked backward.

"That's the toe with the poisoned needle in it... I'll do that one myself. Poor doll, you'd've done better to marry an old rich guy and take care of him."

"Stop that," Sakura said, leaning back on her heels. "You're not so hard to take care of. I mean, you could be a half-blind, repressed, tormented soul that needs constant reassurance of my love to function."

"Are you sure I'm less trouble than Itachi?" Sasori said, using those damn threads to pull her onto his lap.

"I wasn't going to say any names, but..." Sakura let her head rest against his chest. "That's who I meant, yes."

Sasori touched her hair lightly, and Sakura didn't shudder this time, although she did make a note to wash her hair before this reality was up. She traced the white cylinder over his heart absently, only to have him flinch away. He made some kind of noise that sounded almost like a repressed giggle.

_Yukari, what was that?_

_Sounds like he's ticklish._

_He can't be, he can't feel..._

_Sure seems like he felt that._

_Hmm..._ She considered the little contraption she had her hand on. _Is this..._

The door opened and Deidara darted in. "Danna, you've got to hide me," he whispered urgently. "He's trying to-, Sasori-danna!"

Sakura sat upright, turning red. "We weren't doing anything! Anything!"

Deidara grinned slyly at her. "Oh, really?"

"What are you doing in here?" Sasori asked.

"Oh, right. You've got to hide me, because Tobi is trying to-,"

"Sempai!"

The door burst open, and Deidara mouthed what appeared to be a very obscene word.

"Deidara-sempai! There you are!" Tobi exclaimed. "I wanted to see your art!"

"Tobi, you obnoxious, moronic little-,"

Sakura stood up quickly. "I want to see your art, too, Deidara. Is it dark out yet? Let's go out and see what you can do."

Deidara actually looked happy. "R-really?"

Sasori drummed his newly-oiled fingers against the table. "I think I'll sit this one out, but you three have fun."

"You're just jealous because Sakura-san likes my art better, yeah," Deidara said, sticking out the tongue in one of his hands.

_What's with you?_ Yukari asked.

_I don't want this day to end with me as the innocent victim of Deidara's attempt to kill Tobi._

_Fair enough,_ she conceded as Tobi grabbed one of Sakura's hands and Deidara grabbed the other, and the two of them lead her outside.

"You haven't been outside all day, have you, Sakura-san?" Tobi asked her as she looked up at the night sky.

"No, I haven't, Tobi."

"Sasori doesn't let her have much fun, yeah," Deidara said.

"I just didn't get out today, that's all!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's show you some real art, yeah."

Tobi let go of her to clap his hands. "Yay! Fireworks!"

Deidara glared at him. "It's _art_."

"That goes 'splody," Tobi said.

Deidara pursed his lips together, but didn't comment. He opened the bag at his waist to release some of the little bugs he had been making in Sasori's room.

"Whoa!" One tried to crawl across Sakura's arm, and she ripped it off and tossed it into the distance. "Hey, now, let's put these things a safe distance from the viewing audience, ok? The exhibition isn't called 'Tobi and Sakura On Fire', now."

"Oh, Sakura-san," Deidara patted her cheek. "It's perfectly safe. They won't go off until I give the signal. I wouldn't hurt you, yeah."

Sakura rolled her eyes.

"All right, stand back, yeah," Deidara formed his hands into a seal. "_Katsu!_"

The sculptures exploded. Tobi clapped, and a series of unintelligible swearwords issued from the entrance to the Akatsuki lair.

"I'm trying to get my beauty sleep here, you freakin' _artist_!"

"Shut up, Hidan, you're ruining the moment, yeah!"

"You and your pyromania is ruining my mother-loving life!" snapped a blond man Sakura recognized from her day married to Itachi, emerging from the shadows in a bathrobe. Tobi picked up a clay ant that was scurrying across his feet and began playing with it.

"It's barely eight o'clock, why are you in bed?" Deidara yelled back. "Don't you have evening prayers to go do or something?"

"Like I could pray in the middle of this damn racket, seriously!"

"Will you two please be quiet?" a quiet voice asked as Deidara and Hidan began to square off. Sakura and the two combatants turned around to see Itachi leaning in the doorway. "Kisame is sleeping, you know."

"What's _he_ doing asleep this early, yeah?"

"He should expect to be woken up, seriously!"

Itachi continued to gaze impassively at the two men bearing down on him. "Apparently he was traumatized this morning when Sasori and Sakura started making out in front of him when he innocently tried to get a donut. I've been nursing him back to sanity."

"That's a bit of an ironic job for you, don'tcha think?" Hidan laughed. Itachi blinked at him.

"I don't see how, no," Itachi said, turning on his heel and walking back into the lair.

Hidan turned back to Deidara. "Come on, let's go in, seriously."

Deidara grinned. "Fine, but first..." he began to form his hands into the seal, which Tobi only just noticed in time.

"Wait, sempai! I've got-!"

"_Katsu!_"

* * *

Sakura limped back into Sasori's room, covered in soot and with slightly-singed bangs. "Honey, I'm home," she declared to her husband, who was sitting sideways at his desk, with his back to her. His head spun all the way around to look at her.

"Hmm... Deidara's 'art' always looks the same to me," he said simply. "I was hoping he would keep you a little longer... I'm not done..."

"Done with what?" Sakura looked at the clothes on the floor. "Are you naked?"

"Well, about that... Tomorrow _is_ our anniversary, you know-,"

Sakura nodded.

"And I _did_ promise you that I would be done fixing our... er... marital problems by then... and..." He stood up and turned to face her.

_Oh my_, Yukari gasped. Sakura lost feeling in her legs and sunk against the wall.

Sasori was now anatomically correct, and _very_ capable of intimacy.

"What do you think? I can make other sizes, if you'd like, but I thought, for a pilot run-,"

"It- It's-," Sakura stammered. Yukari burst into laughter. "That's great, dear..."

"Something wrong?" He made Sakura walk closer to him; those stupid chakra threads would drive her insane.

Sakura thought quickly. "Oh, nothing, just... I would have liked children..."

"I'm sorry we can't do that," he said, wrapping an arm around her as she got close. "But I doubt I would have made a very good father, anyway... and we've got Deidara and Tobi."

Sakura nodded. "Very true. But... well, you won't get anything out of it."

"That's not true! I love Dei and Tobi, even if they drive me nuts-,"

"No, I... Um..." Sakura blushed like crazy, especially as he was holding her very closely, and, well... "I meant, you won't get any pleasure out of us... erm..."

"Oh, that..." Sasori kissed her. "Sakura, the kissing, the cuddling... I do that for you. I like seeing you happy, doll."

"Right, but..." Sakura traced her fingers around where his heart should have been... correction, where his heart was. He gasped. "There are places on you that are more sensitive, aren't there?"

"Ah! Yes!"

Sakura grinned. "Just as I thought..."

"Ok, ok, you've found my weakness-!" he giggled as she kissed the skin around his heart. "Now- ah!-what? Do we take this to the right about five feet?"

Sakura looked over to her left (his right). About five away was their bed. "Er-,"

_Too late, day's up_, Yukari said as the scene blanked out.

_Oh thank God! I'm not sure I'm ready for anything that kinky,_ Sakura breathed a sigh of relief. _Whew, are puppetmasters ever __**creepy**__!_

* * *

A/N: This is the longest chapter thus far, which means that you're not allowed to complain about how long it took me to update this time. :-)

Credit where credit's due: took the heart idea from a SasoDei doujinshi by Laira87 on DeviantArt. I usually have a problem with smutty Sasori stuff, because he's... well... not a real boy, but she made it work really well.


	14. Sakura of the Plain Old Sand

The Fortune of Sakura of the (Regular-Color)Sand

A/N: There's now a poll on my profile concerning the rating; please go check it out!

Regardless of how the poll ends, _THIS_ CHAPTER IS RATED M for more sexual humor. Nothing worse than the previous chapter. I'm a perv. (Don't let this affect your vote, however. I can write fluff as well as the next girl.)

I really regret not watching the episodes of Shippuuden with Sasori in them before writing his chapter. It would have helped tremendously. (All I remember of him from the manga is that he and Sakura fight for about nine million chapters without any conclusion in sight.) And oh my god. His parents! I don't usually cry during deaths in anime, but I _bawled_.

— —

_It was a very life-like representation,_ Yukari mused as they began the next day. _He's really got a talent when it comes to-_

_All right, that's information enough from you,_ Sakura muttered, opening her eyes. Her husband for the day was tan, dark, and handsome, with muscular features and chocolate-brown hair. Sakura smiled. _Quite a catch..._

_Aren't you in the least bit concerned that you don't recognize him?_ Yukari asked.

_Well, I would have been, but the last person that I recognized off the bat was Ino... it usually doesn't end up well for me. On the other hand, I didn't recognize Shino or Sasori, and they turned out fine, so I'm not going to stress about it._

_I have the guidebook, if you'd like to know-_ Yukari said as Sakura leaned over to kiss her sleeping husband.

_Psh, guidebook. As long as he's not a puppet, I'm fine with whoever this is._ Her lips brushed against his forehead, and she pulled back suddenly.

_Something wrong?_

_His skin... feels..._

_Dead and puppet-like?_ Yukari cackled.

_No... like..._ Sakura leaned over once more to kiss him, brushing her hands against his cheeks as she did so. Sure enough, the skin began to crumble.

"Sand...?" she whispered, brushing the grainy substance away. Her hands hit against something more solid, like wood. She was about to unearth whatever it was when she heard the all-too-familiar clicking of puppet joints and four unnaturally long and thin arms wrapped around her, pinning her to the grinning, sandy puppet she had originally mistaken for a handsome man.

_Yukari, I HATE puppet masters,_ Sakura growled to her guide as the puppet picked her up began to make its way out of the bedroom. She struggled, but it was more of a token gesture; escaping from an enemy who can't feel pain was all but impossible.

_Can I tell you who it is, now?_ Yukari asked.

_Yes, fine,_ sighed Sakura, giving up on escaping from her husband's little toy.

_Kankuro. You know, your first guy's brother._

_And I thought Gaara was the only creep in their family. What happened to Nat?_

_Who?_

_The woman he was married to back when Gaara and I were together. Remember? They had a bunch of kids and they'd been dating since they were twelve or something obscene like that._

_Oh, her. Nah, they broke up years ago._

_But..._ The puppet tried to carry her through a partially-opened door and banged her thigh against the doorframe. "Ouch!"

Kankuro, or at least the man the puppet had been imitating, stood next to the door, smiling. "Oh, sorry, Sakura." He flicked his wrist and the puppet set her down and flew over to a chair in the corner to sit. "Just thought I would be a little different today." He grabbed her and pulled her into a kiss, but Sakura wasn't having any of it. She pushed him away and took a deep breath, preparing to harangue him.

"Different! Are you crazy?"

"I thought you like surprises," Kankuro said along with Yukari.

"In what universe is that a romantic surprise?!" Sakura shrieked.

"Crow loves you, Sakura," her husband crooned, apparently trying to be seductive.

"Oh, really? The puppet loves me?" Sakura evaded Kankuro as he tried to wrap his arm around her again. "Have you been taking your pills like we talked about?"

_But he's not on any pills,_ Yukari said uncertainly.

_It was sarcasm, Yukari. You're not the only one who's capable of it, you know._

"Don't be mean to Crow, Sakura, he's saved my life many, many times. And, well... you know what I want for our anniversary, my dear flower..." Kankuro winked at her, and Sakura felt a distinctive sinking feeling.

_Yukari? What does Kankuro want for our anniversary?_

_Well..._ Yukari burst into hysterical laughter. _He, uh... hahaha, oh, wow, Sakura you sure can pick 'em._

_Your potion picks them! _Sakura snapped once again. _And spit it out already!_

_Hmm... What's the best way to word this for your sensitive little ears?_ Yukari thought wickedly. _He'd like... well, for–_

_Yukari..._ Sakura thought testily.

_He was hoping that Crow over there could get in on some of the bedroom action._

_WHAT?_ Sakura gagged inwardly. _He wants– What the hell is wrong with him?_

_Puppet masters are kinky, what can I say?_

Sakura shook her head violently to clear out images Yukari had planted there and focused on Kankuro once more. "How about a box of chocolates or something?"

"Please? It's perfectly safe; I can take all the weapons out of him in no time-,"

"No wonder Nat left you," Sakura said. Kankuro looked at her blankly.

"Who?"

_Sakura, that was years ago, I doubt he still remembers her._

_He had six kids with her!_

_Different reality; I'd like to point out that you've also been married to his brother... as well as Sasuke's brother, two of Sasuke's brother's friends, your teacher, your teacher's rival, your teacher's rival's student, your best girl friend, and the rest of the world. _

_You shut up._

_That's what a psychic guide does. Helps you with your options for the future._

_Help? By going for snack cakes without telling me? _Sakura thought sarcastically.

"So," Kankuro got sick of waiting for an answer to his question and decided to simply change the subject. "Wanna run down to the market and get some food?"

— —

When Sakura pictured a desert marketplace, the word _bazaar_ was always what came to mind. Everyone knew that desert towns didn't have proper street vendors like they had in Konoha; they had odd open stalls, hung with sandy cloth to keep out the sun, they sold all kinds of exotic (and sometimes disgusting) goods, they were crowded, filled with people from all parts of the world, all haggling and shouting in different languages. It was a dangerous, exciting, foreign place. Granted, Sakura had never been to a desert marketplace... but she knew. That was simply How It Was.

So she was mildly disappointed by the tameness of the open-air market Kankuro lead her to for fresh fruit. Yes, it was very sandy, as per her imagination, and yes, the people were dressed differently from a Konoha citizen, but for the most part they wore the standard desert garb; a long dark robe and a beige wrap. It was no more crowded than a typical morning in Konoha, and she didn't hear _one _foreign tongue haggling. Not so much as an accent. Granted, there were a few camels for sale, and some of the foods would have been considered exotic in Konoha, but the stalls were not exactly teeming with strange and wondrous riches from the furthest corners of the earth.

_Well, duh, Sakura. This is a shinobi village, not a merchant city. With the security you have to go through to get here, not to mention it's purposefully located in a difficult-to-reach area, it's simply not a conductive location for a trading center. There are plenty of port towns along Wind's coast; if you want shopping, try one of them._

_Wow... you sure know a lot about this stuff._

_I own a traveling fortuneteller's hut, darling. This kind of info is my bread and butter._

_It's just weird to hear you sounding smart, I guess._

_Excuse me?_

"Sakura, do these oranges look ripe to you?"

Sakura picked up an orange from the cart Kankuro was standing over. "Yeah, I'd say so..."

"Oh, good... let's pick up about four, and then..." Kankuro stopped mid-sentence and turned the next cart. "Is it fig season already?" he gasped, picking up one of the delicate little fruits. "Awesome! Here, let's get half a pound of these and some lamb and we'll have something cheap, easy, and fresh for dinner."

_Figs? Lamb? Cheap and easy?_ Sakura thought to Yukari. _Does he have any idea how much lamb costs? And I've never even SEEN a fresh fig before, a whole half-pound of them must be..._

_Sakura, you're in a completely different region; lamb and figs are easier to come by than a lot of other foods._

_Oh... yeah. Still!_

"I don't know the first thing about cooking with figs," Sakura said. "I do rice balls."

Kankuro laughed and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her close to him. "I know, I know... you're such a Leaf..."

"But I can't just whip up something with lamb-,"

"Sakura, Sakura, Sakura," Kankuro kissed her, and it only took a second for Sakura to get over the embarrassment of this public display of affection. "No matter how many times you ask, I'm not going to teach you, because I absolutely will not have you slaving away over a hot stove every night."

_Kankuro cooks,_ Yukari explained.

_Really?_ Sakura asked.

"You stick to your special occasion hamburgers," he said, tweaking her nose a little as he released her. "I'll never be able to make them as well as you, anyway."

_Hell, Yukari, a guy who likes to make lamb for me... maybe it's worth gettin' it on with the puppet._

_I'd say. Any sure-fire singles ad has the phrases 'tall, dark, and handsome' and 'enjoys cooking for two'._

Sakura smiled. "All right... I can live with that. We should pick up some bread while we're out here."

"Always, dear."

— —

It was not such a bad life, Sakura thought to herself as she and Kankuro sat on their roof, peeling oranges for each other and munching on freshly-baked bread. She could overlook the puppet kink... it wasn't like she ever actually agreed to do it or anything.

"Hmm... Sakura, I'm so lucky to have you," Kankuro whispered as he popped an orange section into her mouth. "I remember, when... after that attack, when I was in the hospital, I could barely stay conscious, and all I could think was that I had failed, that Gaara was going to die, and I was going to die, and Temari wouldn't even be home until it was too late... I was so miserable... but you showed up. I hardly remember, just that there was this compelling, reassuring presence... and pain, but I knew I was going to be alright... and then you brought Gaara back to us, as well."

_Yukari?_ Sakura inquired as Kankuro gazed at her, his dark eyes distant but somehow looking straight at her.

_You two hooked up after some Akatsuki attacked Sand and snagged Gaara, and they needed to send in reinforcements from Leaf. Kankuro here got hurt and you patched him up._

_Oh... well, that makes sense._

"I thought that I wasn't going to live long enough to say goodbye to my sister... I never thought that I'd be alive to sit on the roof on nice mornings and have breakfast with an angel like you."

Sakura blushed. "Angel is definitely one I don't hear much."

Kankuro smiled at her; Kankuro smiled almost constantly. Not like Sai, who smiled like it was a painful duty, but because he was always amused by something. "You're not the sweet, innocent, motherly angel most people want. You're my kind of angel... the kind who sweeps in and yells at you and then fixes your mess and hugs you."

Sakura smiled back at him as he placed his hand over hers against the ceiling ledge they were using as a table. "Oh, Kankuro... I love you, too. I'm not going to have sex with your puppet for you-," Kankuro's face fell, confirming Sakura's suspicion that his little heartfelt confession had an ulterior purpose. "But I still love you."

"Aw, come on, Sakura, it'll be good, I promise."

_Tell him he needs to get to work,_ Yukari said.

"Shouldn't you be going to work right about now?" Sakura asked.

"I almost forgot..." Kankuro smiled and began to clean up the remnants of breakfast. "I'd be fired in a minute if I didn't have you..."

_Yukari, what does Kankuro do?_

_Gaara got him a cushy government job on the Suna board._

"I'll leave you and Crow alone to get to know each other better," Kankuro said slyly, climbing down the ladder that lead back into their house.

"Like hell you are!" Sakura snapped, following him. "I'm going with you!"

_You do realize that Crow's not going to move without Kankuro around, right?_

_I don't care,_ Sakura informed her, grabbing her purse off the hall rack.

— —

"Well, look who decided to show up to work today," a young Sand ninja quipped to his partner as Kankuro and Sakura through the hallway of the Kazekage's office.

"And look who decided to show up with him," the other one smirked, growling suggestively at Sakura. Kankuro twitched his arm protectively, but Sakura held him back before he could make an actual movement.

"What's your name, tiger?" she asked the offender, wrapping an arm around his neck and smiling wickedly at him.

"Uh... Jirou, Miss," he stammered, not sure if he was incredibly lucky, or just the opposite. He kept eyeing Kankuro apprehensively. Sakura used her free arm to turn his head so he was looking at her.

"Ah, Jirou... Did you know that I'm a medic? I have a very _advanced_ knowledge of the human anatomy..." The young man looked at her, uncertain of where she was going with this, but hopeful. Sakura lowered her voice to a growl. "And that means that I know how to pluck your eyes_ right out of your head_ before you can so much as twitch. And, Jirou, that's not the _only_ thing that I know how to hurt. So no more hitting on married women now, mmkay?"

"O-okay, Ma'am."

Sakura patted his cheek and released him. "See you boys around."

Kankuro was grinning as he kissed her on the cheek and led her down the hall. Behind them, Sakura could hear Jirou's friend laughing at him.

Kankuro stopped at a pair of heavy wooden doors and pulled them open to reveal a meeting already in progress. A round table full of serious-looking men turned to face them.

"Oh, look who decided to show up," Gaara, decked out in his official Kazekage robes, drawled. Kankuro smiled bashfully as he took the one remaining seat.

"Sorry I'm so late, guys-,"

"No you're not," a man Sakura almost recognized interrupted him.

_Yukari?_

_His name's Baki, he's Kankuro's old teacher... Gaara has also set him up with a cushy government job... man, talk about nepotism._

"Now shut up," Baki continued. Sakura noticed that Gaara's lips twitched like he was biting back a grin. "We're trying to run a village here. Kazekage-sama, you were saying?"

Gaara nodded once and picked up the paper in front of him. "We were discussing changing the curriculum of the academy to include basic medical jutsu, so that more-," Gaara suddenly looked up and noticed that nobody but Kankuro, Baki, and Sakura were paying attention to him. The rest of the council were staring at Sakura, who was still standing in the doorway, unsure where to go next.

"Sakura? Do you want to sit down?" Gaara asked. At least four men immediately sprang to their feet to offer her their chairs.

_I feel so... attractive,_ Sakura thought to Yukari.

_I think it has a lot to do with the fact that you have real nice legs and you're wearing real short shorts... I don't think they're typical desert attire._

_No kidding... I don't even want to tell you where I've got sand from wearing this outfit on the street._

_And these gentlemen also aren't used to having a village leader with breasts big enough to warrant their own zip code, so they might not be as good at staring furtively._

Gaara glared warningly at the men standing and stretched out his hand. A chair came scooting out of the shadows at the edge of the room, pushed by a small flurry of sand, and settled next to Kankuro. Sakura noticed, as she sat down, that there were, in fact, several spare chairs piled against the wall in case of extra attendees. She also noticed that the men were very quick to return to their chairs and act as thought they were paying rapt attention to the agendas in front of them.

"Ahem," Gaara cleared his throat once more, and this time everybody turned to him immediately. "As I was saying, we want to start teaching basic medical jutsu at the elementary level, along with other basic techniques, so that no squad will be without any medical training, and also to save the hospital some time when it comes to training new medics. Sakura, I was wondering if you had prepared that list of basics yet."

Sakura looked from him to Kankuro to the other council members. "I, well, not-,"

Kankuro raised his hand. "Oh, I forgot to ask her."

Gaara turned to Sakura without comment. "Sakura, allow me to rephrase; since you're going to be in charge of the new medical program, could you please come up with a list of basic techniques that schoolchildren will be able to master? And also, since you're here, do you mind taking notes for your husband? He's got a memory like a sieve."

"Only because I'm so used to repressing childhood memories, brother," Kankuro said as Sakura dutifully retrieved a pen from her purse.

Gaara flashed Kankuro a grin, the kind that had made Sakura break into a cold sweat when she was married to him. Kankuro took the expression as a normal, human one, however, and grinned right back in return. Baki smiled a little, as well, but the other councillors seemed to have the same nervous reaction as Sakura did. It made Sakura feel a little more at ease to not be the only one uncomfortable.

The meeting was standard enough. Sakura entertained herself by doodling notes to Kankuro on the paper and by imagining Naruto in Gaara's position. She wasn't sure if the idea of her blond teammate leading a meeting about running an entire village was comical or scary. A little of both, she decided.

— —

Sakura and Kankuro waiting behind for Gaara after the council was adjourned.

"Sakura, could I see your notes quickly?" he asked. Sakura looked over at Kankuro, and both of them looked down at the colorful margin scribbles her notes were covered in.

"Uh... what do you need them for?" Sakura asked cautiously.

"I want to see what you two kept giggling over," Gaara said with another of his creepy grins. "Nobody ever passes notes to me in meetings anymore." A tiny mote of sand snatched the paper away and took it to Gaara.

"Well, if you'd save me a seat next to you, maybe someone would," Kankuro said.

Gaara's eyes darted past the caricatures of the various councillors and the picture of Sand defeating Grass's army of flying monkeys. "No... I'm trying to be more dignified, anyway... I just miss being a brat once in a while." He handed the paper back. "Temari's at home working on that mission report that she was supposed to have done two weeks ago. Would you like to join us for lunch?"

"Should you be going home for lunch, Kazekage-sama?" Kankuro asked.

"I'm taking my paperwork home for the afternoon," Gaara sighed, pointing at a giant briefcase next to his chair. A swirl of sand picked it up and carried it behind him as he walked into the hall. "But if I spend another hour in this office I'm going to kill someone."

"Like your little posse of fangirls?" Kankuro asked. Gaara gave him a "don't remind me" look.

"Just Matsuri and her friends... Amaya can stay. She knows how to make coffee. And punch people. Also she's quiet."

_Yukari? Who the hell are they talking about?_

_Well, Gaara's the Kazekage and he's dark and brooding. He's bound to pick up a few fans around the village. Not unlike Sa- well, other boys I know of that don't have much else going for them._

_Well, good. At least I'm not breaking his heart, like poor Lee when I married Gai._

_I don't remember him being all that upset..._

Sakura groaned to herself. _I know, but I'm trying to repress that whole day. Leave me alone and let me come up with my own fantasy version._

_Fair enough._

— —

"So..." Kankuro scooped up a spoonful of chicken salad. "You invited us over here to help you clean out the leftovers?"

"Just as planned," Temari said absently from her seat at the table, where she was eating with one hand and writing up a lengthy mission report with the other. She took a slightly-stale potato chip from the bowl next to her and ate it without looking up. "We have trouble being bachelors without you around to cook for us, Kan-kun."

They were back in the mansion of a house that Sakura had spent lost in, back when she and Gaara had been married (it seemed like such a long time ago...). Yukari had informed her that Temari and Gaara lived there alone, and the guidebook didn't report that they had any problems with occupying such a large house on their own. This didn't surprise Sakura; the Sand Siblings were the type who needed their personal space in bulk.

"You two should move back in with us," Temari continued. "It's not like this place isn't big enough."

"It's meant to house the Kazekage's entire family plus a legion of servants and any visiting dignitaries," Gaara said, unaware that this had nothing to do with the conversation. He, too, was signing papers while he ate, although he was taking more care not to get any mustard on his papers than Temari was. "Of course, that was back when the Kazekage's family consisted of more than just a sister who's always off on missions."

"You could set her up with a sweet government job," Sakura offered, "like you did for Kankuro and Baki."

Temari shuddered dramatically. "Sakura, don't you even bring _that_ up again. I already had to talk him out of making me the Secretary of Economic Development or something equally dreary when he first got the job. If I wanted to be a bureaucrat, I'd have gone out for Kazekage when Dad died and at least have some power while I was at it. No thank you."

"See what I put up with now that you're gone, Nii-san?" Gaara asked Kankuro pitifully. "All I want is for her to be happy-,"

"And I am, Gaar-gaar. I'd be even happier if Kankuro and Sakura would move back in with us," she added, grinning at her brothers.

"Good Lord, Temari, if you two hate cooking that badly, why don't you hire a maid?"

"Because then I wouldn't be able to walk around in my bra," Temari said simply.

"No, Temari, they can't move back in," Gaara said. "Kankuro is an excellent cook, but it's not worth waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of Sakura-on-puppet action through the walls."

Sakura turned red. "Hey, whoa, now-,"

Temari laughed. "True enough, true enough. One of us'll just have to find somebody who can cook and marry them, right, Gaar-gaar?"

"I vote you," Gaara said automatically. "I've got too much paperwork."

"I'll get on that," Temari giggled, winking at Gaara, "No puppeteers, though... I'm not into any of that kinky stuff."

Gaara smiled, and Kankuro turned to Sakura, pouting. "You see what us poor middle siblings have to put up with?" he asked her in a long-suffering voice. "I never get any respect. Well, I'm not going to stick around and put up with this from two loser singles," he said, standing up. "I've got to get home and start dinner..."

Temari and Gaara looked at him, a little like puppies begging for a treat.

"Yeah, dinner..." Kankuro stretched slowly, watching the expressions on his siblings' faces. "Sakura and I picked up some fresh figs this morning... first of the season..."

Sakura could see Temari's mouth watering.

"I really should get that lamb marinading... maybe if you guys are lucky, there'll be leftovers... Come on, Sakura, we should go..."

Gaara cleared his throat. "Actually, Sakura, I need to go over some things with you about the new medical training program. Come up to my office."

"But-," Kankuro looked over at Sakura, who shrugged.

"That's a command from a village superior," Temari said, gloatingly. "You wouldn't want Tsunade-sama to get a bad report about Sakura's conduct here... she might revoke her orders and send her back to Konoha."

"You wouldn't-," Kankuro growled.

"No," Gaara said, "but that doesn't mean I don't need to see her. She'll be home for dinner, don't worry."

"I hate you sometimes, Gaara," Kankuro said.

"You two can have puppet sex later tonight like every other working couple," Gaara countered calmly. "Sakura _is_ technically here under my employ."

Kankuro narrowed his eyes a little. Gaara grinned back. "I love you, big brother," he said innocently.

"I love you, too, Gaara."

Sakura stood up and kissed Kankuro on the cheek, careful to avoid the face paint he had applied so carefully after breakfast. "Don't worry, I'll be home before you know it."

— —

Sakura didn't realize until she was sitting at Gaara's desk, discussing the best way to set up a school to train Suna ninjas in Konoha medical methods, that she hadn't had to go to work with a single other husband... unless you count training with Kakashi, and she was technically on maternity leave at the time. It hadn't struck her as odd until she found herself actually thinking.

"And we'll need some recruits from Konoha to help you-,"

"No, we can't spare the medics just for this," Sakura shook her head. "How about we send a few of yours over to train in Konoha, and then they can come back and help me."

Gaara nodded. "Very well, I'll send a letter to Tsunade and select some new graduates-,"

"Oh, I can do that," Sakura said. "Let's face it, I know more about the type who will be good at it than you, and I also can recommend teachers for them to Tsunade... she's a wreck, she'll mess it up if I don't."

"But you're already doing so much..." Gaara looked pointedly at Sakura's three-page To-Do list as she wrote down "select medic trainees". Sakura shrugged.

_Yeah, really, Sakura... you don't have to do this whole thing on your own..._ Yukari said.

_That's the beauty of it, Yukari!_ Sakura replied happily. _This isn't my real life! I'm not going to be here tomorrow! I'm not going to be here past 8:30 tonight! I can agree to do anything they want, but I won't have to do any of it, not really! It's very freeing._

_You do sound happy about it._

_Yeah... I've been thinking, these past couple of husbands have made me very tense... I need to relax a little. And I know just the way to._

The sun was just starting to set when Gaara decided that they had done more than enough for one day.

"Temari?" he called into the kitchen as he was seeing Sakura to the door.

"WHAT?!" Temari shrieked. She had been working non-stop on her mission report all afternoon, and was getting testy.

"I'm giving you an urgent assignment."

"Really?" Temari's head poked around the kitchen door, smiling. "Does that mean that I get to drop this god-forsaken mission report?"

"For the time being. I need you to see Sakura home for the evening; otherwise she'll probably wander off and die of thirst in the middle of nowhere."

Sakura didn't say anything to this, because it was clear that Gaara was familiar with her sense of direction. But she was also not happy with this, and she told Yukari as much.

_I don't want to walk home with Temari_.

_Why not?_

_Remember how hostile she was when I was married to Gaara? She barely said two words to me all day. And Temari's real strong... she might kill me and leave me in a back alley._

_Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine. She didn't like it when you were married to Gaara because she felt that you were manipulating her fragile little brother to get a soft life as the Kazekage's wife. In this reality, she knows that you work... also, I don't think she's that protective of Kankuro._

_Oh..._ Sakura cooed, _Poor little middle sibling..._

"Sakura," Temari said as they walked through the darkening streets. "I've got to say, I'm so glad you and Kankuro are together."

"Really?"

"Yeah..." Temari smiled almost... shyly? Temari was smiling _shyly_? "You two actually... well... you remind me of my parents."

Sakura knew next to nothing about Temari's parents, except that they were dead. "Really?"

"Yeah... I mean, I don't remember Mom very well, but I think they would have acted like you two... you know, if Dad hadn't been crazy and if Mom had remembered to take her medication more regularly."

Sakura stopped in her tracks and blinked at this statement, but Temari was already turning onto the next street.

Kankuro sent Temari home with a Tupperware container full of dinner for her and Gaara, and he and Sakura sat down to a truly mouth-watering meal.

_I never thought of Kankuro as the type to cook,_ Sakura thought as they finished dinner, _but I suppose it makes sense... the three of them didn't eat fast food their entire childhood._

_Did that taste as delicious as it looked?_ Yukari asked. Sakura could almost hear her stomach growl.

_As a matter of fact, it did._

_Heck, I'll date this guy, puppet and all!_ Yukari said.

_Yeah, it's practically worth it. In fact..._

"Hey, Kankuro," Sakura leaned across the corner of the table to whisper in his ear. "Are you sure it wouldn't take you long to take all the weapons out of Crow?"

Kankuro's mouth dropped open. "N-not long at all..."

Sakura smiled and brushed on hand through his hair. "Well, how about the three of us celebrate our anniversary a little early?"

_What? No! No, Sakura, look, you're a nice girl, but I refuse to sit here and watch while- Look, you have to remember that there are other people sharing this experience, and I am NOT ready for this kind of-,_

Kankuro leaned in to kiss her, but she held a finger to his lips to stop him. "One condition."

"Oh no."

"Can I have a massage, first?"

_Sakura, I am not okay with-_

_Yukari, relax. The day will be up long before we get around to anything I don't want to do, and I would do a lot more than this for a massage from someone as good with their hands as a typical puppeteer. And, Yukari, I NEED a good massage._

_...They're really good with their hands, huh?_

_Masters, Yukari. Masters._

_Well, that changes everything..._

"So," Kankuro brushed her hand aside and kissed her. "Can we take this upstairs?"

Sakura looked at the clock on the wall. Just about eight o'clock... "Sure. Let's."

— —

"Mmm. Mmmmm! Oh, how did I ever get by without you, Kankuro?" Sakura was very pleased with how well her plan was going.

"Wow, Sakura, why are you so _tense_? Did Temari threaten you again?" Kankuro seemed very pleased with how his evening was going.

"Hmm, no, I'm just- Oh! Oh, don't stop! Aaaah..."

Only Yukari was not pleased. _Sakura, I feel like some creepy kind of voyeur, watching you get a massage from inside your mind..._

_Oh, deal with- OH MY GOD! _"Mmm, Kan-ku-ro, you are a MIRACLE WORKER! Oooh..." _Yukari, he's doin' this thing with my shoulder blades-,_

_I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!_

_Your loss. Calm down, it'll be_ _over in-_

The massage stopped suddenly.

_Right now. FINALLY._ Yukari sighed.

_Ah, man, and I was just starting to really relax..._

— —

A/N: I know Gaara is OOC, before you say anything. I have a wide range of excuses; he's older and his personality is bound to have changed over the years, the chapter isn't about him anyway, and he's so difficult to make in character in any case that it wasn't worth the effort.


	15. Mrs Sakura Nara

The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura Nara

A/N: Well, after a landslide victory in the polls, the rating has officially been upped to M... which merely means that there will be more puppet sex jokes mixed in with the fluff. This chapter, for example, is mostly fluff. I don't anticipate any actual lemons in the story, because I am a pathetic virgin, and therefore unqualified to write such things.

I've also seen quite a bit of confusion, so; Yukari is not my OC. She is a character from the series Azumanga Daioh.

Warning: Immortals Arch Spoilers.

* * *

_Hey, why did the good stop?_ Sakura thought. _Yukari, I needed that massage sooo badly..._

_Well, I'm glad it did you good,_ Yukari thought back sardonically, _Because I won't recover from that any time soon._

Sakura opened her eyes to narrow them angrily. She also took time to notice that she was facing a typical bedroom that told her absolutely nothing about her husband. _Consider it my revenge for your comments about Sasori's little wooden friend. Now, to get a look at the next guy._ She tried to turn herself over, but found this a more difficult task than expected. She felt a lot bulkier today than usual. _Uhg, I feel like I've gained twenty pounds._

_Something like that._

The mocking tone of Yukari's voice made her uneasy. She opened her eyes and brought a hand into their vision. Skinny as always. _Hmm... I guess I'm not married to some rich, doting man who lets me do nothing but eat bonbons. Too bad. _Something slammed the inside of her stomach rather forcefully. _And what did I eat last night?_

_Sometimes, Sakura, you're delightfully thick._

The man next to her, whom Sakura had been ignoring to investigate her inability to move, placed a hand against her stomach... her unusually-round stomach.

"Is he kicking again?"

_Oh, no. Yukari, no. Just no._

_Don't yell at me, I'm not the one whose future self got you pregnant. I just gave you the potion._

Sakura sighed. _I didn't want to be ready-to-burst pregnant during my day with Sasuke!_

_Sasuke, huh?_

_Yes, Sasuke. I mean, clearly I'm not the kind of girl who gets pregnant before she's been married a year, but... well, Sasuke's got a clan to revive, when I marry him, I'll have to help him out with that._

_Yeah... clearly..._ Yukari scoffed, tastefully not mentioning Shino or Kakashi.

"Yeah, kicking up a storm." The baby, not wanting to make a liar out of its mommy, kicked harder than ever.

"Heh," her husband laughed gently, "that's my little boy."

"Yes, dear, I know," Sakura said. _So, how many months along am I?_

_I know it feels like months, but we've actually only been at this for a few weeks._

_I meant how pregnant am I?_

_Eh, I'd say seven, maybe an early eight months. Why don't you turn your gianormous self around and give 'Sasuke' a little lovin'?_

_So it is Sasuke?_ Sakura squealed, rocking herself over, right on top of Shikamaru. "Eek!"

_Did I say that? I'm sorry, didn't mean to get your little hopes up._

"Heh," Shikamaru pinned her against his chest, at an odd angle because of her swollen stomach. "Trying to smush me?"

"Are you calling me fat?" Sakura asked, "Because I-,"

He quickly covered her mouth with his. "Don't yell at me this early in the morning," he groaned when they broke. "I'm still waking up."

"You never wake up," Sakura countered. "Get up, I want french toast."

"Good for you," Shikamaru muttered, closing his eyes.

"Fine, I'll get it myself," Sakura sighed, kissing Shikamaru quickly and rolling out of bed.

_So... you want to do a flashback?_ Yukari asked.

_No, I want french toast._

_But..._

_What would I want with a flashback? Shikamaru and I are friends, sort-of. I mean, we went to school together, we were near the top of the class together. Sure, the Shikamaru I know is a whiny, lazy, good-for-nothing little bitch, but I'm willing to accept that boys mature more slowly than girls, and that someday he may be a very admirable husband. He's not like Neji-the-Hinata-Abuser,_

_Who bought you a house._

_Or Shino-the-bug-freak,_

_The loving father of an adorable child._

_Or Kankuro-the-pu-_

_Who cooks._

_Exactly my point. All of those were long-shots, and they were pretty decent. I'm sure that in this reality Shikamaru is a mature and committed mate, and that this baby thing is either the result of careful planning and discussion... or a faulty condom, and that we will make fine parents._

_Well, I'm sure Shikamaru will, anyway._

_I was a perfectly good mother to the last kid! Even you said so!_ Sakura snapped as she pulled eggs out of the fridge. _And you haven't even noticed how fast I found my way to the kitchen._

_I'd pity anyone who could get lost in this house. It's not exactly large. And I said you were better than I _thought_ you would be with the baby, not that you were an excellent mother._

_You're such a supportive spiritual guide,_ Sakura thought irately. She cooked up her toast with record speed, then took a whiff of it maliciously. _Hmm, doesn't that smell good, Yukari?_

She was rewarded by the sound of Yukari's stomach growling.

"Mm, that smells good. Any chance there's some waiting for me?"

Sakura swivelled her head around. There was Shikamaru, in his boxers.

"No. Make your own breakfast."

Shikamaru leaned over her shoulder, very deliberately watching her as she cut her toast. "You expect me to believe that someone as skinny as you can eat all of that?"

"I expect you to believe that I'm not making you breakfast," Sakura replied.

_Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed..._

_You got to take a firm hand with Shikamaru... Trust me, we used to get paired to do school projects together... Iruka thought I'd be a good influence on him._

_Were you?_

_I hit him with a book once when he refused to do his half of the work... Isn't this in the guide book?_

_No... that must not have been a deciding factor in your relationship. I mean, it's not like this thing tells me your entire life story or anything. It's thick enough as is._

_Ah, well_... As Sakura was chewing thoughtfully on a piece of French toast and talking to Yukari, Shikamaru speared a corner of her toast with the butter knife.

"HEY!" Sakura tried to spear the bread on her fork, but too late; Shikamaru had already popped the morsel into his mouth.

"Checkmate," he grinned, the same smug grin that, years earlier, had made Sakura smack him with a textbook.

"Yeah, go on, feel real good about stealing food from the mouth of your own child. Hope you're proud of yourself."

"What are you going on about?"

Sakura scooted her chair out and stroked her stomach. "I'm eating for two. You're just stuffing your face."

"Geez, you're always big on the melodrama."

_Shut up, Yukari!_

_...I didn't say anything._

"But I love you for it," Shikamaru added. He leaned over and pressed his nose against Sakura's stomach. "I'm sorry, Junior," he told it. "Didn't know you were going to eat that. I'll make it up to you."

"Are you going to make it up to _me_?" Sakura asked. Shikamaru looked up at her face blankly.

"You?"

Sakura opened her mouth to glare out loud, but Shikamaru cut her off with a chuckle.

"How about I help you deep-fry your special rice balls for the party? Is that worth a piece of toast?"

"When's the party?"

"Uh... Chouji said to show up around one."

Sakura glanced at the clock above the kitchen table, and also at the deer-themed calendar on the wall. She learned three things: it was ten o'clock, the picture of the month was antelope, and the eleventh was circled with a thick red circle and covered with thick letters proclaiming it "Chouji's Birthday."

"Well, I guess I need all the help I can get," Sakura sighed. Her eyes narrowed as they swept over Shikamaru's face. "Fine. I suppose I'll forgive the toast." Another deep breath, and Sakura picked up her final piece of toast with her hand and shoved it whole into her mouth. "All right, get some water boiling in the biggest pot we've got. Come on, snap to it."

"And you'll make me some toast while I do that?" Shikamaru said hopefully. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"I've got to make enough rice balls for your friend's birthday in three hours. You don't have time for French toast."

"I told you to make them last night so you wouldn't have to rush," Shikamaru said in his favorite I-told-you-so voice, but he began filling a huge pot with water anyway.

"I'm pregnant!"

"You win every argument that way," Shikamaru muttered.

"When you've tried it, then you can argue," Sakura said smugly, dashing back to the bedroom to change out of her pajamas.

_Yukari, get ready for the biggest rice-ball-making challenge of my sweet young life._

_There are going to be all of four people there, Sakura. You, Mr. Sakura, there, Birthday Boy Chouji, and his wife. How many rice balls do you possibly need?_

_You do not know Chouji. Does this mumu make my stomach look big?_

Sakura smoothed the garish pink floral-print dress against her body and looked at herself critically in the mirror. _Is there some kind of legislation about maternity clothes being hideous?_ But there was no time to dwell on the wardrobe this reality had provided for her. Rice balls were serious business, and she and Shikamaru had an intense cooking session ahead of them.

* * *

"So, Sakura," Shikamaru asked while he forced a handful of rice to stick together into something triangle-shaped and she watched a pot of boiling oil and similarly-mutilated rice conglomerates. "Where did you get the idea to deep-fry rice balls?"

"You're not going to like it," Sakura said coyly, deftly flipping one of the fried balls of delicious out of the oil and onto a paper towel with its fellows.

"But you're going to tell me anyway, right?"

"Well, yeah. _Any_body can make rice balls, and I needed mine to stand out to get Sasuke's attention,"

Shikamaru winced, and Sakura pretended to be too absorbed in her frying rice balls to notice. She had told him he wouldn't like it.

"So I had to find something I could do to make them tastier. And I thought, 'what makes _everything_ taste better? Why, grease, of course!' And that's when I had the idea to deep fry them. And it's served me well. These rice balls are Konoha's most powerful weapon."

"Now you're just being cocky."

"Takes one to know one, darling. And you'd be surprised what these can do!"

Shikamaru made a point of raising an eyebrow at her as he dumped a few more uncooked rice balls into the pot. "What, clog your arteries?"

"These rice balls have saved my life, I'll have you know," Sakura said. "There I was, holed up with my most deadly enemy, my reinforcements out for a Swiss Cake Roll, time running out, but I never lose my cool. No, I pull out a plate of rice balls, and use them to negotiate until help can arrive! I would have been a goner! True facts!"

Shikamaru got very quiet after this, and the only sound in the kitchen was the fizzing of the oil and the soft mush of rice being fused together. Sakura coughed.

"So, you don't believe me?"

Shikamaru jumped a little, dropping his half-formed rice ball on the table, where it crumbled back into grains. "Hmm? Sorry, what are you talking about?"

"My rice ball story. You don't believe me."

"Oh, are we still talking about that?"

"Yes?"

"Sorry, I was thinking."

Sakura fished the last of the current batch out of the oil. "Well, then come do my job for a bit. I'm dying to sit down."

Shikamaru groaned. "Man, I _just _sat down. You've already had about six million breaks to pee!"

Sakura brought her tongs down on the table in front of her husband. "UP! My feet are going to flatten out if I stand any longer. This is your friend's birthday, you fry the rice."

With a sigh so loud it could only be fake, Shikamaru struggled to his feet. "Fine, fine. Now, I have a question about your rice ball story."

Sakura smiled. "Shoot."

"On the kitchen table, you will find a map laid out in rice grains. The seaweed pieces represent enemies; the larger ones are stronger. You are that rice hull in the middle. You are armed with one batch's worth of rice balls."

Sakura studied the map carefully. "Fried?"

"No. Just your rations. You were on a mission to infiltrate this base, but your position was compromised at the location on the map. How do you escape?"

Sakura's hands traced the rice map, being careful not to dislodge any of the grains. "Let's see... Are you watching the balls?"

"Yes, dear."

"OK. I break up one of the rice balls and use it to jam the westmost and southmost doors. I pick the eastmost lock and escape through it, bearing left. I open the third door I come to."

Shikamaru nodded. "That's the kitchen."

"That's what I thought. This is laid out like a typical training-exercise, I know where the kitchen is."

"Well, I didn't have much time to set up something creative before you started bitching about your feet."

"Yeah, yeah. So, I'm in the kitchen. There are three guards within twenty feet, so it is possible, using a standard frying pan and standard cooking oil, to fry the rice balls to a light golden-brown without the fizzing being overheard. I blot them out and place them in my weapons pouch. The remaining rice ball I leave in the oil until it just begins to burn, opening the door and wafting the air into the hall. The delicious smell attracts the guards; they come to investigate, whereon I throw the boiling oil in their faces and disarm them, using one of their own weapons to kill them. I then proceed down the hallway once more, towards the north exit. By crumbling the burnt rice ball ahead of me and wafting the smell forward, luring the guards back, I am able to take out the two by the stairs."

"And then you go out the back door?" Shikamaru asked. "Suppose I tell you that the guards there are suffering from hay fever and can't smell?"

"That's when I take out the ones in my pouch, smartass. A simple transformation jutsu will change me into one of the incapacitated guards, and I can offer the spare rice balls, which I will of course have laced with the appropriate poison."

"They took your medical kit away when they captured you, obviously."

"They took my _obvious_ medical kit away from me. My rations kit contains antidotes to common food poisons, which can, with a little manipulation and the type of skill that I possess, be turned into makeshift poisons. The guards, unable to resist deep-fried rice, one of those comfort foods that can be tasted through hay fever, eat the rice balls and die, leaving me free to escape."

"Not the best option; the exit on the east side would be your fastest escape route."

"It has more guards, and it's further from the kitchen. The fried aspect of my plan is crucial."

She looked up at him triumphantly, and he smiled back fondly. "Top score, then."

"I told you, with rice balls, I can do anything."

He shook his head a little, still watching her as if mesmerized. "I love you, Sakura."

_Oh, baby, baby, talk strategic operation simulation to me!_ Yukari remarked sarcastically. _It gets me all hot._

_I told you we were a good-enough match_, Sakura said. _We're both smarter than anybody else I know. None of my other friends do stuff like this for fun._

Yukari didn't reply, but she did make a huffing noise that suggested maybe her other friends had a better general idea what 'fun' was supposed to entail.

"Shikamaru?" Sakura asked, choosing to ignore her spiritual guide, as usual.

"Yes?"

"Do you smell burning?"

"Uh..." Shikamaru sniffed the air and promptly coughed. "Yeah, it's really..."

"Coming from the pot I asked you to watch?" Sakura suggested, nodding at the black smoke billowing from the pot of frying rice balls. Shikamaru jumped around.

"Oh... SHIT!"

* * *

"Sorry, Chouji," Sakura held up the Tupperware container of her signature rice balls. "It's not a full batch... SOMEBODY was too distractable to pay attention to a pot of boiling oil for five minutes."

"Oh, pipe down," Shikamaru rolled his eyes next to her. They were standing at the gate to the Akamichi's backyard, and Sakura could smell a barbeque going beyond the fence. The nice thing about Chouji's birthday was that there was always food. Delicious food.

Shikamaru hugged Chouji. "Happy birthday, buddy."

Chouji wrapped his arms around his friend and lifted him about a foot off the ground. Not unexpectedly, Chouji had grown into the tallest and largest of the Konoha kids, and towered over her and Shikamaru. Shikamaru, indeed, looked particularly twig-like next to his friend, maybe because Sakura was so used them being closer in height. "Thanks, pal! And Sakura!" Chouji set Shikamaru down and thumped Sakura on the back, which jolted her forward a few steps. "Thanks for the rice balls! They're exactly what I wanted!"

_Oh, I hope his mother is doing the cooking,_ Sakura thought, _she makes the BEST hamburgers, I swear._

_Oh, really? _Yukari coughed. _Well, that's nice._

"I'm so glad you guys came out!" Chouji continued enthusiastically.

"Would we miss your birthday?" Shikamaru asked, patting Chouji's middle back. (He couldn't reach his shoulder). "Come on, let us in, I'm dying for a beer."

Chouji moved aside and followed them into the garden, where, sure enough, a table had been set up and overfilled with food. Nearby was a cooler and a smoldering barbeque.

"If you find any place on the table, go ahead and stick the rice balls there," Chouji told her, but Sakura wasn't listening. She absently handed the tupperware to Chouji and made an ungainly dash towards the table.

_What's with you?_

_I smell potato salad,_ Sakura explained.

"Sakura? You all right?" Chouji asked as Sakura began casting around for a plate.

"Yeah," Shikamaru laughed, "Junior just has a serious addiction to potato salad. She eats about his weight in the stuff every week."

_Hmm,_ Yukari thought to her, _Last time you wanted cheetos and strawberries._

_What of it?_

_Just, the salad is much less weird. I'm just sayin'._

"So, where's Ino?" Shikamaru asked. Sakura dropped the tongs in the salad.

"She's just getting the burgers," Chouji said, "We were going to have them cooked before you got here, but what with... er..." Chouji turned a little red, "We got sidetracked."

Shikamaru gave Sakura knowing wink and nudged Chouji. "Ah... Well, it's your birthday, bud."

The baby's urgent need for potato salad overcame Sakura's brief shock at hearing Ino's name, and she went back to shoveling salad onto her plate.

"I heard my name!" The backdoor of the house swung open, and Ino burst out with a "kiss the cook" apron and a plate of raw hamburgers. "SHIKAMARU! SAKURA! I didn't hear you come in!"

She spun past Shikamaru, kissed Chouji on the cheek, set the plate down on a chair, and wrapped her arms around Sakura. "Hey there, Sakura. Say, I know that you're eating for two, but the second person is about the size of a puppy, not my father-in-law. You wanna leave a little potato salad for the rest of us?"

_Father-in-law?_

_Chouji's father. I figure you know him, 'cause I don't._

_Aw... Ino and Chouji? Can I do everything in my power to make this reality happen?_

_No complaining that Ino is supposed to be into women, and by women I mean you?_

_Yukari, I'm sure you have some smug explanation to prove that you're more secure with sexuality than I am, but I'm so over questioning this potion._

"Ino," Sakura rolled her eyes and took some more salad. "Talk to me when _you're_ the knocked-up one."

Ino grinned. "Hey, Sakura, guess what I'm going to do?"

"What?"

"Have a beer."

"Great, now I'm going to have to carry you and Chouji _and_ Shikamaru's drunken asses to bed because none of you are responsible enough to stop when you're ahead."

Ino giggled. "Laugh when you've got an adorable baby to brag about, then, but the InoShikaChou birthday parties are long-standing traditions, and trying to feel solidarity with my pregnant best friend is not enough to prevent me from having a couple. And, seriously, darling, ease up on the potato salad so you've got some room for the burgers. I went through all the trouble to make sure that we'd have enough for everybody. Yo, Chouji!" Ino nuzzled Sakura's cheek and pulled away, untying her apron. She bundled up the cloth and tossed it to Chouji. "Your turn to cook!"

Chouji put the apron on, although it couldn't be said that he and Ino had enough in common structurally for it to really fit him. "Right, coming! Shika, you want yours well-done?"

"You know how I like 'em," Shikamaru said, grabbing a beer bottle off of the table. He twisted off the cap and took a gulp, only to choke and spray beer across the lawn. "Damn hot Guinness!" he gasped. "Chouji, didn't anyone ever teach you the necessity of ice?"

"Yeah, genius," Ino said, kicking the cooler next to her feet. "Didn't anyone ever teach you to look at your surroundings? Geez, you show a man a beer, and his brain just shuts down, right, Sakura?"

"Yeah, well, you show a pregnant woman a bowl of potato salad, and look what happens," Shikamaru muttered, bending to get another, cooler beer, and leaving his neck foolishly exposed. Sakura kicked the cooler lid down on him.

"OW! Hey!"

"Leave me out of this!"

Chouji, by the grill, coughed uncomfortably. "Hey, guys? Can't we just talk about... sex or something?"

* * *

Later, after the burgers were ready, the radio was playing quietly in the background, and all four of them had settled down to a good time, Sakura found something was grating on her nerves.

"Only two more weeks, right, Sakura?" Ino asked, and it took her awhile to realize what she was talking about.

"Well, the due date's June 2nd, but those are never right," Shikamaru said, wrapping an arm around Sakura's shoulders.

"Someone's been counting since day one," Chouji laughed.

"Someone's been counting since before day zero," Sakura said, elbowing her husband. "Don't think he didn't know what he was doing."

"You caught me," Shikamaru said. "My biological clock's been going since I was about sixteen, you know," He leaned over to kiss her stomach. "That's my little boy."

There it was. "You don't know it's going to be a boy, you know," Sakura said.

"Of course he will be," Shikamaru laughed.

"And if it's not?"

"Don't talk like that, Sakura, not when I already have the names picked out."

"So, having a daughter would be the end of the world, would it?"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "What's gotten into you all of a sudden? Are you having one of your crazy pregnancy mood swings?"

Sakura shrugged his arm off coldly and turned to Ino. "Ino, dear, I have a bit of a headache... must be the heat. Do you mind if I have a little lie-down?"

"Of course not," Ino said, smiling graciously, "You know where our room is. Come on out when you feel better, we still haven't gotten the cake out yet." She leaned in closer to Sakura and whispered, "And don't worry, I can handle these two. I've been doing it for years."

_Wonder what she meant by that?_ Yukari asked curiously as Sakura made her way through the Akamichi residence.

_With Ino, who knows? Anyway, I just want a flashback._ She found the bedroom and sat down experimentally on the bed. _You know, I was hoping that Shikamaru had gotten over his tendency to be a chauvinistic prick in this reality, but it just goes to show you... Hmm... lying down is going to be problematic with Baby here..._

_You just have to lie on your side; you'll get the hang of it. See, that's not so bad, now, is it? Ready for your flashback?_

_Yes, I suppose. Send it in._

Sakura and Yukari found themselves in a clean little apartment, filled with flowers and baby-related objects. (Sakura stretched a little, did a few jumping-jacks, and otherwise enjoyed the sensation of not having a fetus attached at her stomach.) At the table sat a blue-haired young woman holding a baby, and standing next to the kitchen counter, talking on the phone, was a curly-haired woman.

"No, Shikamaru," she was saying, rubbing her forehead tiredly, "I have a babysitter for tonight... Yes, I know I didn't ask you... No, I'm not going to tell you who the babysitter is... YES, they are perfectly responsible. Shikamaru, you are not the only person in Konoha who knows how to care for a baby! Look, I have to go, I've got to take care of my child. Yes, goodbye, Shikamaru."

Kurenai sighed heavily as she hung up the phone. "I swear, Hinata, the hardest part of motherhood is fending that boy off," she said to the young woman holding the baby.

"H-he means well, I suppose," Hinata said.

"Oh, I know he does! But he's absolutely obsessive! I don't want Hidan to remember his father as the teacher of a crazy stalker! What kind of message does that leave?" Kurenai ran her fingers through her hair distractedly before claiming the baby from Hinata. "Who's a good little boy? Yes, you are! Yes, you are..."

"Hmm," Yukari remarked to Sakura. "Hidan seems like an... _odd_ name, under the circumstances, don't you think?"

Sakura blinked. "What circumstances?"

Yukari turned red. "Uh, nothing, I... just... uh... think Hidan is a weird name."

"Oh, it's a family name," Sakura said, "A lot of men in Kurenai's family are named that. I'm pretty sure it's her grandfather's name or something."

Kurenai kissed baby Hidan on the forehead before handing him back to Hinata. "I have to run, love, but I'll be back tomorrow."

"Don't rush your mission, though, Sensei," Hinata said, "We'll be fine here. We'll have a grand old time, won't we, Hidan?"

Baby Hidan giggled, and Kurenai managed to look a little less tense. "All right. I'll be back soon, though."

Kurenai left, and Hidan, seeing that Mommy wasn't directly in front of him, decided that she was never coming back, and started crying.

"See what you're in for, Sakura?" Yukari asked snidely. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"I'm not having children YET. I haven't even gotten to my day with Sasuke!"

Hinata just barely quieted Hidan when the door swung open gently.

"Hinata?" Kiba poked his head through the door. "We're here."

"Come on in!"

* * *

The room dissolved as Kiba and Shino entered the room, and reappeared with the three of them sitting on the floor, the baby in Shino's lap playing with a stuffed cow.

"So, Shikamaru," Kiba says, "Am I allowed to beat the tar out of him now?"

"No, Kiba-kun," Hinata said, "He's trying to help. He's just... just..."

"Obnoxious?" Shino suggested.

"Y-yeah. And a little unhinged."

"He's harassing Kurenai and li'l Hidan!" Kiba snapped.

"Y-yeah, but beating him up won't help anything."

"He needs to get a life of his own," Shino muttered. "If only we knew where to find one for him."

Hinata raised her hand while staring at the ground. Shino nodded at her.

"Hinata, we're sitting in a circle in Kurenai's living room, you don't need to raise your hand to speak."

"I-I-I... have an... idea. I... er... I know someone who could take Shikamaru's mind off of Kurenai..."

* * *

The room once again changed to what appeared to be Hinata's bedroom. She was sitting on the bed, talking on the phone. "S-So... S-S-Sakura... I wondered i-if maybe you wanted to c-c-come hang out wi-wi-with me and Kurenai tomorrow..."

* * *

Yet again, the scene changed, now into a nice outdoor café, where Hinata and Kurenai were waiting, with Hidan in a highchair gnawing on a sippy cup.

"You're sure this will work?" Kurenai asked Hinata. Hinata patted her hand.

"O-of course. They'll be perfect."

"Thank you for doing this for me, Hinata. He's driving me insane."

"I-I know. Th-that's why... I wanted to help, Sensei. Y-you and Hidan-chan have enough pr-problems without a stalker..."

"Say, what are you guys doing here?" Shikamaru appeared, almost out of nowhere, and tapped Hinata on the shoulder. She went rigid with shock.

"Having a bit of a girls' day out," Kurenai said smoothly. "Celebrate my getting back from my mission."

"You should have told me," Shikamaru said, pulling up a chair. "I'd have watched Hidan for you. He shouldn't be out in the sun like this, anyway."

Sakura made an entry very similar to Shikamaru's, appearing out of nowhere and tapping the boy on the shoulder. "Actually," she said when Shikamaru froze the way Hinata had, "growing children need sun; it's a source of Vitamin D for them. Their bones form oddly, otherwise. Hey, Hinata, I thought you said this was a girls-only lunch."

"Well, Shikamaru decided that he meets the criteria," Kurenai said with a smile, but Sakura didn't hear. She was waving at little Hidan, who waved his sippy cup back.

"Hello, there, little guy!" she said in a bright, high voice. "Are you out with your Mommy? You are, aren't you? Yes you are! Daw, wittle baby! A googa-googa-goo! A googa-googa-goo!"

Only Yukari and Real Sakura noticed Hinata look at Kurenai and mouth, "I may have made a mistake."

Shikamaru smiled at Sakura and the baby. "Isn't he cute?"

"Yes, he's adorable! Oh, I love babies!"

Yukari raised an eyebrow at Real Sakura.

"What? I do!" she shrugged.

"Sakura," Kurenai said, "Hinata and I were going to go shopping, but Hidan gets all fussy when we take him in shops... do you want to take him to the park?"

"I'd love to!" Sakura said, picking Hidan up. "I'm very responsible, just so you don't worry; I've had all the training courses, and I work on the maternity ward sometimes on shift."

Kurenai and Hinata grinned widely. "I'm sure you'll be wonderful. We'll meet you here in about two hours?"

"Sure!"

"Shikamaru-kun, are you coming?" Hinata whispered. Shikamaru shook his head vaguely.

"Nah, shopping's too much of a bother. I'll just... hang out..."

* * *

_And that's how you met your husband,_ Yukari said as the flashback faded.

_So... we got married because Kurenai was trying to shake a stalker?_

_And Hinata thought you two made a good match. Babies and strategy theory, what more could you want in a girl?_

Sakura groaned as she opened her eyes and realized that she was back in her pregnant body and floral mumu. _Ugh. Well, sorry to disappoint Ms Hyuuga, but I'm not marrying this guy. Shikamaru's only worth it if he's going to grow up._

Swaying to get used to her new balance, Sakura made her way back to the yard, where InoShikaChou were still hanging out.

"Look who's up!" Chouji shouted when he saw her, waving her over.

"Oh, good!" said Ino, sitting uncomfortably close to Chouji. "Because Shikamaru has something very important to tell you!"

"Really?" Sakura walked over and rested her hand on Chouji's shoulder, raising an eyebrow at Shikamaru, across from them.

"I... I love you very much..." Shikamaru said contritely

"And?" Ino prompted.

"And I respect you and think you are an amazing woman."

"And?"

"And I would be honored to be the father of your daughter."

"Good boy," Ino said. She turned her head up to smile at Sakura. "You've got to be firm with him, or he'll go off into one of his weird dreamworlds wherein men are somehow superior."

Sakura sighed and waddled over to Shikamaru. "Thanks, Ino. I'll take it from here."

Shikamaru clung to her knees before she could sit down. "They're so mean to me when you aren't looking, Sakura."

Sakura patted his head.

"Well, Shika, you totally deserved it," Chouji said, "I'd love to have a kid, who cares what gender it is as long as you get a good one?"

He accompanied this by wrapping a piece of Ino's hair around his finger. Ino smiled flirtatiously and kissed his cheek.

"Not for a few more years, sweet."

"Are you sure, precious?" Chouji asked, pulling her closer. Ino hopped onto his lap.

"Absolutely positive, Choujikins," she whispered.

"Pretty please, sugar pumpkin?"

"No sombrero, no fiesta, babydoll."

Shikamaru and Sakura looked at each other.

"Can we leave?" Shikamaru whispered.

"I think we'd better," Sakura nodded, glancing suspiciously at Ino and Chouji as Ino pushed Chouji into the grass.

"So... uh...happy birthday, Chouji... we'll... uh... see you around..." Shikamaru said cautiously as he and Sakura backed toward the gate.

"Yeah, bye, guys," Ino raised her head for a moment, but only a moment.

* * *

Sakura and Shikamaru walked back to the Nara property, hand in hand. Or, rather, Shikamaru walked slowly and Sakura waddled. Waddling was the only form of transportation when you had a bowling ball-sized growth on you.

The sun was setting when they arrived back at their home, and both of them agreed that it was just too beautiful an evening to spend inside.

"I'll get the go set, you stay out here," Shikamaru said when they got to the back porch, the one overlooking the forest. The Nara house itself was small, but the property it sat on was huge and covered with beautiful forest, and the porch rested right up against the woods. Sakura sat there, waiting for Shikamaru, absently stroking her stomach and watching the sun go down over the tree tops.

She wasn't sure how long the deer was there before she noticed it. It could have been standing there the entire time, for all she knew. It was a huge thing, with incredibly long, twisted antlers, and its face was almost... somehow... human...

_Maybe the hormones are affecting me,_ she sighed. The deer stalked up to her slowly, but not cautiously, and bent its head down to nuzzle against her stomach. Very slowly, Sakura raised her hand to rest against the deer's neck. It didn't bolt, but it looked up into her eyes.

_You're such a nature goddess, Sakura!_ Yukari crowed. _Preggers Sakura: Deer Whisperer!_

_Shut up, Yukari. You're ruining the moment._

"Hello, there," Shikamaru said quietly from behind her. The deer raised its head higher, appeared to see him, and then lowered his head once more to nuzzle Sakura.

"They all really love you, Sakura," Shikamaru continued, padding over to her and sitting down beside her. He reached out to pat the deer. "Must be something about you."

Sakura blushed.

"And the whole forest is excited about this baby," Shikamaru said.

"He's going to be the lord of the forest, huh?" Sakura asked. Shikamaru kissed her cheek.

"Well, someday, Sakura, yeah. Or...the lady of the forest, in any case."

Sakura smiled. "You're getting better at this game, at least."

The deer rested its muzzle against the top of her head, then withdrew a few steps. Before turning around, he lowered his head as if bowing to the couple.

The baby kicked again, gently, but Shikamaru felt it.

"You know I love you, right, Sakura?"

"Of course."

"And you know that I love our child, right?"

"I know," Sakura sighed, wrapping an arm around his waist. "We're going to be a very happy family, aren't we? Just you, me, Junior, and the deer."

"And Ino and Chouji."

"And Ino and Chouji."

"And Naruto and Sasuke and Hinata and Tenten and Kiba and Shino and Rock Lee and-,"

"Shh," Sakura cut him off, "Let's just pretend that we could be solitary, if we wanted it."

Shikamaru sighed. "Yeah. Yes, you, me, Junior, and the deer. That sounds about perfect."

The sun was almost down, now, and Sakura couldn't see anything around her. It wasn't until the baby stopped kicking that she realized that her day with Shikamaru was over.

_Let's see who's next, Mama Sakura._

_Wow, Yukari, I feel like we've been doing this for about two and a half years._

_Nope, more like two weeks. But that's ok, I've heard pregnancy makes some women a bit loopy, no wonder you're disorganized._

_Hey, shut up!_

* * *

A/N: The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura! We update almost as often as YuGiOh the Abridged Series!


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